My first taste of war, instant gratification and I don't remember the world

Friends, I’m sorry I missed “Pi Day”, the weekend just wore me out. Check out http://handmademonstertime.blogspot.com
for Mia & Jenni's Monsters.


The preparation that goes into making a record is intense and this past weekend, I knew I had to prepare for more than just drum tracking. Let me take you back in time for a moment first…to a time when things were different, a time when it all began...

Back at Zeuss’s recording studio some time ago, I witnessed the real life work of a man known as Dance King, or Anthony Minalga –if you will. I remember that day like it was yesterday. We were tracking drums and Anthony was in the control room with us between takes. I was sitting on the couch listening and we all were having a good time, talking, relaxing…but one of us was scheming. I was in the middle of conversation with Zeuss and kind of took notice of Anthony moving a chair in to position near the side of the couch, to sit I thought? He mumbled to himself as he stood up on the chair…something about having to check the Acoustic Panel that was on the wall above my head. I did have a quick thought as to why HE needed to check that panel? I turn around to the reality of an ass in my face and heard unsavory slap-cracking of a huge fart in my face. I exploded off the couch, hit the floor and checked my forehead a couple times for blood. This was to be my first taste of war. He “ripped” on me two more times that day and has also attempted/accomplished this hundreds more times in the various musical endeavors we’re both involved in. The preparation that goes into farting on an unsuspecting victim’s face is intense.

I was attacked again on Saturday. He got me even though I had prepared to defend this. Now dear readers, I just wanted to get really good drum tracks and live my life a little bit on this studio day and I was really focused on helping to kick the forthcoming Swillmerchants record off to a good start. Dance King just wanted to fart in my face. And he accomplished his mission even though I waited, on guard, all day. It happened around 4:42 PM. I had set a chair up in the middle of the floor and was listening to a recent drum take. He started walking around the room –almost pacing- and with a laser focused look in his eye –as if his life suddenly had meaning all at once. He tried to swoop in a couple times but I fended off the advances with well placed karate kicks. I judged the intensity of the attacks to be decoys…More lurking around my position transpired…I see him go down stairs and I say to Rich and Rob (the “cool” kids), “ I know exactly what he’s doing. He’s going downstairs, doing yoga and bends and shit to try and brew up a huge fart for me.” *laughter* I turn as if in a dream, to see Dance King running towards my position like a soldier about to dive on top of a grenade threatening his comrades…he side-stepped my defense, leaped in the air and flew towards my face sideways, I swear he was glowing…and as he flew by my face I heard: “craaack-a-slap-craaaack-ffstpppubble-slap/slap/slap-craaaack-…foof..slap!!!.”. How could this have happened –AGAIN??? All I did was visualize how he would never get me with this today. I trained and studied. I even used “The Secret” to visualize positive results. Why, most of my very soul went into preparing my mind and spirit to defend this but in the end, I couldn’t save the day. At least we did get some awesome drum tracks done. I did also fart on him three times and he hasn’t returned any of my texts since Saturday.

Readers, my point of all this, other than to expose yet another psychopathic lunatic in our midst, is to highlight that we all love instant gratification and we all have our own definitions of it. Uncomplicated laughs delivered via the fart, the burp, the slip, the slap, the hard fall, the vomit and the trip are my preference. See, I helped others to a good time when Anthony pulled his attack in the studio. He in turn was made a “good time” of when he was farted on.

One day my friend Dru and I were having beers with Rich before we all went out. I’m on the couch and Dru comes up with a “competition” for me. He says, “Hey, try to catch all three of these bottle caps. I bet you can’t do it.” I’m thinking of how easily I will be able to do this because of my coordination and natural athletic ability but he had other thoughts. “I’ll show him” I think to myself and then say…”oh yeah??? Throw them.” He does. I lunge for the bottle caps but my inertia is harshly interrupted by Dru’s ass. My face rendezvous-ed with it conveniently just at the moment he ripped a loud slappy fart. Coincidence? No. Instant gratification for him and others watching this display? Yes.

In continuing, why does your friend try to trip you when you walk by? Because, if you fall, he and other people will laugh hard so why not at least try? Instant Gratification for him if it works. If your friend falls down your stairs this Winter and you revel in it still to this day? Instant Gratification for me. Because it just plain feels good to have fun at someone else’s expense (right Mick? :) ). Instant Gratification.

When your manager at the Pizza place where you work, who’s a ball buster and thinks he’s all hard working and shit, comes charging real fast around the corner one day onto the freshly mopped floor of the grinder prep area, slipping violently and falling hard with a “SLAP!” on to the unforgiving floor and in the process spills the pizza sauce. Red faced, confused and, pissed he tries to get up, too hastily… he slips again, begins to lose composure and goes ballistic with swears and unfocused rage. You’re around the corner holding in a belly laugh –Instant Gratification.

When the assistant manager is pissed at the Fry-O-Lator cook and begins to verbally assault the employee with commandments and over-authoritive-chewing-out in red-faced frustration for the cook’s lack of performance and lack of dedication, another employee sets up a chair behind the manager, calls the manager’s name and, as the manager turns around, the employee plants a sharp, crackling fart on him. Instant Gratification!

When a singer is immersed in a mix and leaning forward towards the mixing board, the mischievous guitarist sets up a chair behind him…the singer remains in total concentration…guitarist climbs on the chair and pulls down his trousers, bends over aiming his bare ass towards the back of the singers head and says “Hey Keith”, singer turns around quickly in his chair with his face literally landing in the guitarists' ass crack to enjoy a slapper. Instant gratification.

When a bass player gets a little too cocky in rehearsal because he knows a song so well, “I will play it with my eyes closed” he says. The bass player does indeed rock the song with his eyes closed. However, the clever guitarist knew how to bring this bass player down to Earth. He took initiative and climbed up on a nearby amp, pulled his dick out and was putting it almost on the bass player’s shoulder while he rocked the song-with his eyes closed. The bass player never knew this was happening but the rest of the band did. Instant gratification –for them.

Muscle bound menace strutting around in the gym when he stumbles on the part of the floor that inclines a little. He jerks around quickly as if to 1) Kick the ass of the twerp who tripped him and/or 2) Let the floor know it will get it’s ass kicked if it tries that shit again. Instant gratification.

When a guitarist is sitting in a booth at Packards, three to a side, and then he stands up to point his ass towards the other guitarist’ face to slap out a loud fart causing the victim to flail back in his seat a bit and the rest of the table to explode with laughter. Instant Gratification. Meanwhile, at the end of the table, the leprechaun danced and spoke of Star Wars love beads in a strange accent??? (really happened and that’s the only reason it was mentioned). The recent victim sits, with a glare of contempt, no, ...Hatred toward the other guitarist. He swivels quickly, raises his clenched fist and smashes down on his assailants' shoulder with the look of a man who was forced to kill or be killed on the battlefield. When someone gets farted on, that is hilarious already. When the victim flips their lid, losing their composure resulting in physical, primal and convincing violence on the assailant, now that is sidesplitting. (Thanks Matt & Rob). Instant Gratification.

I do have plans to make all this into a documentary someday called “Instant Gratification”. Additional ideas for fart "set-ups" are appreciated. As for the time you just spent out of your life reading this, unfortunately you can never get it back.

~ZFJ