Friday, February 8, 2013

The News Feed


ZFJ's been busy. But this blizzard has rendered ZFJ un-busy for a few minutes and now, ZFJ will rant...and refer to himself in the third person.

So, by this point, thanks to Facebook and other forms of media, we all know that the Government is launching Drones to spy, arrest, kill, kidnap and who knows whatever else. We know that everything is basically a smoke screen for other underlying agendas to cure financial burdens of the government by squeezing every last dime out of the middle class. We are well aware that every politician is full of shit, and possibly robots. Or at least androids --devoid of emotions at any rate. We know the best comparison for all this is: "Big Oil" vs. "The f*cking middle class". Meaning, yes there's tons of oil (I met an independent contractor working out of North Dakota the other day who proclaimed, "Oh yeah! There's TONS of crude oil....". He hauls the stuff.) Big Oil is making record profits (again, common knowledge at this point), we fucking middle class folks are not making big profits. We are having our backs financially broken, especially at the gas pump. Since most of us don't own oil companies, have lots of stock in them, or other "interests" in them, we're all just making a select few A LOT of money. This money fuels our government (not just THIS money of course), this money runs America in it's attempts to conquer the world!!(again, not just this money, just making a simple fucking comparison here).

But thanks to the News Feed, we ALL know this shit now. And, whatever. Today's topic isn't about all this "bad" shit, it's about me wanting to type some swear words. And it's going to include some valuable lessons on etiquette within Facebook itself. Which, because everything sucks, is so prevalent in our lives right now. We turn to Facebook to nurture the self-image we've sought our whole lives, to voice whatever we feel like on our Facebook page --which are basically our real lives at this point. Indeed Facebook is now a business platform, a social platform, an information is everything. Bwaahaaahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!

Look, I have plenty of conspiracy material to read through, and enough Awkward Band Photos to laugh at on my News Feed, so it kind of gets me pissed when I stop and look at one of my "friends" posts that reads to the effect of: "My only flight options were 5:30 tomorrow morning, or Sunday. I chose 5:30." ....................yes folks, that's the whole post. An update on someone choosing flight times (don't think I didn't catch the subtle blizzard topic intertwined in there). Wow. Who gives a fucking shit???? (Again, buckle up for some swearing)....oh yeah, quick note too, Mick Hubis and I became friends again, on Facebook, of course. To us, that is real friendship. You block someone or un-friend them on Facebook that is real fucking shit man. Anyway, I realize you don't care about my previous statement. But many people don't realize that nobody gives a flying shit about the rigors of their everyday life, what you're cooking, your every thought, and other vague statements that have no point. I'm going to launch some examples of "Bad", "Decent" and "Good" News Feed sightings. All in my fucking dead-on opinion, because I am a Facebook expert. Fucking truth.


"With all this snow will be able to take the boys sledding tomorrow." (Oh WILL you??? That's really awesome...I'm sure I/We needed to know that.)

"Out of work and home! Yay!" (Good for you!! ...has zero effect on our lives and I want to two seconds of my life in which I read that back...and now I want the ten seconds back that I spent typing this....FUCK!!!!!)

"Heading to the gym.....:)" (Oh. My. Fucking. Gawd! I was wondering where you were heading...I'm heading to take a nice, steamy shit. Right, no one needs to know that either.)

"It's snowing." (I'm not sure if there's really anything to report here...)

"Slowest day ever." (un-fucking believable. It's the slowest day "ever". Time is dragging person has endured a slower day ---EVER.)

"Fuck You Montreal!!!!!!!!!!!....Tyler Seguin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!....David Krejci!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...." (Just some Facebook-post outbursts of a couple Boston Bruins players along with some fucking cussing towards the fucking Canadiens. Ok.....yeah.)

"Wicked irritated today." (me anyway.)

"Fixed!" (Yep. That shit is this person's whole fucking post. WTF??? ...terrible.)


"Dairy Queen has Blizzards every day." (almost nice right here...a lil' play-on-words tying in the weather and Dairy Queens mother fucking milk shake.)

"Giving you all fair notice right now. Put up a weather comment tomorrow and I will give you the ride of your life. Don't think I won't have enough time to copy and paste YouTube links for all of you." (this mother fucker ain't playin'. And he's funny/witty enough to actually fuck your page up with spot-on YouTube videos. MORE than decent post right here...)

"Glad to see the malls are closing early. Both the Holyoke Mall & the Eastfield Mall are closing at 5 and not opening until noon on Saturday! Even though Jeff had to go in at least he'll be home a little earlier! Everyone stay safe if you have to travel this afternoon & evening!" (I love this, but it's only decent. We get updates on mall closings, an update on Jeff's work schedule, and a recommendation to "Stay safe" --fantastic!!)


"They call me 'coffee trousers'. Mostly because, I just spilled coffee all over my trousers." (I literally did spit up a bit of my morning coffee reading this one. It's got sarcasm, slapstick humor in the wording, and is just funny. It "gives" a moment of pleasure to the Facebook friends. Thank you)

"Let’s just grant the possibility that there is a creator god, who’s omniscient, who occasionally authors books. And he’s gonna give us a book - the most useful book. He’s a loving god, he’s a compassionate god, and he’s gonna give us a guide to life. He’s got a scribe, the scribe’s gonna write it down. What’s gonna be in that book? I mean just think of how good a book would be if it were authored by an omniscient deity. I mean, there is not a single line in the Bible or the Koran that could not have been authored by a goat herder in the Iron Age. There is not one reference to anything - there are pages and pages about how to sacrifice animals, and keep slaves, and who to kill and why. There’s nothing about electricity, there’s nothing about DNA, there’s nothing about infectious disease, the principles of infectious disease, mathematics, space travel, the Internet, it never mentions planes,cars, bombs or guns. There’s nothing particularly useful, and there’s a lot of iron age barbarism in there, and superstition. These are not candidate books." (Now, I'm not in the business of questioning gods and religious books. But my new Facebook friend is --I'm not kidding, I'm digging this guys wit and insight right now--this post is normalcy-bias-busting, thought-provoking and strong. That's how you fill up a News Feed suckas!)

So, the fucking moral of this shitty post? I like swearing. And please consider other fucking people and if they would give a fucking shit about what you decide to post. Because it's cluttering up my News Feed from Awkward Band Photos and Conspiracy Watch. Dammit.

I hope we can improve the way we consider other people on Facebook going forward, I hope we can learn from this valuable guide on the legendary "ZFJ Blog", and I'm going to keep doing this shit until we as a society (meaning the real-world society we live in called "Facebook") learn to enhance each others lives rather than just always thinking about our fucking selves. All future posts with similar content will also have a ton of swears in them.

Thank you.


Tuesday, December 11, 2012

If ya ain't first, yer last.

Hi folks!

Here's hoping that you're well and you're enjoying the holiday season so far.

Ok, on with it!

Today, I observed a light-blue colored Nissan Altima that had parked in the Northampton Wellness parking lot, diagonally. Taking up two full parking spaces. Of course, the vehicle also boasted Connecticut license plates. This kind of thing has always amused me because it is so telling about the driver. It tells things like,

"I'm so bold and hard-charging that I'll brazenly take up two parking spaces so that other drivers --obviously inferior to me-- won't have a chance to even hit my amazing car." As if your light-blue colored Altima is really that much at risk???.

This car was a Nissan Altima folks. A car that thousands of people drive. Not even a Maxima! Just a plain ole Altima that nobody would give a fuck about! Not a Bentley...not a Mercedes...not a Cadillac etc....just a normal ole Altima. Anyway...

It's tells things like, "I'm so smart and proactive in my ego-driven wisdom that I'll make the decisions for you. Since I'm so much better at life, driving --and parking-- I won't even give you sub-humans a chance to hit my beautiful car"

It tells things like, "I know you'll be staring at my car --as you would be me, if I was standing here--, and thus, you will most likely hit my wonderful car in your confused, and now lustful, state of mind. Simply because I own it. And am better than you."

It tells things like, "I'm the kind of person who thinks the world revolves around me. Why, even my plain and simple Nissan Altima is a target for people like yourself who are not as great as me."

It tells things like, "I'm so impressed with my life, and possessions, including this ultra-normal Nissan Altima, that you surely must be impressed too. Let me make sure you don't hit my car because, unlike myself, sub-humans like you do not posses adequate hand-eye coordination to avoid it."

It tells things like, "Me! Me! Me!!"

It tells things like, "I'm a fucking douchebag."

I also observed a Dodge Charger re-issue car parked diagonally in the Stop & Shop parking lot. This car had a Texas plate, and seemed actually bad-ass. I figured I'd mention it here, but not trash the diagonally-parked driver. Because it looked good parked that way and the driver is probably also bad-ass.

Cheers! Happy fucking holidays!! :) Please don't fucking park as if you're so fucking special...thanks!


Thursday, October 25, 2012

I was only in it for the fashion

Hello readers.

I remember when I was a na├»ve young teenager and I thought “I wonder how these retail clothing stores know in advance what we’re all going to want to wear?? How do they know which fashions to invest in??...” Then, I realized that they tell us which fashions we want, and “need”. through various media and social platforms. Boy did I feel Stupid…stupid….stupid….stupid….stupid.


And the Presidential Election Race isn’t much different.

Yesiree folks. It’s a silly, silly time of the year as we watch, read, scrutinize and learn about the Presidential Candidates: Gov. Mitt Romney & Pres. Barack Obama. We analyze “facts” and details as we decide who will garner our valuable vote. But the best part is the “smear” commercials that attack their opponents life, their choices, their allegiances and any/all factors that could potentially sway votes away from their opponent and to their side. (I LOVE these by the way, absolutely hilarious) Nothing is out-of-bounds in the giant-scale popularity contest known as: The Presidential Election Race!

We Americans enjoy televised, spirited and polished debates, that mainly consist of question-dodging, finger pointing, and references to various studies and charts and research and other things. All designed to back up the claims of each particular candidate. Yep, grown men and statesmen reduced to finger-pointing “little boys” complete with accusations of incompetence, accusations of “not being able to provide details about proposed economic and social “plans”, and every other imaginable “dig”. My favorites are the assertive/hollow speeches about taking care of the “Middle Class” (this is so “token” that it makes my head spin) . The massive overall effort to paint the other candidate as an evil, lying, cheating, agenda-pushing, full-of-shit-politician just trying to get elected for every other reason other than to lead America to prosperity (which is most likely true) is fascinating. I mean, just to wrap my brain around the giant machine of money, people, media and any/all other resources that are involved in helping a candidate get elected is a daunting task. From researchers, pundits, media people, “experts” and lobbyists, to the “grassroots” army of promotion for each candidate, the campaign trail is just astounding to think about. I mean, it can’t be easy to dig up that many dirty facts about a person to use in TV commercials?? It can’t be easy (or inexpensive) to find the “right” propaganda teams to spin things to the public??

It takes real work (and real dollars) to create the impression that a presidential candidate is a true leader, an effective decision-maker, a real “answer” for America’s troubles. What fun!

Now, here’s my new genius-level idea.

We go and revise the Presidential Election Race from it’s current format, to the well-received and very familiar format that all us Americans have grown to love so dearly:


This would rule.

Think about it, we all know it’s bullshit and rhetoric just get votes anyway, the Presidential Election Race that is. We know that whoever gets elected will end up as an effective agenda-pushing, palm-greasing, big money person of influence --with the "middle class" not really getting all too much of the benefit... So why not make this inevitability more enjoyable for Americans? Give us some “real” criteria to make our decision??

Here’s an example of why this would rule: We all remember Daisy of Love, right? ( ) The reality TV show starring Daisy De La Hoya, the runner-up of the VH1 reality dating show “Rock of Love 2” ( ) featuring Bret Michaels, of Poison fame –-I watched every episode.

Here’s the basic run-down. Daisy, a bodacious, buxom-blonde-bimbo, was the star of a TV show aimed at helping her find “true love”. Daisy was also making an album of her music. She was already a noteworthy TV commodity from her stint on Bret Michaels show so, why not? They gave her a show that would help her (the record company) put out her album (meaning, yes it sucks...of course it does!! But since she is a guaranteed sell-able commodity, and with guaranteed ROI, there was little risk involved...why not cash in from a reality TV show at the same time???) --Anyway, the show featured a gaggle of juiced-up, testosterone fueled, fame-seeking douche bag male contestants, also seeking “true love”. The male contestants would be faced with contests, trials and various other tasks and challenges that would ultimately prove who would be Daisy’s “true love”. And there was plenty of behind-the-scenes juicy footage to satisfy even the most insatiable lust. Daisy did find "true love", and more importantly, she got a ton of exposure for her album. Seems logical enough?

So, why not have the Presidential candidates duke it out in a reality TV show too? We’ll set them up in a hot-ass mansion, set up challenges, situations and hidden cameras to hear their “real” thoughts about shit. The cameras will be perpetually rolling for behind-the-scenes, ultra-candid material. C’mon, enough of the stuffy debates and smear tactics. I think just getting these men together in a reality TV situation where they lower their prefabricated defenses and images, could be just the thing to get more Americans to respond with votes.

Like for example, on one episode Joe Biden and Paul Ryan head out to party at a local nightclub after a hot debate. They get trashed and Joe Biden’s general distaste for Paul Ryan (as observed in the actual Vice Presidential debate) reaches a boiling point. Biden attacks Ryan as he is hitting on some “bitches” with a flurry of wild and passionate punches and kicks. Ryan, who is too hammered to feel the pain, just laughs uncontrollably as his “bitches” look on in astonished amazement. Biden ends up banging two of them that night (observed by the night-vision cameras placed in each room).

Or, in an early episode, Romney and Obama decide to settle a random, escalating, meaningless, and well-documented argument(cameras always rolling…never forget) on the mansion’s basketball court. The battle is surprisingly close as Romney has the height advantage and has cast his entire soul into beating Obama. But the match ends with an Obama dunk over Romney, complete with nuts dangling on Romney’s defeated/surprised face. This propels Romney to claim that he lost only because Obama is “black”. And this is the shit we really want to know about these candidates!

Or perhaps, for rainy days, the candidates meet with their “Propaganda Ministers” for an "S.B.C Session" (Stands for "Smear. Bullshit. Conquer {session} Propaganda Ministers are just one of the many auxiliary-type characters to be appearing in this show with each candidate. There will also be “Enforcers”, “Money Men”, “Special Agents”, “Bitches”, and “Cleaner-uppers” among others. (Don't kid yourself, every politician has all these people on hand in real life anyway.) We will get to see new smear campaigns developed right before our eyes! The best, most convincing and most funny smear campaigns will win “points”, which will help to further each candidate’s chances of election. There will be online voting for America for that, hopefully.

Of course, we will be privy to plenty random “behind-the-scenes” footage from the mansion. Like, Biden, Ryan, Obama and Romney are sitting around getting trashed in the kitchen of the mansion, with various “bitches” and auxiliary players milling bout. Biden will drunkenly apologize to Ryan for whipping his ass with shit like, "My bad 'Paulie-Paul'....*burp*....It's all in fun, eh? Right?? ...*hiccup*, fuck...shit. I love ya Paul...yo my boy blue! ...", and Ryan will say something to the effect of “Shut the fuck up you drunken old man. I didn’t even feel that shit…” causing the two Presidential candidates to blow up, spitting their drinks in the process, in laughter. Ryan cracks a smile of accomplishment as he feels he “got” Biden. Next thing we see is Biden’s fist smashing into Ryan’s cheek, then face (repeatedly), then rib cage, then…oh you get it. He fucks Paul Ryan up. (Ryan, when directly asked at a later point, "is Biden just plain tougher than you?", manages to not answer the question at all. Instead he dances around the topic of “toughness” and if it really means anything in a man’s life…etc. Ah would simply be an amazing Presidential Election Race in this format, in my opinion.

See friends, I approach the upcoming Presidential Election with disdain, knowing the fact that I think they’re both full of shit, and so will be the next batch of candidates. It’s kind of always been like this. But, thanks to the information stream in the “Communication Age” we are currently alive in, we’re all just more knowledgeable and informed. Not like the naive people we may have been in another life.