Tuesday, December 11, 2012

If ya ain't first, yer last.




Hi folks!

Here's hoping that you're well and you're enjoying the holiday season so far.

Ok, on with it!

Today, I observed a light-blue colored Nissan Altima that had parked in the Northampton Wellness parking lot, diagonally. Taking up two full parking spaces. Of course, the vehicle also boasted Connecticut license plates. This kind of thing has always amused me because it is so telling about the driver. It tells things like,

"I'm so bold and hard-charging that I'll brazenly take up two parking spaces so that other drivers --obviously inferior to me-- won't have a chance to even hit my amazing car." As if your light-blue colored Altima is really that much at risk???.

This car was a Nissan Altima folks. A car that thousands of people drive. Not even a Maxima! Just a plain ole Altima that nobody would give a fuck about! Not a Bentley...not a Mercedes...not a Cadillac etc....just a normal ole Altima. Anyway...

It's tells things like, "I'm so smart and proactive in my ego-driven wisdom that I'll make the decisions for you. Since I'm so much better at life, driving --and parking-- I won't even give you sub-humans a chance to hit my beautiful car"

It tells things like, "I know you'll be staring at my car --as you would be me, if I was standing here--, and thus, you will most likely hit my wonderful car in your confused, and now lustful, state of mind. Simply because I own it. And am better than you."

It tells things like, "I'm the kind of person who thinks the world revolves around me. Why, even my plain and simple Nissan Altima is a target for people like yourself who are not as great as me."

It tells things like, "I'm so impressed with my life, and possessions, including this ultra-normal Nissan Altima, that you surely must be impressed too. Let me make sure you don't hit my car because, unlike myself, sub-humans like you do not posses adequate hand-eye coordination to avoid it."

It tells things like, "Me! Me! Me!!"

It tells things like, "I'm a fucking douchebag."


I also observed a Dodge Charger re-issue car parked diagonally in the Stop & Shop parking lot. This car had a Texas plate, and seemed actually bad-ass. I figured I'd mention it here, but not trash the diagonally-parked driver. Because it looked good parked that way and the driver is probably also bad-ass.


Cheers! Happy fucking holidays!! :) Please don't fucking park as if you're so fucking special...thanks!


~ZFJ

Thursday, October 25, 2012

I was only in it for the fashion

Hello readers.

I remember when I was a naïve young teenager and I thought “I wonder how these retail clothing stores know in advance what we’re all going to want to wear?? How do they know which fashions to invest in??...” Then, I realized that they tell us which fashions we want, and “need”. through various media and social platforms. Boy did I feel Stupid…stupid….stupid….stupid….stupid.

Stupid.

And the Presidential Election Race isn’t much different.

Yesiree folks. It’s a silly, silly time of the year as we watch, read, scrutinize and learn about the Presidential Candidates: Gov. Mitt Romney & Pres. Barack Obama. We analyze “facts” and details as we decide who will garner our valuable vote. But the best part is the “smear” commercials that attack their opponents life, their choices, their allegiances and any/all factors that could potentially sway votes away from their opponent and to their side. (I LOVE these by the way, absolutely hilarious) Nothing is out-of-bounds in the giant-scale popularity contest known as: The Presidential Election Race!

We Americans enjoy televised, spirited and polished debates, that mainly consist of question-dodging, finger pointing, and references to various studies and charts and research and other things. All designed to back up the claims of each particular candidate. Yep, grown men and statesmen reduced to finger-pointing “little boys” complete with accusations of incompetence, accusations of “not being able to provide details about proposed economic and social “plans”, and every other imaginable “dig”. My favorites are the assertive/hollow speeches about taking care of the “Middle Class” (this is so “token” that it makes my head spin) . The massive overall effort to paint the other candidate as an evil, lying, cheating, agenda-pushing, full-of-shit-politician just trying to get elected for every other reason other than to lead America to prosperity (which is most likely true) is fascinating. I mean, just to wrap my brain around the giant machine of money, people, media and any/all other resources that are involved in helping a candidate get elected is a daunting task. From researchers, pundits, media people, “experts” and lobbyists, to the “grassroots” army of promotion for each candidate, the campaign trail is just astounding to think about. I mean, it can’t be easy to dig up that many dirty facts about a person to use in TV commercials?? It can’t be easy (or inexpensive) to find the “right” propaganda teams to spin things to the public??

It takes real work (and real dollars) to create the impression that a presidential candidate is a true leader, an effective decision-maker, a real “answer” for America’s troubles. What fun!

Now, here’s my new genius-level idea.

We go and revise the Presidential Election Race from it’s current format, to the well-received and very familiar format that all us Americans have grown to love so dearly:

A REALITY TELEVISION SHOW!!

This would rule.

Think about it, we all know it’s bullshit and rhetoric just get votes anyway, the Presidential Election Race that is. We know that whoever gets elected will end up as an effective agenda-pushing, palm-greasing, big money person of influence --with the "middle class" not really getting all too much of the benefit... So why not make this inevitability more enjoyable for Americans? Give us some “real” criteria to make our decision??

Here’s an example of why this would rule: We all remember Daisy of Love, right? (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Daisy_of_Love ) The reality TV show starring Daisy De La Hoya, the runner-up of the VH1 reality dating show “Rock of Love 2” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rock_of_Love_with_Bret_Michaels_(season_2) ) featuring Bret Michaels, of Poison fame –-I watched every episode.

Here’s the basic run-down. Daisy, a bodacious, buxom-blonde-bimbo, was the star of a TV show aimed at helping her find “true love”. Daisy was also making an album of her music. She was already a noteworthy TV commodity from her stint on Bret Michaels show so, why not? They gave her a show that would help her (the record company) put out her album (meaning, yes it sucks...of course it does!! But since she is a guaranteed sell-able commodity, and with guaranteed ROI, there was little risk involved...why not cash in from a reality TV show at the same time???) --Anyway, the show featured a gaggle of juiced-up, testosterone fueled, fame-seeking douche bag male contestants, also seeking “true love”. The male contestants would be faced with contests, trials and various other tasks and challenges that would ultimately prove who would be Daisy’s “true love”. And there was plenty of behind-the-scenes juicy footage to satisfy even the most insatiable lust. Daisy did find "true love", and more importantly, she got a ton of exposure for her album. Seems logical enough?

So, why not have the Presidential candidates duke it out in a reality TV show too? We’ll set them up in a hot-ass mansion, set up challenges, situations and hidden cameras to hear their “real” thoughts about shit. The cameras will be perpetually rolling for behind-the-scenes, ultra-candid material. C’mon, enough of the stuffy debates and smear tactics. I think just getting these men together in a reality TV situation where they lower their prefabricated defenses and images, could be just the thing to get more Americans to respond with votes.

Like for example, on one episode Joe Biden and Paul Ryan head out to party at a local nightclub after a hot debate. They get trashed and Joe Biden’s general distaste for Paul Ryan (as observed in the actual Vice Presidential debate) reaches a boiling point. Biden attacks Ryan as he is hitting on some “bitches” with a flurry of wild and passionate punches and kicks. Ryan, who is too hammered to feel the pain, just laughs uncontrollably as his “bitches” look on in astonished amazement. Biden ends up banging two of them that night (observed by the night-vision cameras placed in each room).

Or, in an early episode, Romney and Obama decide to settle a random, escalating, meaningless, and well-documented argument(cameras always rolling…never forget) on the mansion’s basketball court. The battle is surprisingly close as Romney has the height advantage and has cast his entire soul into beating Obama. But the match ends with an Obama dunk over Romney, complete with nuts dangling on Romney’s defeated/surprised face. This propels Romney to claim that he lost only because Obama is “black”. And this is the shit we really want to know about these candidates!

Or perhaps, for rainy days, the candidates meet with their “Propaganda Ministers” for an "S.B.C Session" (Stands for "Smear. Bullshit. Conquer {session} Propaganda Ministers are just one of the many auxiliary-type characters to be appearing in this show with each candidate. There will also be “Enforcers”, “Money Men”, “Special Agents”, “Bitches”, and “Cleaner-uppers” among others. (Don't kid yourself, every politician has all these people on hand in real life anyway.) We will get to see new smear campaigns developed right before our eyes! The best, most convincing and most funny smear campaigns will win “points”, which will help to further each candidate’s chances of election. There will be online voting for America for that, hopefully.

Of course, we will be privy to plenty random “behind-the-scenes” footage from the mansion. Like, Biden, Ryan, Obama and Romney are sitting around getting trashed in the kitchen of the mansion, with various “bitches” and auxiliary players milling bout. Biden will drunkenly apologize to Ryan for whipping his ass with shit like, "My bad 'Paulie-Paul'....*burp*....It's all in fun, eh? Right?? ...*hiccup*....man, fuck...shit. I love ya Paul...yo my boy blue! ...", and Ryan will say something to the effect of “Shut the fuck up you drunken old man. I didn’t even feel that shit…” causing the two Presidential candidates to blow up, spitting their drinks in the process, in laughter. Ryan cracks a smile of accomplishment as he feels he “got” Biden. Next thing we see is Biden’s fist smashing into Ryan’s cheek, then face (repeatedly), then rib cage, then…oh you get it. He fucks Paul Ryan up. (Ryan, when directly asked at a later point, "is Biden just plain tougher than you?", manages to not answer the question at all. Instead he dances around the topic of “toughness” and if it really means anything in a man’s life…etc. Ah yes.....it would simply be an amazing Presidential Election Race in this format, in my opinion.

See friends, I approach the upcoming Presidential Election with disdain, knowing the fact that I think they’re both full of shit, and so will be the next batch of candidates. It’s kind of always been like this. But, thanks to the information stream in the “Communication Age” we are currently alive in, we’re all just more knowledgeable and informed. Not like the naive people we may have been in another life.



~ZFJ

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Tight Jeans & Retail Integrity

Hi folks!!

You were waiting with bated-breath, hoping....dreaming that I'd write again?? Well, of course I will...I've just been super busy with stuff lately. Anyway...here's some rambling for your Sunday afternoon, about integrity in retail that has pleasantly surprised me.

The other day I was perusing good ole H & M in the mall, looking for grey-ish, slim/tight jeans that I could wear to my friends wedding reception BBQ (was yesterday...was a grand time!). I found a few styles that looked "painfully" slim (har har har) and really cool. Problem was, after my first pass through the store, I couldn't find a size bigger that 32" waist!! At first I just thought that all the "not-emaciated-not-extremely-skinny-and-possibly-slightly-portly people had already purchased all the 34" and up sizes of this cool-looking skinny jean. Yeah, that's it. These jeans look so cool that the "larger" people have pillaged the sizes I was looking into (no, I'm not fat. No, I'm not skinny...get it???)

My search continued. I even asked the very busy, and very uninterested retail clerk who was stocking clothes, for clarification about the "European" sizes that all the clothes had listed. She informed me that they're basically the same as American sizes. Oh. Okay...damn, H & M is cool....anyway, I could not find ANY size over 32" waist despite my effort. Then it hit me:

They don't even offer sizes past 32" waist on those type jeans.

Now that's called integrity folks! See, I can buy skinny jeans all I like (which I will) but they'll never look the way they're supposed to on my not-too-skinny self (no, I'm not fat, per-say). I can parade around town in them, wear them on the stage and in casual use at parties, but they still will have a slight gut protruding over them (slight people...very slight). They still won't look the way they can --and should-- look on a person who happens to be "larger" than the average person (such as myself). Anyway, I was impressed by H & M's integrity. Rather than even make it possible for a person to buy those jeans, resulting in a "less-than-optimal" appearance in future use, they don't even make sizes past 32" waist available! Not 33", 34",35",36"...nope! Shit, I had to scour the place to find even size 32!! Hats off to H & M company for making smart decisions for their customers who may just be a bit delusional about what they (we) can fit into and what would look "good" when eventually fit into.

But! I will find some grey-ish skinny-type jeans for my days and nights at The Whoo Space in Northampton, MA between September 4th and 10th!! But wait ZFJ, what's going on at The Whoo Space on 11 Market St. in beautiful Northampton Massachusetts between September 4th and September 10th you ask?? Well reader, it's the week where my band (Swillmerchants) is making our new album "I Don't Remember The World" available to YOU! Alright!! Yep. We're real excited about this music folks...we'll be there playing favorite records, eating, drinking, hanging, talking, breathing, farting (occasionally), laughing....you get it. Shameless promotion is fun!!

Check this out: http://www.facebook.com/events/276652089102665/

So, today we've learned that skinny jeans are a privilege, and that H & M respects all of us enough to make decisions for us, at times. We've learned that some of us will continue to seek out and wear skinny jeans. And we've learned that Swillmerchants have a new album called "I Don't Remember The World" that will be available between September 4th and September 10th (and beyond) @ our own little temporary retail location in Northampton...come get some!


~ZFJ

Friday, July 6, 2012

At Dunkin Donuts Customers can...F*CK OFF!

Daaaaaamn...

Quick one here folks, because my mind was just blown. Now, we've all had hit or miss service at the various Dunkin Donuts we all frequent from time to time. Right? Of course! I mean, there's no way we should expect that people can be happy who are sitting in a little booth (drive through), or taking orders at the counter in front of an impatient line of sleep-deprived people in horrid need of caffeine. That can't make a person happy...but that IS what they signed up for.

Just sayin'...

So just about an hour ago, after picking up my sidekick from school, I decided to swing by the drive through at a Dunkin Donuts on King St. It's quickly apparent to me that they're in a busy stretch as I fall into the line of cars, full of people wanting stuff from Dunkin Donuts. I finally get to the giant order "menu" and I am greeted with a very un-enthused young womans voice mumbling what I thought was "ulcone-a-bwintow-indon...utzayee ta untwah"? (Translates to "Welcome to Dunkin Donuts, may I take your order?" I say "I'm sorry, I can't hear you."

Bad fucking move.

She lashes out with a non-mumbled greeting of "What would you like??" (with extra snap to it). I give her the information for what I would like: "I'd like a large Ice Coffee please. Cream and Sugar, but can you just add a bit of cream? I don't like it when it's too light." She replies with "Uh huh". I thank her and she says, in the most "fuck-my-life" sort of way, "Drive up"....barely even pronouncing the words as she utters them. I pull up to the window and she presents me with my large Ice Coffee.

Of course, it is almost white from the amount of cream she's put in it.

I politely ask Wanda (that's her name) if she can prepare me another Ice coffee because I don't like it like that. Folks, she literally gave me a look of "are-you-fucking-seriously-asking-me-to-go-and-prepare-you-another-coffee-with-the-day-I'm-having-you-jerk-off??" ....She actually then says to me "Seriously??" My mind was rather blown at this point because, I am just a person who wants to pay Dunkin Donuts to make me a coffee the way I would prefer it. No personal attack. No ill-will. No animosity towards her. I just wanted an Ice coffee with not a ton of cream in it, dammit. Anyway, while she's giving me attitude (and not going to prepare me a new coffee by the way) I have to say to her, "No, Seriously. That's why I asked you at the drive up for a very small amount of cream. Because I don't like it too light..."

Well, that part got through to her because she huffed and puffed her way through the 15 second ordeal of making me a new coffee (with some extra saliva in it now, I'm sure). She returns to the window with a demonstrative "How's this?? Light enough for you??" (readers, this all really happened...I know it seems far-fetched, but it did actually happen). I say "Yeah, that looks good...thanks!" But Wanda wasn't quite finished showing me how she treats asshole customers like myself. She sarcastically asks if I'd like to sample the Ice Coffee before I leave, to make sure it tastes good too. I said "No thanks, I'm sure it's fine...", as I try to escape her evil presence.

But Wanda hadn't yet completed my "lesson" of "how to not be a fucking selfish, pushy customer". Wanda wryly says, "No really, please taste it to make sure it's ok" I chuckle a bit now, the kind of chuckle I give to someone who is fucking with me. A chuckle of, "shit. You better be fucking happy that I'm in a good mood Wanda. Or else I'd blow up the building with you in it. Or at least be a tattle-tale and let your manager know how you do things around here...". Meanwhile, a dude approaches the window and gives me the wrong change ($.73 short, I had given Wanda a $20 before she went to "fix" me up with a new coffee. The bill was $2.37), this happened quickly --and added to my confusion--, as I was being forced to try the new and improved Ice coffee (which I'm sure Wanda added a lil' something to).....I taste the coffee and it is indeed right-on-the-money, taste-wise. I let her know this and I get the most insincere, sarcastic "fuck you" of an exit greeting: "Have a nice daay".

Shit. I wasn't even pissed. And I think I learned something today? You will get your fucking coffee how THEY want you to have it. And if you ask for it to be YOUR way, they will give you holy hell for that, at Dunkin Donuts....From time to time....


~ZFJ

Sunday, July 1, 2012

"Eye of The Tiger", a message from a Champion.



"Champions aren't made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision." --Muhammad Ali

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." --Lance Armstrong

"I can beat anyone, either male, female, animal, vegitable, or mineral." --Jim Cornette

"The time your game is most vulnerable is when you're ahead, never let up." --Rod Laver

"I don't run away from a challenge because I am afraid. Instead, I run toward it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath your feet." --Nadia Comaneci

"Just when you think you know the answers, I change the questions." --"Rowdy" Roddy Piper

"I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on." --Muhammad Ali

"To win takes a complete commitment of mind and body. When you can't make that commitment, they don't call you a champion anymore." --Rocky Marciano

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating. It's ludricrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm." --Mike Tyson

"Lie down so I can recognise you." --Willie Pep


Hello readers.

As I sit here reflecting, on this eve-of-the-eve of a day that will prove to contain what will be considered one of my greatest achievements, I've chosen to include some quotes delivered by some of my fellow "Champions". I feel these quotes epitomize me amazingly well as a current, and reigning Eating Champion. "Champion" meaning, many people have challenged me, but no person has defeated me. Yes...You did read that correctly, "..no person has defeated me." I know, I know. It seems unreasonable that a person could exist at such a lofty height with not only the title of "Champion" but also the day-to-day fulfillment of being a natural-athlete within the esteemed sport of, Eating. Well readers, this person does exist at that level.

So, for your reading pleasure, here's a couple stories of shattered dreams, fractured lives and regret-filled existences from just a couple of the many who have been defeated, bettered by your champion, in Fully-Sanctioned eating contests, of course....

Quite a spell ago, a man called "The Yetti", a large, dull, blowhard type of a man, an uninformed man....a man who for some reason really thought he could defeat me. He even made a scene about it whilst mutually attending our friend's wrestling event in Enfield CT, filling the room with so much hot air that a couple people fainted, as he publicly challenged your champion (Me). Yes indeed, The Yetti had a large, loud mouth. And subsequently, whilst mutually attending Hollywood G-Man's Gala Wrestlemania Sunday event, was destroyed; humiliated; changed; at the hands of your champion. The Yetti, for all his dullard size and oxen strength, could only muster up the grit to consume 15 pieces of Pizza Makers (brand) Party Size Combination pizza. Your champion had already consumed 17 pieces by the point of his surrender, and decided to continue eating until number 23 was down the hatch. The Yetti has not been seen anywhere near a Fully-Sanctioned eating event since, but he is always welcome in under-card matches sometimes held before a main event.

And then there was Gary....Gary was the "resident eating master" at a former job. Oh yes, all my colleagues crooned about his electrifying eating-feats...."oh, nobody can eat more than Gary..." ....."Gary's incredible..." ....."he ate 55 wings at Thodores while we all watched Monday Night Football...". Boy, they really thought Gary had the blood of a Champion; The Eye of The Tiger.

I thought Gary was a casual hack; a light joke --when it came to eating.

The gauntlet was dropped! Gary and I would do battle at Theodores to see who could consume the most wings at a Fully-Sanctioned Monday Night Football Wing Eating Event (the wings were cheap on this night). The wings were ordered. They arrived. I set upon them like a starving lion....methodically devouring them -rarely taking a breath- , ....after just under an hour, I came out of the trance-like sexual blackout I had been in while eating those wings to find, I had eaten 56 wings in just under that hour!!! Co-workers were cheering, reveling and back-patting. I was taken aback by this reception because, after all, Gary was their hero, their champion. Then I found out that Gary had indeed eaten 55 wings, IN A WHOLE NIGHT. I ate 56 wings in one hour. Gary stopped at 55 wings that night, he said, "out of respect for what you've accomplished here tonight...".

But why do I tell you these grand tales of victory? Well, because I am soon to be faced with what could be my fiercest competitor to date, George Lenker (http://www.facebook.com/GeoLenk). And I want George to hear of my prowess....See folks, George is a writer, a food/restaurant taste-maker (pardon the pun) and quite possibly delusional. Delusional only because he has challenged me, your champion, to a Fully-Sanctioned Pizza Eating Event!! (To be held on July 3rd) Readers, as I sit here, preparing my Body, mind and spirit for the battle of destony looming ahead, I feel a serenity come to me, much like a woodland lake just before dusk.... I feel in advance the salvation of awareness I shall soon bestow upon a human who does not yet know who he is. He will soon know that he can't eat quite as fast as he thought....For I shall reign supreme against Mr. George Lenker on July 3rd.

Photobucket

It's also a pizza party and charity event, Donations at the door and the "saltine challenge" table will given to The United Way.

Facebook Event: http://www.facebook.com/events/331222680290875/


~ZFJ

Thursday, June 21, 2012

The problem with music these days...

is NOT the artist I'm about to expose you to.

The problem, or a big part of it at least, in my opinion, is that all these neat little avenues for "exposing" our music have exposed us all to too much fucking shit. Shit. Poop. Shit. Artists of the world who are pouring their hearts out, get pissed. Lose your mind. Become delusional, or enhance existing delusions (if you're aware of them) if you have to! Write a song to save the universe. Why be realistic?? Write in the direction you normally shy away from, ....Fuck that numbers shit, fuck the radio. WE choose what WE like these days, and it's all at our fingertips......why "make it"? If you're art is that good, it'll make you. And we'll find you.....Why not? Just fly off the handle; lose your mind; burn bridges; flow; create with reckless abandon.............and remember, like Bjork once said, "If you don't feel as if you would die without it, you're faking it."

Aaand on that note, let's meet Steve Lutke.

Steve Lutke, "Banjo Artist", is an unsigned artist out of the Chicago area(?). He plays the banjo. http://stevelutke.com/index.htm

He's good at it.

Steve knows how to think big. Real fucking big. And he may be a bit delusional...either way, this is how you fucking do a write up on the back cover of a local-area-released CD!

"If you're a fan of Bela Fleck and Earl Scruggs, then you are going to love Steve Lutke. And if you're a fan of great music, then you're going to love hearing virtuosity and soulfulness all in one musician. Steve is simply one of the greatest musicians of our time (the Michael Jordan of the banjo)and 'Appalachian Uprising' is one of the very best banjo albums ever recorded.

Steve can seemingly do anything -from rip roaring banjo to sensitive sounds and tones only heard on his banjo.

This album contains ALL ORIGINAL music ranging from hardcore bluegrass (containing dangerously high levels of octane considered 'highly illegal' in most jurisdictions) to delicate, sophisticated classical compositions performed accurately and tastefully."

And there's still another paragraph of self-praise to go!! But I'll spare you....now, I wonder....just who may have written all that flattering stuff??? Hmmmm? Anyway, some of my favorite cuts from that write-up are:

"Steve is simply one of the greatest musicians of our time."
and:
"the Michael Jordan of the banjo"
and:
"Steve can seemingly do anything."
and: "...and tones only heard on his banjo"
and:
"ranging from hardcore bluegrass (containing dangerously high levels of octane considered 'highly illegal' in most jurisdictions)"

THAT'S how you get delusional people!!! Shit!! That's how you cut loose.....



~ZFJ

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Restroom stories, Volume 1

Hi everybody!

Well, I've been driving around towns and cities destroying bugs as a day job when I'm not booking bands, recording music and/or hanging with people I generally like. Naturally, due to my consistent driving, I have to visit public restrooms on occasion to relieve myself. And I've been flabbergasted by the type of behavior that sometimes happens when people inadvertently interrupt us in our times of restroom solitude.

People can get crazy about public restrooms, as I've experienced too many times firsthand. I've started using the "knock-first-then-slowly-try-the-door-handle-then- still-look-into-the-bathroom-before-barging-in" technique recently due to many "situations" I've recently been caught in. Below are a few snapshots of the aforementioned "situations".

At a bar. I go to the MENS restroom. The door is slightly ajar and the light is on. It's obvious to me that the room is vacant and ready to be used.

Other than the GIRL who was in there wiping her ass after a nice, awful-smelling shit has been taken!

Traumatized? (her more than me, I'm sure) Hilarious?? (Yep. Just from the look of utter astonishment reflecting panicked thoughts of "oh-shit-I-Just-got-busted-wiping-my-shit filled-ass-while-in-a-public-bathroom-in-which-I-shoulda-double-checked-the-fucking-lock-especially-considering-that-I'm-in-the-MENS-bathroom AND, the shit-I-dropped-smells-really-fucking-bad too!!). After this, to me, that girl became "The Girl Who Just Took a Shit", rather than anything slightly desirable...

At Dunkin Donuts in Amherst. I had a serious emergency brewing, and I wasn't close to home. I stop at one of my favorite "watering holes" (heh heh), first I knock on the door. I hear nothing. I try the handle and it's not locked, so I open the door slowly. I look in and there's a flustered contractor-type dude in there who gets all huffy with me barking "I'm almost finished!!" I sheepishly backed away muttering "maybe ya shoulda locked the door..." Then I hear him say "jeez, I locked the fucking door..." What?? No you didn't!!! If you had, it would have been LOCKED. What, do you think I picked the lock or something?? Do you feel this was a personal attack on your bathroom solitude?? Damn man...be accountable for your own actions. Lock. The. Fucking. Door.

At the Shell/Dunkin Donuts in Palmer. I'm using the restroom and treating it real bad. I'm finishing up and I hear someone outside try the door handle. I didn't give my standard "Be right out!" cry as I foolishly assume that the person on the outside would realize that, since door is locked, it means someone inside the restroom has locked it. The dude starts banging on the door. Really?? Where's the fire man??? Then I gave the "Be right out!!" cry as I rushed to get outta there fearing he would kick the door in or something....c'mon people. A man needs some fucking privacy when he's taking a shit!

At Bruegers Bagels in Noho, this very morning. I head downstairs to the restroom and knock on the door. I hear nothing. I slowly try the handle and it's not locked. OK, I know it's safe to go in because I heard nothing in response to my knocking and the door is not locked. I foolishly proceed into the restroom after my pre-barging-in tests have been completed, only to discover that there's a man in there. He's not too happy with me as he's trying to rush out, looking all pissed-off because someone is coming in while he's still in it. Wow. What else could I have done??? I apologized, muttered under my breath "that's why you lock the fucking door...", and waited. He gave me a dirty look as he exited the restroom.

The point of all this? Well, I think that in our society, we all need to keep our public restroom etiquette a bit more on the front-burner. Yes? So, here's some basic guidelines:
WHEN USING THE RESTROOM:
1) Lock the fucking door.
2) If someone doesn't get why the door is locked and begins banging on the obviously-locked-for-a-reason-door, give a polite yet assertive "be right out" type greeting.
3) Conduct your business in a timely fashion.
4) Be neat.
5) Get out and go on with your life.

WHEN APPROACHING A POSSIBLY OCCUPIED RESTROOM:
1) Knock on the fucking door.
2) Slowly try the handle.
3) If the door is unlocked, don't assume it's vacant, maybe try a "hello?" or other acceptable pre-greeting call-out while cautiously proceeding.
4) If the door is locked, there's no real need to bang on it. It means someone is in there, probably taking a nice shit. Just wait your turn.


Hopefully this information will help some of you avoid unpleasant, and possibly dangerous, situations when you are faced with the need to use public restrooms. Bye!!



~ZFJ

Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Drive, The Giant

The Drive -
Happened today....went through the lands of: Northampton, Easthampton, Holyoke, Westfield, Granville, Tolland, Sandisfield, New Marlborough, Southfield, Great Barrington, Stockbridge, Lee, Pittsfield, Lanesboro, Williamstown, North Adams, Florida, Peru, Charlemont, Shelburne Falls, Greenfield, Deerfield, Whately, Hatfield and back to Northampton. I'm sure I've left a couple towns out too....after 275 miles worth of driving. When my iphone, with it's faulty headphone jack and all, decided to work -music-playing-wise, the playlists via it's on-board ipod did take good care of me....otherwise I just rolled along the vibrant green streets with crystal clear sunlight cascading all around me on beautiful brand-new roads. (Because, as you all know, if you drive anywhere these days, there will be road construction.) Makes for a good ride....and a good ride makes for good thinking....about why I'm really doing things. And what I really want. Shit, it amazes me sometimes.......Mike Ditka was quoted once as saying, "You get what you tolerate". More about that later..


The Giant -
Is SEARS.
See, about a month and a half ago, Devo and I decided to buy an exercise bike. We did the research, found some good models, compared factors and debated whether to buy one online or in a retail store. We figured that, if we were to buy one online that the shipping/trying to install it would be the end of us. Anyway, the decision was to hit the dreaded retail market to get the bike we wanted. The store that happens to carry the model we desired is SEARS, retail giant. I say "dreaded retail market" because my thoughts about corporations, companies and businesses (retail and service oriented businesses alike) are to the effect that they will do, say, brand, convince, market, sales-pitch and provide overall comfort to you with warm advertisements of service and/or their life-enhancing products...and we all dream of the smiling person we'll become if we just buy those products and/or services. But we know they're full of shit.

Maybe it's not quite that drasctic? ....Or is it??

So, a month and a half ago we strolled into SEARS, with all our research done and drunk with power from our recent wave of action and decisiveness, we embarked on our journey to buy that bike. But it was rocky from the get-go. First, we had to find someone in the store to assist us in the purchase because for about 15 minutes no one even came to the "fitness" area of the store. Finally, a swaggering young retail clerk emerged and burned down the aisle towards us to help. He threw some smooth jokes, didn't back down from price negotiations and initiated the sale. At the register he got confused about a number of things --we were there for an hour(??) trying to buy this thing-- but!! He eventually broke down and summoned the store manager who figured it all out. We bought the installation ($99 extra clams), we bought the extended warranty (hey, we don't know how to fix this shit), and all-told, it was like $700. We got a delivery date set up and figured we'd be "good" despite the cantankerous retail exchange we had just endured.
Not quite.
The delivery team showed up, seemed less-than-excited about the prospect of having to set the bike up, and asked "So, do you guys want help setting this up?"
"ha ha", very cute guys --yes we fucking do. Because that's what we fucking paid for($99)!!!
Needless to say, the machine has had a "clunking in it's wheel since the start. We tried every little cure to get it "fixed" but it only got worse. You think the installation crew, who didn't want to set it up after being paid to do so (they even scowled at the $10 tip), may have done a lackluster job??? YEP.

Now check this out. I'm going to list the flow of events that occurred on Tuesday when I tried to set up a service appointment for this bike:

Called "customer care" -got a young man who listened to my story and quickly transferred me to "service and repair" department with the assurance that I'd be setting up a repair service.
Was transferred. Was hung up on.
Called "customer care" (#2 call) -A nice woman got on the line and I attempted to clarify why I was calling. She assured me that she could help me. I remarked that it was weird that SHE could but the rep I just spoke with said he couldn't (??)....I repeated my story of the faulty bike, she then informed me that she would have to transfer me to the "service and repair" department. Ok.....uumm sure......I was on hold and had to go through the various automated prompts --again. Finally a man answered, I told him my story and he said he "didn't really need to know all that....".....okaaay. He then said he would get me set up for service and then he put me on hold.

I held for awhile.....
After 10 minutes, give or take, the line got transferred to another series of prompts, now at the Nordictrack Corporation. After some time on hold and various messages of how important my call was to them, plugs for social media sites of theirs I could visit and more than one attempt to have me hang up with assurances that they'd call me back, a representative answered. I tell my story. He says he can't help me because SEARS installed it and SEARS will have to service it.

What the fuck?????
I try the "service and repair" line direct. It sends me to Nordictrack. I hang up.....now furious at the run-around I've gotten. But that was just the start readers, just the start. I call back and lace into an unfortunate "customer care" rep. who, after hearing my story, quickly moved to transfer me to, you guessed it, the "service and repair" department!!! I told him I needed a manager, he cockily assured me that he was transferring me to the "big boss"; "the top-of-the-ladder-manager" (actual quotes).....on hold.....on hold....bang!!! The "big boss" gets on the line. I tell my story --yet again. He, after hearing it, regrets to inform me that he's the loss prevention manager and he has nothing to do with that department. We both wondered why I was transferred to him??? He does get me the store manager named "Pam" (who even knows if these people use real names???)
"Pam" gets on the line. She seems to have no time for my shit. I tell my story and: SHE TELLS ME THAT I NEED TO CALL "SERVICE AND REPAIR" to set this up. I went fairly ballistic. She says she didn't think that department would get back to her this night (Tuesday) and that she is off the next day (Wednesday). She says she can call me Thursday to arrange the service. I ask for her direct number and get, "well, ...I have a phone in my office but I'm never in there.....you can try......leave me a message and I'll get back to you...."

WOW.

Devo and I pretty much assumed that we wouldn't be hearing from "Pam" anytime near Thursday. And we didn't. We're going to get a refund from SEARS now.....I thought about some of this on my 275 mile drive through beautiful Western Massachusetts today....I thought about "Pam" and SEARS and why the fuck I even bothered to "trust" things like: Installation service, warranties, repairs, retail sales pitches and SEARS in general. I mean, shit....I know they'll tell me anything and everything to get my/your/our money, but when they have the money in hand they will then make it an act of God to try and get service or "customer care" from that point. I just wish it wasn't so fucking predictable, and that every so often they'd stand by the bullshit they're pushing.

The lesson here? DON'T TRUST SEARS WHEN THEY SELL YOU SOMETHING, AND DON'T BUY THINGS FROM SEARS THAT INVOLVE SERVICE OR INSTALLATION.



~ZFJ

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Your money, their money, my money

This is going to be a rant...shit, I haven't even had time to write shit in the last month, and I'm pissed about it. The last few days have just really slapped me in the face with regards to things like money, financial services markets, bills and all sorts of other bullshit. Your bank makes an error in your favor. It is fixed in seconds. Your bank makes an error in their favor. It takes 14-30 days to reflect changes. Neat-o! Your cell phone bill -wildly overpriced as it is- comes out at $667 dollars (!!!!!!!WTF?!?!?) for 100 minutes over the call plan. Fucking wow on that one. Six hundred and sixty seven dollars. For. A. Fucking. Phone. YAY!! You get a hard lesson about financial services markets of the world, particularly pushed and perpetuated in America, and how there is zero, I mean zero, regard for the consumer/borrower. Instead, elaborate and confusing facades are developed, with many, many layers, to lead us all down the primrose path .....but it devastates some people along the way. Their defense? "You should have read what you were signing." They should change their efforts to reflect some manner of ethics, actually.,,,thankfully, some very active people in our state have initiated some changes. My iphone. I bought a Garageband app awhile ago. It's awesome. They notify me of an upgrade and I go to install it. Nope!!! It tells me I don't have enough "icloud storage" for this app. The app that I already paid for, was previously installed, and now has an available upgrade. I go buy more storage. Still can't load the upgrade for some fucking reason.....I'm sure there will be an opportunity to pay them more money so I can get the app installed that I already paid for. I swear to fucking God, if we all let them keep selling us stuff, they would take every last fucking penny we have...forcing smiles as they take the money, with "customer service" robots at-the-ready, to comfort us as they read from their canned fucking scripts when we call with a problem. The call may/will result in even more offers to buy services or items that will resolve our issues, surely. Insurance; Bullshit; Sinkholes; scams. You pay plenty of money to them but their entire function is to NOT pay. This is amazing to me. I just got hit with a cute loophole in my insurance that screwed me for a month. But, If I threw some money at them, I'm sure they could find a solution to resolve the issue (which has already been resolved as of this rant, thankfully). I just got sick over the realization that it will never stop. Companies do it all to get that money from our pockets. Then, they do more marketing/selling, to get more money from our pockets...then still more......I realize they're in business to make profit. I/we get that. Is there no end to it??? .....there has to come a time when they just service the fucking customer for what we've already fucking bought, with no sales pitches and red-taped terms of use/regulations. Just seems like I should have all my money go right to the various fucking services I've contracted for, direct deposit-style...THEY would be very happy with that. Anyway, I'm shopping for new services because I've had it.....I can't wait to hear the sales pitches they'll use to get my business.....and I can't wait to hear the ways I can spend even more money with them down-the-line. This fucking country of consumerism, wow....it just keeps a rollin'. ~ZFJ

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Hi!! Happy Easter!

So, I've been watching this YouTube video of what appears to be a gangsta rapper who's rapping to the world about his prowess on "the streets", and in being a gangsta. He tries to smoke a blunt but ends up passing out because he apparently can't handle the level of marijuana smoke from that particular jazz-cigar. Well, the Easter holiday and this video compelled me to reflect on vital principles of being a "Gangsta", and how good it must feel to actually be a gangsta. I will share the principles that I believe are essential, and non-negotiable, for those that aspire to be a true gangsta. I will then contrast them with the errors that this rapper has displayed on his personal quest to become a gangsta. But first, go ahead and get rocked by this video:




Here's the lyrics, for study purposes:

“…*(un-decipherable lyrics)*…..to be chillin’. If I’m not chillin’ I prolly got my grillin’. If I ain’t got my grill yeah, I’m prolly clockin' on the block tryin’ to cop me a million. Other than that I got my brothas in black who be ready to mask up lest da nigga act up…...I ain’t gotta squeeze the trigger but please believe I bleed a nigga.... Have em’ leakin’ and shit…... and I ain’t talkin’ Spanish I’m just speakin’ and shit, ya heard?? That’s my word better stand on it, I’m a man before anything, put a grand on it. Make it two G’s…...on da real, bitch niggas try to do me….*(pause for extended puffs from a marijuana cigar)*…...get smoked like dat blunt *(followed immediately by an elongated cough)*…..more hacking….eyes roll back in the head….the aspiring gangsta rapper falls off the chair, marking the end of that rap. And possibly the end of his quest to become a gangsta.

Gangsta rule #1: You must be able to smoke marijuana till the cows come home. Meaning, any/all blunts that come your way, you smoke them effortlessly. You can, and will, out-smoke any "bitch-nigga".

But our subject didn't do this part too well. He raps about "bitch niggas try to do me? I'll smoke you like dat blunt." But dat blunt smoked him!! Are we to believe that any bitch nigga will also smoke him???

Gangsta rule #2: You must have the ability to generate large amounts of "income", preferably from non-legal efforts on "the street" or "the block".

I find it hard to believe that our subject, rapping in what appears to be a bedroom inside his grandmother's house, is actually out on the block tryin' to cop him a million. Considering he can't even hold down the marijuana smoke from that blunt, any "bitch-nigga" should easily be able to stop his efforts to cop a million by just waving a blunt in his face. Not buying it....just not buying it.

Gangsta Rule #3: You must have a crew of "brothas-in-black" who be ready to "mask up" lest a nigga act up (meaning, people who are loyal to you who will execute covert operations designed to inflict physical harm to people who "act up" against you).

Well. I doubt that these people even exist in this man's life. I can't see them displaying loyalty to a "gangsta" that doesn't even have his own apartment -let alone a "million". I can't believe that these "brothas in black" would put their civic liberties at risk for a man who lives at Grandma's house and can't even smoke through a full marijuana cigar before passing out.



So, dear readers, I imagine that many of you aspire to be true gangstas. Being a gangsta feels good and has many rewards, albeit risky rewards. You'll need to be prepared and really commit to make it happen. Our friend in the video was not prepared, unfortunately for him. And he paid a steep price for it.....But you won't have to thanks to this handy guide. I hope this post will help you to understand some important fundamentals involved in this lifestyle and the preparation involved in making it a reality.


Ok then, happy Easter! Off to cop a million...


~ZFJ

Sunday, March 18, 2012

"545"

I got an email from my Dad yesterday. He forwarded it, which is not something he normally does, so I read it. The email is going around citing that Charley Reese, a journalist for the Orlando Sentinel Star newspaper and 49 year veteran journalist, wrote the following as his "last" column. It was actually written in 1985. Here's Charley Reese: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charley_Reese, a bad mother-fucker.

Anyway, his article, and clarity through his career, are really though provoking. The new email going around citing that he wrote this as his last column, in attempts to get us all "up-in-arms", is hopefully a product of some revolution; new emerging thoughts, formerly shared by a few daring souls in the dark corners, now coming to the forefront of American lives, en force. A revolution of thought --and action-- that should be happening-- but, other than some protests and opinions, is not happening....yet. But there have been rumblings .....here's the article (some names and events are outdated. Just replace them with whomever holds the current position and whatever war we happen to be in at the moment. It's all the same game anyway...):

THE 545 PEOPLE
RESPONSIBLE FOR ALL
OF AMERICA'S WOES

BY CHARLEY REESE


"Politicians are the only people in the world who create problems and then campaign against them.

Have you ever wondered why, if both the Democrats and the Republicans are against deficits, we have deficits? Have you ever wondered why, if all the politicians are against inflation and high taxes, we have inflation and high taxes?

You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does. You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote on appropriations. The House of Representatives does. You and I don't write the tax code. Congress does. You and I don't set fiscal policy. Congress does. You and I don't control monetary policy. The Federal Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president and nine Supreme Court justices - 545 human beings out of the 235 million - are directly, legally, morally and individually responsible for the domestic problems that plague this country.

I excluded the members of the Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created by the Congress. In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to provide a sound currency to a federally chartered but private central bank.

I excluded all but the special interests and lobbyists for a sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman or a president to do one cotton-picking thing. I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it.

No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislation's responsibility to determine how he votes.

A CONFIDENCE CONSPIRACY

Don't you see how the con game that is played on the people by the politicians? Those 545 human beings spend much of their energy convincing you that what they did is not their fault. They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.

What separates a politician from a normal human being is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being would have the gall of Tip O'Neill, who stood up and criticized Ronald Reagan for creating deficits.

The president can only propose a budget. He cannot force the Congress to accept it. The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land, gives sole responsibility to the House of Representatives for originating appropriations and taxes.

O'neill is the speaker of the House. He is the leader of the majority party. He and his fellow Democrats, not the president, can approve any budget they want. If the president vetos it, they can pass it over his veto.

REPLACE SCOUNDRELS

It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 235 million cannot replace 545 people who stand convicted -- by present facts - of incompetence and irresponsibility.

I can't think of a single domestic problem, from an unfair tax code to defense overruns, that is not traceable directly to those 545 people.

When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people exercise power of the federal government, then it must follow that what exists is what they want to exist.

If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair. If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red. If the Marines are in Lebanon, it's because they want them in Lebanon.

There are no insoluble government problems. Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats, whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish; to lobbyists, whose gifts and advice they can reject; to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate and from whom they can take it.

Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that there exist disembodied mystical forces like "the economy," "inflation" or "politics" that prevent them from doing what they take an oath to do.

Those 545 people and they alone are responsible. They and they alone have the power. They and they alone should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses - provided they have the gumption to manage their own employees."



"Those 545 people and they alone are responsible. They and they alone have the power. They and they alone should be held accountable by the people who are their bosses - provided they have the gumption to manage their own employees."



Their bosses are all of us, of course.


~ZFJ

Friday, March 9, 2012

Frequent Flyer

Hi.

We've been all around town flyering for our show on the 31st!! Yay!! Everyone in this town likes and utilizes flyers to advertise their respective crafts...they're everywhere. A good, well-designed, catchy flyer is definitely a must-have and you're not "cool" if you don't have a good flyer. Got to have a good flyer....I mean, they're on bulletin boards, at the entrances of restaurants and clubs...they're online (of course), why, they're even sometimes under the windshield wiper of your car!

Anyway, I've been trying to get approval to hang one up on one of the community bulletin boards in the health club I frequent (ok, okay. maybe I don't frequent it...). It'll be really cool to hang one up there, if I get the approval that is. See, from my recent experiences, I've come to the conclusion that hanging a flyer at the health club is a huge deal. Last week, during a scintillating run on the treadmill, I hatched an evil plan. See, if I were to hang a flyer on the bulletin board in the hallway en route to the workout rooms, then everyone who walked by it would be forced, by default of having to walk by that area, to see it.

Aaaaahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!! Yet another plan was born....So, after the run, I asked the nice girl at the front desk if I could hang a flyer on one of the three available bulletin boards. She replied with "Duuh, I don't know the policy for that...I'd have to ask the manager..." The policy???

Wow. Okay...I said "Don't worry about it, I'll check back at a later date.", still keeping my diabolical plan fresh in my mind as I departed. A few days later after finishing another workout, the whole time continuing to nurture my evil plan of "force-feeding" my flyer unto the eyes of all the health club patrons. Upon completion of the workout, I approach the kid at the front desk with the half sleeve tattoo (very personable guy by the way) and ask if I can hang the flyer. He replies (very nicely and "gate-keeper-esq") with, "Hmmmm...good question. I'm not sure what the policy is for that. I can check with Brenda to see if she would approve that...". I say "Ok. Sounds good. Maybe I can talk with Brenda myself? What does she look like? When is she here normally?" He replies, "She usually is here in the mornings...she wears a hat backwards usually." etc etc. I go, "OK man, thanks. I'll see if I can catch up with her". So yesterday I visited the health club again, finished a workout and asked the girl at the desk if Brenda was there. She informed me that Brenda had just left.

Fuck. At this point I began to fear that my plan would not come to fruition as I had once hoped.

The girl at the desk (different from the first girl by the way) asked what I wanted to talk with Brenda about and I explained that I wanted to hang a flyer up on one of the bulletin boards. She replied with "Oh. Ok. Well....can you bring in the flyer and I can get it to Brenda? I need to see if she will approve it and then, hopefully, you can put it up on that bulletin board over there" (she points to a lonely, non-featured bulletin board right near the door rather than the prime real estate right in the hallway to the workout room). My heart sank a bit as I realized that, even if I get approval to hang up the flyer, it will not be in the most visible spot within the health club and therefore will spare some of the members from seeing it. Fuck. Shit.

Anyway, I brought in the flyer, handed it to the girl and asked if I should follow up to check the status of the approval process. She politely (possibly even bubble-ey) informed me that, when I come to the club next time, it will either be hung up....or not.

Shit.


Well, either way readers, I'm really hoping that I get approval to hang that fucking flyer up there. Considering the process, and the "ringer", they've put me through, I would feel especially accomplished if I see that pretty lil' flyer on that bulletin board.


~ZFJ

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Even if you choose not to decide, you have still chosen...

Hi!

Have you ever reflected on the choices you make? Considered the relative "weight" they all have?

Well, I had quite a time at the grocery store today choosing between the Schick "Hydro Blast 5" razor, the "Xtreme3 Fitstyle Refresh"(also from Schick), and the "Mach 3 Turbo" razor from the Gillette corporation. Ultimately, I chose the Mach 3 Turbo, based mostly on my familiarity with that particular razor. This process of choosing made me reflect on how important choices are in our lives. The razor choice is one that you make based on how you want to feel. I mean, the Hydro Blast 5 (better than models 1,2,3 & 4 by the way) makes me feel as if I'm going to get a hydro blast to my face, back and neck when I'm shaving (which by-the-fucking-way I have to do regularly now as the "Angel Of Death"). The Hydro Blast 5 sounds...."comforting". But not bad-ass. I, being the hard-charger that I am, like to feel bad-ass when shaving. When I use my Mach 3 Turbo (Previous Mach 3 models have included the Mach 3 "2-cylinder" and the Mach 3 "4-cylinder", both colossal marketing failures), I feel like a smooth-faced fighter pilot who's prowess in military tactics and airborne warfare is exceed only by his good looks and smooth-faced appearance. And he gets the girl. Every time. Big time.

Anyway, the decision process I faced today served as the catalyst for my thoughts on the weight of our choices in life. You know? Every choice shapes the course of the next few seconds, the next few minutes, the day, the week, the year......ANY choice has weight. The new route we take home....the song we didn't write....the food we eat.....the things we drink....every little choice shapes something in our lives, and others lives. But, as most of you would agree, few choices carry as much weight as:

Choosing bath towels that will ACTUALLY remove the water from your skin, rather than just "moving" it around.

Almost nothing consumes my life more than this right now. See, after searching for quite some time, I recently bought some new towels. They're 100% cotton. They're the "no frills" type of towels --supposedly. One of them is tiger striped design. These towels are "the ones" that felt as if they would fucking evaporate the water off your skin with one fell swoop. I fondled hundreds of towels to eventually arrive at these. Why, I even carefully avoided the lures of the "Ultra Comfort 3000" brand towels that claim to be "ultra" absorbent,organic and also 100% cotton. Ultra pricey too, but they do offer a tiger striped model. I thought it was all just another marketing ploy with slick lingo and convincing packaging, so I went for middle-of-the-road towels. Towels that currently, after quite a few uses, seem to only "move" the water around rather than remove it. Has my choice to save a few bucks cost me a good portion of my sanity??? Did I choose poorly simply by over-thinking my options??? Are the "Ultra Comfort 3000" towels really that good?????? Are they actually the ones I've been seeking all this time?

Anyway, I chose, based on my research and life experience, and I chose poorly dear readers. And believe me, that choice is weighing heavily on me.....As of this writing, I am even second guessing my Mach 3 Turbo choice and feeling like I should have gotten the Xtreme3 Fitstyle Refresh razor.


In conclusion dear reader, I implore you to remember that every little thing you choose will shape your life...somehow.


~ZFJ

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Food Champion

Hi readers!

So, today good ole Carl and I stopped by good ole Taco Bell between stops for some gorging. But who is Carl you ask?? Carl is a guy I work with. He's good at his job (he is also an Angel Of Death btw), a self-proclaimed music and movie "snob", a good dude and musician. I like him. Anyway, after a couple appointments we decided it was time to eat. Carl suggested Taco Bell and I agreed, with zero thought necessary, to the prospect of inhaling some extremely tasty beef or chicken "material".

I approach the counter where stood what clearly appeared to be an order-taker/cashier named "Carmen". She waited to assist me in my food ordering experience. (that's the way corporate would brand the ordering process. As an "experience"...sure, ok) ...After placing my order --and being "up-sold" to food items which are probably part of some Taco Bell corporate sales initiative for the current fiscal month-- (Carmen is a good up-seller btw :) ) Anyway, after ordering; having my "experience"; taking control...I triumphantly stepped back from the counter and gazed at my order number --it was "200"-- Then I glanced once again towards the counter and noticed that Carmen's name tag read: "Carmen. Food Champion".

Food Champion??

Again please?!?

Yup. Clearly marked "Food Champion". What the fuck is that exactly??

See, after a spirited chat with Carl about the essence of Taco Bell, where it fits in our respective lives, and what it means to us, followed by a period of reflection and thought, and then a bit of soul-searching, we came to this basic conclusion:

Taco Bell is a place with food items made of incredibly tasty "materials". Those food items are basically constructed by beef, chicken and steak "material" as the foundation. Items such as lettuce, tomatoes, cheese "materials", sour cream, hot/mild sauces, nacho chips and hot peppers, are added/subtracted from various templates of either the beef, chicken or steak "material". Bread items such as crunchy and soft taco shells, tortilla shells and "big" crunchy tortilla shells house, and are integral parts of, the various templates. The food items taste very, very good, however, we are all acutely aware that it is not "healthy" food.

We go there late at night, at lunch on a bad day, at lunch on an exceptionally good day, and when we have given up.

We go there when we are shit-faced, drunk and sloppy, looking to gorge ourselves on various food templates. We want instant gratification, big time. Now.

It's that simple.

But of course, the CEO's, corporate marketing pro's, possibly some upper managers, definitely all the divisional and regional managers, and high-level productivity consulting firm representatives, all gather round to "brand" the company. They want to create a "high-quality" image to the stupid general public for their great tasting food item templates. They want us to feel warm, trusting, satisfied and educated. Educated in our menu and food template choices. We shall be assisted by a certified "Food Champion"; a helping hand; someone who cares. No....no my friend, in their eyes that was no cashier/order-taker I met today. That was a valuable consultant in my diet (let's use the word "diet" loosely here), and my life for today.

See, before engaging in my food ordering "experience" with the Food Champion, I basically pointed at the menu and grunted to designate what food I wanted. To Carmen, it translated to "I'd like a Crunch Wrap Supreme, and two Soft Tacos...". Carmen said "Why don't you get that one?", as she pointed to a picture of a Crunch Wrap Supreme, a Soft Taco AAND A Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

Sold. Educated. Better person because of it --because the Cheesy Gordita Crunch provided WAAAAY more instant gratification that the Soft Taco would have. And Carmen knew it.

Anyway, After a day's worth of thought, I believe I can help the CEO's and their cohorts to create a new, honest and down -n- dirty branding campaign that will shatter all sales numbers from previous quarters. The public, being more informed these days due to the massive information available to us via internet research, isn't buying the "Food Champion" shit. It's just not based in reality at all....Let's start by doing away with the "Food Champion" moniker and instead, let's just call them "Enabler". Or "Dealer". Then we shall do away with all the cute little names of the food templates. We do not care what their name is. We realize that there is very little difference between them. We realize we will like the taste of anything we get.

I propose that we just put a bunch of little red balloons on the wall and have Taco Bell provide darts for us. We will throw them at the little balloons on the wall. When we pop a balloon, there will simply be a number or letter behind the balloon. For example, you may pop a balloon to reveal the letter "X" or the number "32". You even may encounter a combination of letter/number --at participating locations-- for example, "27A". These letters and numbers will designate what your food template will be. You will not know what it is until you are presented with it. You will not care because you realize that the beef, chicken and steak "material" and it's corresponding food items and bread items basically are ALL THE SAME.

You want to gorge.

This branding strategy will comfort us, get us involved, get more of our money, and in the process entertain and delight us! No "Food Champion" necessary. No cute little names for the food templates. Just a fun carnival atmosphere where we get "surprised" by the food we get. We don't worry about that though...because as we all know....

Taco Bell tastes real good.


~ZFJ

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

D.F.W.

Brilliance and clarity often go hand-in-hand.

Hard to imagine brilliance coming along without clarity...

Recently, my administrative team, who by the way is an impeccable research machine in itself. The "team"....anyway, ..recently, my administrative team has been really into David Foster Wallace --again. This is a good thing.

The man was a clear thinker, influential author and flat-out brilliant.

This blog post is only to expose some people to David Foster Wallace, A very smart guy....read more here:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Foster_Wallace

And now, mind-bending products of clear-and-disciplined thoughts --and real deep shit, choice quotes From David Foster Wallace........



"What passes for hip cynical transcendence of sentiment is really some kind of fear of being really human, since to be really human [...] is probably to be unavoidably sentimental and naïve and goo-prone and generally pathetic."


"Literary fiction and poetry are real marginalized right now. There's a fallacy that some of my friends sometimes fall into, the ol' "The audience is stupid. The audience only wants to go this deep. Poor us, we're marginalized because of TV, the great hypnotic blah, blah." You can sit around and have these pity parties for yourself. Of course this is bullshit. If an art form is marginalized it's because it's not speaking to people. One possible reason is that the people it's speaking to have become too stupid to appreciate it. That seems a little easy to me."


"What the really great artists do is they're entirely themselves. They're entirely themselves, they've got their own vision, they have their own way of fracturing reality, and if it's authentic and true, you will feel it in your nerve endings."


"I like the fans’ sound at night. Do you? It’s like somebody big far away goes like: it’sOKit’sOKit’sOKit’sOK, over and over. From very far away."


"You want your art to be hip and seem cool to people, but a great deal of what passes for hip or cool is now highly commercially driven. And some if it is important art. I think 'The Simpsons' is important art. On the other hand, it's also, in my opinion, relentlessly corrosive to the soul and everything is parodied and everything is ridiculous. Maybe I'm old but for my part I can be steeped in about an hour of it and then I have to walk away and look at a flower. If there's something to be talked about, that thing is this weird conflict between what my girlfriend calls the 'inner sap,' the part of us that can really wholeheartedly weep at stuff and the part of us that has to live in a world of smart, jaded, sophisticated people and wants very much to be taken seriously by those people."


"Irony and cynicism were just what the U.S. hypocrisy of the fifties and sixties called for. That’s what made the early postmodernists great artists. The great thing about irony is that it splits things apart, gets up above them so we can see the flaws and hypocrisies and duplicates. The virtuous always triumph? Ward Cleaver is the prototypical fifties father? "Sure." Sarcasm, parody, absurdism and irony are great ways to strip off stuff’s mask and show the unpleasant reality behind it. The problem is that once the rules of art are debunked, and once the unpleasant realities the irony diagnoses are revealed and diagnosed, "then" what do we do? Irony’s useful for debunking illusions, but most of the illusion-debunking in the U.S. has now been done and redone. Once everybody knows that equality of opportunity is bunk and Mike Brady’s bunk and Just Say No is bunk, now what do we do? All we seem to want to do is keep ridiculing the stuff. Postmodern irony and cynicism’s become an end in itself, a measure of hip sophistication and literary savvy. Few artists dare to try to talk about ways of working toward redeeming what’s wrong, because they’ll look sentimental and naive to all the weary ironists. Irony’s gone from liberating to enslaving. There’s some great essay somewhere that has a line about irony being the song of the prisoner who’s come to love his cage."


"It now lately sometimes seemed a black miracle to me that people could actually care deeply about a subject or pursuit, and could go on caring this way for years on end. Could dedicate their entire lives to it. It seemed admirable and at the same time pathetic. We are all dying to give our lives away to something, maybe."


Photobucket

DFW!!!


~ZFJ

Monday, February 13, 2012

Give. Take...take.

SO.

Yeah....this evening I was able to complete a refreshing and invigorating yoga session to the Braveheart movie soundtrack. That's right. During the flowing yoga session, I reflected on a conversation I had moments ago, before the yoga.

I was in jest with a friend of mine who will go unnamed. We were joking around, or at least I thought we were joking, about fun stuff bands do. In particular, a band he is currently a member of. I sincerely think what they're doing is cool and a good time; while being musically entertaining as well. Either way at the completion of the conversation, or, what I thought was the completion of the conversation, he says, "See, I don't view music as a competition."

OK.

It, whether admitted to or not, was directed at me. Context my friends, ...context. It was delivered in a way as to suggest he had A) Recently thought up the concept; the words themselves; the intended target(s). Or B) Someone had recently told that to him and he internalized it. ..It kinda put me back on my heels due to the way it was verbalized, so I said something along the lines of "no shit....I know it's not a competition....wait, are you saying that....etc???" So, basically there was a moment of how-did-this-come-from-out-of-that conversation-??-type of thoughts and responses. From there, he seemed to "buy" my retort and he proceeded to switch gears to someone else that he feels may in fact, be "competing" in music, rather than creating art to the best of their desire and abilities. Someone else who happens to be involved in making music with me....So, it's pretty clear to good ole ZFJ that my good friend's viewpoints about people "competing" in music, had at one point or another landed on my character. Me?? My good friend, who by the way is an excellent musician, was on a pedestal with this viewpoint. Or at least it was delivered that way. Unintentionally, or intentionally.

Not to have my narcissistic personality slighted, I will now go on a bit of a pedestal with my viewpoints. I'll keep it short....no, it'll probably end up long-winded....just skip whole parts if you get tired.

Anyway, I have written a lot of music. I've been able to perform it mostly on my/our terms along the way. I am also blessed to know, have known and to write and play with many great musicians. I have the fulfillment derived from releasing a number of albums I've been part of; Being on other musicians' releases; Memories I helped create...shit, the hard work is and was worth it.....and, that music I helped to create, that I believe in such much....I always want to share it. And I've been able to share it with thousands of people so far. Admittedly, I have graced the lunatic side with regards to promoting my music in the past. Why, numerous times I've sold over a hundred tickets by myself to events I've been part of! Yes readers, that is boasting about lunatic-side promotional efforts. It sucks to harass your friends, families and fans to come out to your show, ten times; a hundred times. I understand this....Point is, if I believe in it, I just want to give it more ,in ways I can give to it....you know?

But I digress....I've been wrapped up with thoughts today, about some things I've experienced since I started doing the booking/promotions at The Elevens (http://musicattheelevens.blogspot.com) See?!? Right there! That's why I get a bad rap. Just. Can't. Help. The...shameless... promotion. Anyway. About the thoughts about things I've been privy to. The thoughts involve some alarmingly consistent patterns, from similar contexts, involving would-be book-ees as well as acts that have been on some show bills.

Now, without further ado, here's the burning topics consuming my brain, from the musical competition portion of my life.

1) Why do out of town bands coming on tours to our area, with minimal credibility, and status-quo music, always ask for sizeable guarantees (a set amount for the performance)?

So I ask back what they can guarantee in draw (people through the door)? They usually get A) Mad. B) Really informative as to why they should get what they want with no idea of who may show up to see them. C) Back way down on their requirements, realizing that the venue is willing to host them, if it's makes sense. So, why can't it make sense for the venue in the first place? Why all the haggling?? If you can, by whatever means, create an event that will do well for you and the venue hosting your event, everybody wins.

Anyway.

2) Why do talented local musical acts, with fresh ideas, sometimes have next to no fans in the room? Lot's of times, actually.


Example: 5 local bands on a bill. Looks promising. They have 35 people in the room. 20 of them are legitimately in the bands, and getting a couple drink tickets each. Again, they had like 15 people there who were not performing. This has nothing to do with their music or them as people. But, well...let's add it up. Let's say the 20 band members individually get 4 friends out to the show. That means there are 80 people in the room. 100 people when you add in the members of the band. At our venue, that would be a very solid draw and would most likely be an exciting environment to perform in. Seems almost amazing that this doesn't happen.

And don't tell me you have less fun when 99 of your friends are reveling in your music with you pal.

Simply, 4 friends come to join in the live performance of music, written and performed to perfection, by their friends. Why not?

So, ...why not?

Why do people get bent out of shape if a show doesn't get booked, or an existing show has to stop because it doesn't do well?? Why can't the venue, who is hosting the event, and therefore incurring operating expenses, be allowed to recoup those expenses?? (more evidence of how I may be "competing" in music --not even pointing that comment at my friend. Ok. Yes I was.) What if the venue was even open to try and make a slight profit while hosting quality entertainment (quality is a relative term)?? Are we getting into the big-mean-corporation angles here? No. We're not. Why can't some people find 4 people to entertain with their music but other people can find hundreds?

Because some people are willing to see both sides of the equation, and they attempt to have it make sense, for everyone. That's why. That's the way to do it folks. In anything you do in your life actually. To see both sides of the equation requires you to get over yourself, put yourself in the other person's shoes, and be objective when you're forming your decisions. But you have to get over yourself first!

Still, the vast majority of people who light up our stage are class acts, fortunately.

Ok. There we go...it had been too long since I spewed out some motivational-speaking-esq drivel about music related stuff. People are so fucking judgemental about things.


~ZFJ

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Beautiful day

Really.

The sky this morning was incredible...there were breaks in the clouds and beams of sunlight blazing down all over the horizon like some alien attack. Of course I thought of an alien attack. Music was good -meaning the ipod contraption that I pass for a sound system decided to work very well. The song selection was solid (friends, picture me saying "the song selection was solid".....thanks.) Thought flowing....Feeling ok.....but lot's going on lately. And then, a confused driver swings from the cruising lane, where it had been trapped behind a lumbering giant of an 18 wheeler, into the passing lane bringing the entire flow of traffic down to to 57 mph. For miles. Nobody could pass. Then, I'm tryin' to go 80 mph in the passing lane but my speed is nowhere close to where the guy behind me thinks it should be. So, I get tired of him ridin' my ass so I pull over to the other lane, but he doesn't fly right past me, as I suspected he might. Nope. Instead, he drove next to my car, rather than passin', and trapping me behind an huge truck. THEN, I almost get sideswiped by a lady in a red....OH fuck this... Blah blah balh alhs, hblah, ...right, I'm going off the tracks here.

The real thing is, what causes this rash of driving behavior through a full day? This evening, the administrative crew and myself discussed the following potential causes. Either it is the "aligning of the stars effect". Or, "the ripple effect" from a small number of drivers who happen to be off their game for whatever reason. They manage to screw many other drivers up through their incredible driving ignorance, causing a massive ripple effect to the roadways. Roadways such as the ever-vile Mass Pike. I think about that daily while dodging death on the Mass Pike. Are there cosmic forces at work that make people who are operating motor vehicles not be good at it? And/or render others intolerant to those who are not good at it?? Or is it the ripple effect from a small number of dullards who create enough hassle to throw off the very flow of vehicles traversing the massive roadway??

Is it both?

Either way, I'm looking forward to not driving to Worcester every day.

Oh and, on the way home I got to add a nice 30 minute out-of-my-way treat to my day because: A 18 fucking wheel trailer truck had flipped over right on the exit to the Mass Pike. All us fools in our folly got routed to the exit for the Mass Pike which goes the opposite way. Upon my unhappy arrival at the next exit, I could tell that this had been going on for awhile. "This" being the emergency crews blocking the other exit to get the ridiculous crash scene cleaned up. There were 100? Maybe 150? Cars, all in gridlock, trying to do various levels of u-turn to go the other way. I finally fight my way through the din to get in the lane, to get back to the direction of the Pike I need. Finally, as I am almost in the desired lane, I was suddenly forced to jump on the brakes as I see a Nissan SUV --with a CT plate, of course--whip a u-turn at the last second, into my lane and right at my car. The vehicle came about two feet from crushin' my drivers side door......is it the stars? The fools?? Something else?

I pass by the toll booth operator on my way to MA 90 West, who very-audibly says to whomever she is talking to on the phone, "these are the smaaaat ones..." --in her stupid Eastern, MA accent-- referencing the people who did not go through the toll booth and pay --like I did-- but instead were pullin' u-turns before the tolls....the "smaat" ones.

So, I also got called stupid. Indirectly.


Whine...whine, whine...whine.



~ZFJ

And now, Jan Terri!!!

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Just tryin' to live...

Hi readers!

I know, I know...tens of thousands of you are wondering where good ole' ZFJ is these days. What can I possibly be up to??? Well, I've been rather busy with livin', workin', typin' words that end with "in'" rather than "ing" and, I'm currently holed up in a hotel learning how to become a better, more efficient Angel of Death. :)

And as we know hotels are a hotbed for various social observations.

Today, right before lunch, we were notified that our lunch area had been moved to "the pit" rather than the normal, expansive dining area. Now understand, "the pit" is still awesome -the hotel is pretty awesome actually- but we still joked about us being relocated due to a group of power-executives who were requesting not to sit in there for their lunch. How could they be "lower" than others while dining??? Anyway, we break for lunch after a rigorous learning session about ant entomology/biology and we proceed to "the pit". Sure enough, standing around "the pit" conversing at high-levels, was the group of power-executives previously referenced by us. Now, many power-executives believe they are actually "better" than other humans -especially those not wearing power-suits while at lunch, and/or those who are talking about insect biology. We had chicken as an option with our lunch and I heard one of the elite power-executives jest to the tune of "what'dya got in there? Some chicken??...ha ha huh.." (readers, that joke is not on our level. It is understood by people who are upper-crust, superior and/or very wealthy. These type of people wipe their asses with freshly prepared chicken breasts while us common-folk actually eat the stuff. Hence why it was a "joke" to their kind. Still "Food" to us though....just clarifying).

I remarked rather audibly, "yeah, how'd you like a punch in the face?". They may have heard me because they moved a good distance away after that. Possibly to not get contaminated by us? Possibly to continue their clever quips about us sub-humans without potential for repercussions? We may never know...

After being released from our intense training, I headed to the hotel's gym (which is basically a weight room with two treadmills, one elliptical machine and one exercise bike). I had a t-shirt on which served to expose my "scary" tattoos and effectively establish me as a rouge. I enter the elevator where two of the power-executives, now in their civilian clothes and not within the protected confines of their uber-intelligent/nasty business cohorts, became "trapped" with me. I witnessed their distaste and uncertainty to being confined in the same elevator as myself. They did not make eye contact with me. They did however make eye contact --repeatedly-- at my tattoos, quickly looking away when they felt I may be noticing. They seemed scared as the cold realization washed over them that, they were trapped in that elevator with an obvious convict. Or derelict? Or even, a murderer??.....oh how they must have regretted their comment about the chicken at lunchtime!! ...Oh how they saw their lives flash before their eyes!!! ...Oh the terror as they realized that all their money, power executive-ness and business influence would not save them if I decided to attack. The attack, in their eyes, would be much like a rabid dog would attack...unprovoked, blood-lusty, wild, stupid and out of control. They must have feared they may never see their families, boats, bank statements, luxury cars, investment statements and mistresses again.

Guys, they're just tattoos. I'm a rather nice guy actually. No sweat....everything will be okay. Just then, the doors of the elevator opened and they rushed out of there like there was a pile of money on the hotel lobby's floor or something!! It must have seemed like the heavens themselves had opened for them when that elevator door opened! Their momentary fear and torment was over....But I'm sure they collected themselves quickly, and proceeded to make clever remarks that power-type-people would make about tattoos, and the "people" who have them ---far from earshot, of course.

Just don't make comments about our lunch again. Got it?


~ZFJ

Monday, January 2, 2012

Remembering, The Beard.

Hi. I was forced to shave my beard. I'll tell you why...


But first, I've got a couple resolutions to share for the new year.

1) I will try to use parmesan cheese on many more things I eat.

2) At some point I will grow the balls and commit to an awesome moustache. And it will be on my face for a minimum of one month when I do commit. Maybe longer?


Ok, so I started a new day-job. It's cool, offers some freedom and I worked there in the past and really liked it. It's a nice environment to get back into. But I did have to shave my beard because of their attack on my personal freedom (i.e. a policy about facial hair they have)....Whatever, I needed a change anyway --as the cool kids, Robbie and Rich, have pointed out quite a bit. And I do what the cool kids want. Anyway, I started today and, after the long morning drive, had to hit the bathroom with some urgency upon arrival.

In the bathroom I was re-acclimated to "Devils Claw". (If you don't know what Devils Claw is, here you go: http://zerofunjohn.blogspot.com/2011/05/devils-claw.html )

It was not fun.

After trudging through a few piles of paperwork, my new manager (who is cool as fuck by the way. Aren't they all in the beginning??) informed me that I am going to have to watch their training video course again. He was somewhat apologetic about this. I soon found out why and after fighting back the tears of boredom, almost went to sleep. But I woke up when I realized that training video role playing skits can easily be translated into porn skits. I had new life and renewed interest breathed into my brain!!! I felt as if I had discovered a secret --all my own-- that could get me through the tedium of these company-wide brainwashing attempts. I was giddy, and attentive. I Loved it! Now tomorrow when I resume my training, instead of hearing:

Attractive Female Customer: "There's a hole in my garage wall and wasps are flying out of it!!.... you didn't even check the garage on your service call last week.....why, my poor husband even got stung a couple times!"

Technician: "I apologize for missing that on my last treatment, I simply forgot to check the garage somehow. Let me see where the problem is and I'll correct it for you." (teaching us accountability)

Going forward I'll hear:

Attractive Female Customer: "Hi there (she moves closer to the unassuming technician -he gasps a little)...I have a problem, I'm just so restless.....after my husband got stung by those wasps you missed last week, he hasn't...let's say , 'been attentive to my needs'. How are you going to fix my problem you big bad technician?? (she looks down at the crotch area)

Technician: "Well ma'am *gulp*, I hate to see a valued --and if I may say, 'HOT'-- customer unsatisfied...I'm pretty sure I have a tool that can help fix your problem ..heh heh (upon his realization that she's coming on to him)...why don't we start the inspection in the bedroom?"

Cue the cheesy drums and techno music. They embrace in furious, unbridled passion. And off they go for the "service call"!!


That's along the lines of what I'll be "learning" tomorrow. As always in the ZFJ Blog, this advice can be applied to many different situations and in many different contexts. However, it works extremely well for company-wide training videos. Feel free to apply this technique if you find yourself trapped in a room, by yourself, with a rather "outdated" VCR....cornered.....with those training videos.



~ZFJ