Bruce Lee

Last night...

I was chillin, had some brief banter with Matt in the kitchen and I had just grabbed a bag of Red-Hot tortilla chips to feed on during the banter. Sudddenly, Matt alerted me to the presence of a malevolent marauding mosquito who was lying in wait for blood on the bathroom door.

Without any hesitation or pre-meditated attack plans, I move in the direction of the blood-sucking would-be villan, still with the bag of Red-Hot Tortilla chips in my left hand.

The over-confident vile insect immediately flew towards me in what it thought would surely be the easiest target of its parasitic evening considering my left hand was "occupied". Without any thought or what seemed like pre-meditated attack plans, it saw me and flew right at me to attack. And I could tell it had no visions of anything other than success....and blood.

The two impromptu combatants moved dutifully towards each other with calm urgency. They would confront each other on this relaxing evening and unbeknownst to them, were destined to be immortalized in the chronicles of combat history in what would come to be known as a "clash of titans". Both competent and completely self-assured of achieving their lustful objectives, there could only be one victor.

My enemy flew into range. I release the bag of Red-Hot Tortilla chips from the clutches of my left hand --effectively activating the other half of what has come to be known by mosquitoes as "The Death Clap" weapon, but better known to humans as "my two hands"-- and in one fluid and efficient motion as the bag falls to the floor, I lock my sights onto the over-confident flying fool, swing both halves of "The Death Clap" weapon, and with precise and deadly accuracy, I connect on the target with a righteous and decisive --"SLAP!!"

....the bag hit the floor at the exact point when the "SLAP!!" resonated around the battleground (my kitchen), much like the shot heard round the world. It was all over in less than one second. Crushed in my left hand, I verify the end of this loathesome and fool-hardy mosquito. I calmly wash my hands of it, retrieve the bag of Red-Hot Tortilla chips and move on with my relaxing evening.


To that mosquito, I was Bruce Lee.


~ZFJ

The Sniper. The Equalizer. The Hot Topics.

Hi there.

It’s been a bit o’ time since I’ve written for you as I have been consumed with product development and other pressing matters. For my talented and intelligent readers, I just had to take some time and share important information I’ve learned that will surely enhance your summer time experience. This post can be considered “life-changing” and informative, in many ways. Here you go and, you’re welcome!


The Equalizer. Many of you lucky and fortunate readers have been briefed on this already via my recent Facebook post but I must share it with you in detail because 1) I’m going to get rich off this idea and 2) you may just need to use it sometime. The Equalizer is a method and forthcoming product that is designed to destroy horrible Fruit Flies. These lil’ bastards are just plain tough and diligent and have brought many a good soul to the point of exasperation and even suicide through their refined annoyance tactics and general awful-ness. Here’s how to level the playing field:

Take a decent sized bowl and fill it with maple syrup. Put a banana peel in there to for compelling “scent” reasons. Cover the bowl with clingy Saran Wrap type stuff and make sure that it is secured tightly. Now, you’ll want to poke small, pen tip size holes in the plastic wrap…maybe 10-15 of them, not too close together and then place The Equalizer in a smart area.

Here’s the magic: The lil’ bastards are only guided by their sense of smell and in their lust for fruit, they fly into the holes to get at the luscious banana peel inside! Once inside, the little fools cannot smell their way out due to the scent of the banana, the plastic wrap cover and the now very limited “outside” scents (also due to the plastic wrap cover)!!!…bwaaa hahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa!!! You can sit back and watch the feeding/death frenzy as the threat of extreme annoyance is methodically eradicated from your living areas!!! I will share the patent for this forthcoming product with Matt Silberstein as he helped in its development. Be on the lookout for the infomercial in the near future. Cha-ching!!


The Sniper. Readers, I am giddy with excitement to tell you about my latest invention! As we know, mosquitoes are a vile, consistent problem in the summer and are among the worst things on this earth in general. I haven’t met a person or animal who likes to get harassed, bit and itchy from their need to suck our blood. We all just want to live our lives in the nice weather and grill, hike, party, sit, relax, converse etc…but they will come for us.

And they come in droves.

While avoiding them on “their turf” (i.e. Outdoors) is virtually impossible, I have developed a method for control in “our turf” (i.e. Indoors). First, take a washcloth which will have relative good weight to it when damp. Roll it up into a ball. Go out and locate mosquitoes and other nuisance flying insects that may be lying in wait for you on your ceiling or walls. Aim. Throw the balled-up damp washcloth at them with a straight-line snap motion. Problem solved!


I battled mosquitoes, a couple of flies and other stupid insects last night because I left my back door open for a few minutes looking for my dog in the back yard. Needless to say, by the time I had finished, the house was mosquito/flying insect free. I will be getting filthy rich from this idea and I’ll need some product development experts to help design the ideal cloth to be sold via TV infomercial! Lessons on the proper throwing motion will begin soon! Contact me asap to schedule. Lesson cost will be $20.00 per hour.

In other exciting news, my band and a few other bands are throwing a party this Friday night @ Maximum Capacity in Chicopee, MA! Called The School Dance Music Showcase and packed full of awesome-ness, you really should know about it. Here’s the link for more info:

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/event.php?eid=103151253111858


Happy Summer!

~ZFJ