Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Sniper. The Equalizer. The Hot Topics.

Hi there.

It’s been a bit o’ time since I’ve written for you as I have been consumed with product development and other pressing matters. For my talented and intelligent readers, I just had to take some time and share important information I’ve learned that will surely enhance your summer time experience. This post can be considered “life-changing” and informative, in many ways. Here you go and, you’re welcome!

The Equalizer. Many of you lucky and fortunate readers have been briefed on this already via my recent Facebook post but I must share it with you in detail because 1) I’m going to get rich off this idea and 2) you may just need to use it sometime. The Equalizer is a method and forthcoming product that is designed to destroy horrible Fruit Flies. These lil’ bastards are just plain tough and diligent and have brought many a good soul to the point of exasperation and even suicide through their refined annoyance tactics and general awful-ness. Here’s how to level the playing field:

Take a decent sized bowl and fill it with maple syrup. Put a banana peel in there to for compelling “scent” reasons. Cover the bowl with clingy Saran Wrap type stuff and make sure that it is secured tightly. Now, you’ll want to poke small, pen tip size holes in the plastic wrap…maybe 10-15 of them, not too close together and then place The Equalizer in a smart area.

Here’s the magic: The lil’ bastards are only guided by their sense of smell and in their lust for fruit, they fly into the holes to get at the luscious banana peel inside! Once inside, the little fools cannot smell their way out due to the scent of the banana, the plastic wrap cover and the now very limited “outside” scents (also due to the plastic wrap cover)!!!…bwaaa hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!! You can sit back and watch the feeding/death frenzy as the threat of extreme annoyance is methodically eradicated from your living areas!!! I will share the patent for this forthcoming product with Matt Silberstein as he helped in its development. Be on the lookout for the infomercial in the near future. Cha-ching!!

The Sniper. Readers, I am giddy with excitement to tell you about my latest invention! As we know, mosquitoes are a vile, consistent problem in the summer and are among the worst things on this earth in general. I haven’t met a person or animal who likes to get harassed, bit and itchy from their need to suck our blood. We all just want to live our lives in the nice weather and grill, hike, party, sit, relax, converse etc…but they will come for us.

And they come in droves.

While avoiding them on “their turf” (i.e. Outdoors) is virtually impossible, I have developed a method for control in “our turf” (i.e. Indoors). First, take a washcloth which will have relative good weight to it when damp. Roll it up into a ball. Go out and locate mosquitoes and other nuisance flying insects that may be lying in wait for you on your ceiling or walls. Aim. Throw the balled-up damp washcloth at them with a straight-line snap motion. Problem solved!

I battled mosquitoes, a couple of flies and other stupid insects last night because I left my back door open for a few minutes looking for my dog in the back yard. Needless to say, by the time I had finished, the house was mosquito/flying insect free. I will be getting filthy rich from this idea and I’ll need some product development experts to help design the ideal cloth to be sold via TV infomercial! Lessons on the proper throwing motion will begin soon! Contact me asap to schedule. Lesson cost will be $20.00 per hour.

In other exciting news, my band and a few other bands are throwing a party this Friday night @ Maximum Capacity in Chicopee, MA! Called The School Dance Music Showcase and packed full of awesome-ness, you really should know about it. Here’s the link for more info:!/event.php?eid=103151253111858

Happy Summer!


Friday, June 10, 2011

The Ironic Journey

So, about a year ago Rich and I hit a friend's tag sale while busy wasting some time on a Saturday. We came upon many cool items there such as a black wig (which I own), a sheepskin-ish looking western vest, plenty of cheap sunglasses and more. However, none of these prizes were more special than the pack of meat stickers I found. Yes reader, stickers that are pictures of meat. We saw the ironic value of these instantly and immediately launched into detailed and elaborate plans for deploying these stickers in order to get some additional kicks.

So naturally the plan we decided on involved placing these meat stickers on various belongings of Matt Silbersteins, a friend, a musician, a legendary vegetarian and now, a power-vegan. We envisioned how he would freak out and be surprised when he came across one of them and how he would marvel at our clever-ness. Keeping the super-ironic fact that the stickers were PICTURES OF MEAT fresh in our minds, we set off to make it happen. I positioned four of these stickers back then and only two have been discovered. The first discovery was the one I put on his guitar case which was a picture of a de-feathered chicken ready to be cooked. He found it but didn't seem to enjoy the irony as much as we did. The second placement however, was special. This meat sticker --which is a picture of a nice ham steak to the best of my knowledge-- has taken on a beautiful life of it's own in our little, ironic world.

The ham steak meat sticker was placed on a liquor bottle of DiSaronno that for some reason was stationed in his bedroom. It was discovered almost a year later. Here's how it re-entered my life: I woke one morning, groggy as hell --like usual-- and I stumbled into the kitchen to make coffee. I glanced at the clock to see the time (why else would I look at the clock?) but I couldn't quite make out the hands of the clock. I momentarily accepted that this was caused by my grogginess. Undaunted, I glanced again. I still could not make out the time so I focus a bit more on the clock, now squinting and rubbing my eyes for clarity. Still I could not see the time. Annoyed, I approach the clock to find the answer to this. Well readers, I couldn't see the time because someone had PLACED THE MEAT STICKER ON THE CLOCK!!!


I was excited to realize that Matt had finally been confronted by the sticker on the Disaronno bottle and that the meat sticker was back in my life after such a long hiatus. Obviously I had to re-position the sticker from here. I removed it from the clock and cleverly placed it on the back of Matts "Key-Tar" (for those who don't know, a Key-tar is a keyboard you hold and play like a guitar...a rather ironic instrument itself these days). I return home later and see the Key-tar is moved and my mind starts racing...I examine the back of it but THE MEAT STICKER IS GONE!!!! Where could it be? Was all of this just an extremely pleasant dream??? Did Matt find the new location already??? The moves this little sticker was making were astonishing to me!

I approach Matt with all the applicable realizations and confessions surrounding the exploits of the meat sticker. I explained how we had this whole thing planned from last year and that I was amazed at how he flipped the script on me by placing the sticker on the clock, causing me mometary and additional grief in the wee and despicable hours of the morning. I told him that I re-flipped things when I placed it on his Key-tar but during the course of the conversation I realized, something was missing. That something was THE MEAT STICKER itself!!

I vigorously interrogate Matt as to it's new whereabouts because I can tell that he knows something. He put me through a series of guesses, quizzes and even a game of "you're getting hotter/colder" until I finally discovered that Matt had pulled an unprecidented move and placed the meat sticker on Bobby D's guitar!!! The joy that washed over me hearing this news was intense! This sticker was already enhancing three people's lives and now it gets the chance to help another??? Awesome!

Well, Bobby gets to rehearsal a few days later --not in the best of moods I might add-- and he removes his guitar from it's case. He doesn't notice me taking video of this whole process or Rich and I biting our tongues in order to not break out in premature laughter. He discovers the meat sticker and seems to appreciate it despite his bad mood. Bobby, Rich, Anthony, the meat sticker and I all shared a good chuckle from there and Bobby's mood even got a little better. We then proceeded to shred our music in rehearsal and all of us were a bit happier with the meat sticker involved. Thank you meat sticker!

The meat sticker has even traveled to Brooklyn for our recent show at The Trash Bar. It made an appearance and turned some heads due to it's ironic nature. It contributed to a good set of music and good times, mingled with new friends and basically rocked the whole night away. I believe it's next appearance will be at Maximum Capacity for our concert on June 24th -unless it has other committments by that time.

I know you have one question remaining, "Where are the other two meat stickers that you placed last year ZFJ??" Well dear readers, those have yet to be discovered....AAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!


Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Today. I believed.

Today. I believed.

Like all of you, I really doubt the credibility of the majority of pan-handlers that work the medians around shopping malls, major intersections and most other well trafficed/consumer areas. In our minds, we flash the scenario of a beaten down-clinging-to-a-shred-of-hope, desparate shell of a man. We think, "they may be a traveler in this land...weary and set upon by bad luck. Indeed, a wayward soul with no shelter, no hope, no family to turn to, no luck, other than you, in your car." It hits you that the fifty cents you may give them will help them save up to buy a cheesburger so they may have the energy once again to embark on their long and arduous journey the next shopping mall median or major intersection. It's right about now when you return from your delusion and find yourself close enough to them to read the tattered, well-calculated sign: "Hungry. Cold. I am homeless. Lost my job...need food. God bless.".

But you just don't buy it.

Your next delusion may be of them working for a very organized and thriving business based out of a regional corporate center located in a large city. They may be a sales representative who just happens to look like a bum because the position requires this. They may have answered a job posting at some point that read:

"Wanted: Outside Sales Representative. We have many open territories for entrepreneurial-minded business devleopment experts with experience in "residential sales". This is an outstanding opportunity to earn a generous six figure income while working Part Time. In this role you will be assigned a daily territory. You will be stationed at a major median in a well populated area. Your role will be to solicit "donations" based on your marketing abilities, ability to quickly establish rapport with prospects, devlopment of marketing materials (i.e. tattered/calculated cardboard sign)and close the sale (i.e. they give you fifty cents). This adds up as you know. Ideal candidates will have a four year college degree from an accredited college or university preferably in Business Development, Acting, Law, and/or Communications, will be proficient in the MS Office suite, will have the ability to convincingly look pathetic, will have balls (or "balls" for female candidates. We ARE a diversity company)and will be motivated to get money from people to support your eventually lavish lifestyle..."

Or something to that effect.

We picture them, now having worked at this company for eight months...maybe even two years? We envision them putting in a tough day of solicitation then meeting up at a local parking lot where their Volvo is parked along with the other sales reps vehicles. They may talk like;

"how'd you do today Jimmy?"

"eh...not to good Bill...fucking cheapskate republican fucks. I think my sign sucked today actually, just wasn't feeling it. Nobody was buying the war veteran angle...whatever. I'm going to get a beer before heading home to the wife. You going to the sales meeting tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Can't fucking wait. I "love" meetings...especially since my sales numbers have been to sit there and hear the same basic fact repeated for 45 minutes. You going?

"Shit yeah I'm going! My numbers aren't exactly the prettiest right now!"
(mutual laughter ensues)

Or perhaps some other work day related banter like that.

And we don't believe anymore. But we want to believe. This feeling that they're not actually bums or down-on-their-luck people but instead are working for some business, it's not a "human" feeling like we want to feel. We can't accept that there are that many actual people who have no money, no food, no hope, no chance...we know everyone has a chance because we can all make a choice. We feel hollow inside as we resign to our fate within the world-as-it-is.

Then something so innocent and real enters your world and unknowingly saves you.

Today I saw a person standing on the median at a local shopping plaza I frequent around mid-afternoon.....anyway it struck me as odd because there is usually no worker ...err, pan-handler on that median. This guy was no fucking professional though. He agressively pointed a cardboard sign at cars. He followed them as they passed with his eyes and body, sometimes even going up to the drivers side window and thrusting the sign in the drivers face as if he couldn't believe they had missed it! He had jittery feet and raw desperation as if he had to piss so bad or something. I saw the beady eyes. The car in front of me gave some money. I saw my chance to pass as he gazed into his hands at the free money he'd just been given. He thinks to himself "IT WORKS!!!" Now he's one step closer to the liquor store? The crack house?? I moved past him and was elated to read the sign that read simply; "please help. neEd moNEy".


This shit can't be faked. The "professionals" in that major corporation need to hire this guy. He fucking sells. He doesn't hear the word "no". With his eye on the prize he makes you believe, because he actually IS the real deal. At least I believe again. That guy wasn't a sales rep in some assigned territory working a job. He's not meeting sales quotas and drawing up marketing materials. He wants money to get booze or something and he scribbled basic thoughts on a real piece of fucking cardboard he found, and then pounded the pavement in the hot sun, and got it done. Take that to your sales meeting Jimmy.


Monday, June 6, 2011

Lighting the path

Hello readers. It's been a minute since I last posted because I've been rather busy livin the dream recently. So anyway, I'm just stopping in today with a post about something I really like. That's what you want to read about isn't it???

I love flashlights.

Seriously, I was reminded of this again last evening when Matt was flashing a blue light around from the bottom of his lighter. Wow! I must have one of those soon. I think my genuine love and appreciation for these illuminating gadgets, affectionately known as "flashlights", started during my time as an exterminator. Yeah, that's right I use the term EXTERMINATOR. I'll pass on the "PC" term of "Pest Control Operator" because I am so bad-ass. Anyway, in those days I was in constant search of light sources that kicked ass. I mean, crawling around in a dark crawlspace (bad-ass) with a flimsy, timid light just won't do. Who knows what dangers await in a dark basement or crawlspace? African Death Beetles?? Rats?? Lower Mogolian Venom Spiders??? Right. I'd rather be able to see what's coming for me.

I once had a flashlight (rechargeable of course) that was so powerful it could hit low lying clouds. True fact. Shit, when vermin and other creatures saw that beam hit the dark corners of the crawl space where they layed in wait for me, they knew that they were soon to be on the business end of a pest "treatment". No escape from my light and my power from there.

Well, If you made it to the end of this post, you must be really bored. Or you thought something might possibly have been shared in here for you to take away? Nope. Unless you were "on the fence" about how awesome flashlights are that is. If now you understand the power of having a device in your hand that can project light wherever you aim it, then I have truly succeeded.