The CT Conspiracy and the New Era

Hello readers. It’s been a hectic and crazy week full of realizations and that kind of shit but I just had to write to you about something I realized just this morning. Now, those who know good ole ZFJ know that I have a bit of “distaste” for the way people drive at times. I think the way people drive is a reflection of the way they live. I understand that people will just be inconsiderate, confused, flustered, going fast, going slow and whatever else on the road and that I just have to deal with it. I of course, am an electrifying driver who looks out for the other guy and follows my mothers sage advice of; “Just pretend that the other person does not know what they’re doing”. This has saved my life many times –including this morning.

This morning while driving down King St. in Northampton, I realized that this “wild” theory that I have been compelled to develop is actually true: Connecticut drivers are out to get me. This theory developed over time through what I percieved as coincidence, a very consistent coincidence albeit, but too consistent too ignore. This morning proved without a shadow of a doubt that my car has a “target” on it, invisible to me, but one that CT drivers attack with zeal. The first attack came from a Dunkin Donuts parking lot. I was driving down the road, heavy rain pouring–which leads to even more confusion and indecision with most drivers as it is, listening to “Sea Of Madness” by Iron Maiden and I see a Nissan Maxima lying in wait for me. There were no other cars in the immediate vicinity but as I approach and got literally 10 feet from this vehicle, it pulls out, slowly...methodically?, cutting me off and causing me to hit the brakes assertively and swerve a bit. Naturally, my skill level prevented any altercations but as I composed myself, I looked at the license plate to see: it was a CT driver. After cutting me off, the driver proceeded to go down King St at 15 MPH in an nearly successful attempt to strip me of my sanity. I did rise above this trauma and tried to put it behind me.

The next attack came from a late model Maroon Minivan on Interstate 91 South. I spent a bit of time in the passing lane due to the invalids driving like shit in the cruising lane and me wanting to go a bit faster. I’m going around 77 MPH and listening to “Wild Side” by Motley Crue and this minivan is aggressively driving on my tail and almost in my trunk with erratic urgency in it’s movements. 77 MPH is just not fast enough for entitled/important people. I got annoyed and moved to the invalid lane only to glance ahead and see: CT Plates on the minivan. Rather than give chase and investigate these "coincidences" I just let the lunatic proceed down the highway and watched as it pulled similar tactics to other drivers in the passing lane. I chocked it up to, just a complete asshole who happens to drive like a fucking inconsiderate piece of shit, who also happens to reside in CT. However, the next attack would confirm my darkest nightmares.

I pulled off the highway in Holyoke into the ridiculous line of traffic, waiting like war-time refugees in line for food rations, to begin the process of "turning left onto Whitney Ave". I’m listening to “Sub-Zero Fun” by Autolux and enjoying it while reflecting on the recent attempts on my life by the two CT drivers when I see a white Toyota Venza (a car I like quite a bit) veering into my lane from the other direction. My heart jumped as this car literally missed the side of my car by maybe 2-3 feet (in the car that seems like 2-3 inches!)and I saw the white/blue-ish CT license plate like teeth as it barreled towards my position. After running through my entire swear repertoire and making up some new ones, I calmed down and shuddered with fear. Why are the drivers from the state of CT after me??? What could I have done to earn their hatred?? Is it all of the residents of this state or just a very organized group of them who are determined to take me out??? Again, why?? Even still, one of their members consistently attacks my Facebook page with Anita Baker videos and other propaganda to taint my good name and sanity (he currently has the #1 ranking on the post of UPDATED: CBR-STR Rankings). I have no answers but only this question: “Why do Connecticut drivers drive so horribly and why have they targeted my life?”

In other news, Swillmerchants are finally hitting the studio to begin tracking drums for our forthcoming album. The writing so far has been very open and collaborative and feels of personal “evolutions” as the members of the band have really been at crossroads in life with relatively big changes going on. Still, we create our music and I can feel that it is truly reflective of where our lives are "at" and going, making me confident that it is “real”. Wednesday we got together and rehearsed the four songs that we will start with and I just feel so optimisitc and confident about what we are embarking on. This record should be “special” so, wish us luck -or bad luck (as I’m sure some of you will :) )as we “begin”. I’m sure I’ll write about the recording of the record soon but in the meantime, here’s some shameless promotion of us via YouTube video. It’s a fan video with rather explosive/distorted audio at times but still gets the point across!

Cheers.

~ZFJ