Food Champion

Hi readers!

So, today good ole Carl and I stopped by good ole Taco Bell between stops for some gorging. But who is Carl you ask?? Carl is a guy I work with. He's good at his job (he is also an Angel Of Death btw), a self-proclaimed music and movie "snob", a good dude and musician. I like him. Anyway, after a couple appointments we decided it was time to eat. Carl suggested Taco Bell and I agreed, with zero thought necessary, to the prospect of inhaling some extremely tasty beef or chicken "material".

I approach the counter where stood what clearly appeared to be an order-taker/cashier named "Carmen". She waited to assist me in my food ordering experience. (that's the way corporate would brand the ordering process. As an "experience"...sure, ok) ...After placing my order --and being "up-sold" to food items which are probably part of some Taco Bell corporate sales initiative for the current fiscal month-- (Carmen is a good up-seller btw :) ) Anyway, after ordering; having my "experience"; taking control...I triumphantly stepped back from the counter and gazed at my order number --it was "200"-- Then I glanced once again towards the counter and noticed that Carmen's name tag read: "Carmen. Food Champion".

Food Champion??

Again please?!?

Yup. Clearly marked "Food Champion". What the fuck is that exactly??

See, after a spirited chat with Carl about the essence of Taco Bell, where it fits in our respective lives, and what it means to us, followed by a period of reflection and thought, and then a bit of soul-searching, we came to this basic conclusion:

Taco Bell is a place with food items made of incredibly tasty "materials". Those food items are basically constructed by beef, chicken and steak "material" as the foundation. Items such as lettuce, tomatoes, cheese "materials", sour cream, hot/mild sauces, nacho chips and hot peppers, are added/subtracted from various templates of either the beef, chicken or steak "material". Bread items such as crunchy and soft taco shells, tortilla shells and "big" crunchy tortilla shells house, and are integral parts of, the various templates. The food items taste very, very good, however, we are all acutely aware that it is not "healthy" food.

We go there late at night, at lunch on a bad day, at lunch on an exceptionally good day, and when we have given up.

We go there when we are shit-faced, drunk and sloppy, looking to gorge ourselves on various food templates. We want instant gratification, big time. Now.

It's that simple.

But of course, the CEO's, corporate marketing pro's, possibly some upper managers, definitely all the divisional and regional managers, and high-level productivity consulting firm representatives, all gather round to "brand" the company. They want to create a "high-quality" image to the stupid general public for their great tasting food item templates. They want us to feel warm, trusting, satisfied and educated. Educated in our menu and food template choices. We shall be assisted by a certified "Food Champion"; a helping hand; someone who cares. No....no my friend, in their eyes that was no cashier/order-taker I met today. That was a valuable consultant in my diet (let's use the word "diet" loosely here), and my life for today.

See, before engaging in my food ordering "experience" with the Food Champion, I basically pointed at the menu and grunted to designate what food I wanted. To Carmen, it translated to "I'd like a Crunch Wrap Supreme, and two Soft Tacos...". Carmen said "Why don't you get that one?", as she pointed to a picture of a Crunch Wrap Supreme, a Soft Taco AAND A Cheesy Gordita Crunch.

Sold. Educated. Better person because of it --because the Cheesy Gordita Crunch provided WAAAAY more instant gratification that the Soft Taco would have. And Carmen knew it.

Anyway, After a day's worth of thought, I believe I can help the CEO's and their cohorts to create a new, honest and down -n- dirty branding campaign that will shatter all sales numbers from previous quarters. The public, being more informed these days due to the massive information available to us via internet research, isn't buying the "Food Champion" shit. It's just not based in reality at all....Let's start by doing away with the "Food Champion" moniker and instead, let's just call them "Enabler". Or "Dealer". Then we shall do away with all the cute little names of the food templates. We do not care what their name is. We realize that there is very little difference between them. We realize we will like the taste of anything we get.

I propose that we just put a bunch of little red balloons on the wall and have Taco Bell provide darts for us. We will throw them at the little balloons on the wall. When we pop a balloon, there will simply be a number or letter behind the balloon. For example, you may pop a balloon to reveal the letter "X" or the number "32". You even may encounter a combination of letter/number --at participating locations-- for example, "27A". These letters and numbers will designate what your food template will be. You will not know what it is until you are presented with it. You will not care because you realize that the beef, chicken and steak "material" and it's corresponding food items and bread items basically are ALL THE SAME.

You want to gorge.

This branding strategy will comfort us, get us involved, get more of our money, and in the process entertain and delight us! No "Food Champion" necessary. No cute little names for the food templates. Just a fun carnival atmosphere where we get "surprised" by the food we get. We don't worry about that though...because as we all know....

Taco Bell tastes real good.


~ZFJ