Monday, May 23, 2011

U and UR motivational speeches

Ok. Well readers, it's nice that we're all still around to live our lives on this wonderful Monday morning. Unfortunately the lack of The Rapture coming puts a damper on my plans for starting a new religion to dominate the world with, but I'm sure I'll have another chance in the near future.

Anyway. The topic today is vital and of high importance. It is about motivational speeches, of any length --especially the ones found on people's Facebook status updates. I am very much in favor of motivational speeches because I not only aspire to be a professional motivational speaker, I also motivate people to become motivational speakers. I think that motivating people is really great.

Now, here's the issue. I'm including a post I saw very recently on a friend's Facebook wall, not dissing my friend at all ---well, kind of...I guess, but only for this post. Below is the motivational-speech-status-update.

"Who says u can't have problems & also smile? U don’t have 2 suffer just b.c. u have problems. U don’t have 2b happy 2 smile. U can b in a bad mood & smile, & ur mood will turn around. Just fake it 4 a while & it will become real. No, u’re not being a hypocrite if u pretend 2b something u’re not. In this case u r uplifting urself. Just the act of smiling itself will change ur mood, physically, as well as spiritually."

What. The. Fuck??

Yes it IS very motivating but we can do without the "U", "UR"'s and even "U're"'s. Here's a message to all the would-be motivational speakers of the world, and Facebook Walls: USE REAL GRAMMAR PLEASE.

Consider the impact you could have made with this version:

"Who says you can't have problems and also smile? You don’t have to suffer just because you have problems. You don’t have to be happy to smile. You can be in a bad mood & smile, and your mood will turn around. Just fake it for a while & it will become real. No, you’re not being a hypocrite if you pretend to be something you’re not. In this case you are uplifting yourself. Just the act of smiling itself will change your mood, physically, as well as spiritually."

Sounds like a mature adult/solid motivational speaker wrote that one! So, save the cute little fucking abbreviations for your text messaging and when you plan to motivate people via your Facebook Wall, please stick to somewhat proper grammar if possible. Proper grammar will enhance the "weight" of your message and appeal to a broader range of people looking for motivation. Trust me, I am an expert.


Friday, May 20, 2011

Unprepared for The Rapture?

Well well well intelligent and informed readers. It's been nice writing for you and also personally knowing many of you. You see, according to Harold Camping, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer from Oakland, CA, who founded an independent Christian ministry called Family Radio Worldwide, Jesus will return to the Earth THIS Saturday to take some people to Heaven.


Looks like the jig is up folks! And here I am making plans for the weekend and researching road bike brands with hopes of riding at least 1000 miles this summer??? Damn. What's the point of that now?? Anyway. It is "neat" that people like Harold exist in this world. You know, people who devote their life to figuring our when the world will end so they can say, "I told you so!". Even sillier is that MANY people around the planet seem to be buying into this claim. Wow! It's amazing how many humans think they somehow are privy to this sort of information and rather than live fulfilling, productive lives they focus their soul on this type of shit. C'mon now! But wait, Harold has proof:

"Camping's prophecy comes from numerological calculations based on his reading of the Bible, and he says global events like the 1948 founding of Israel confirm his math."

Good enough for me! I am disappointed though. I always planned to party like hell when The Rapture was coming around and considering Harold's in-depth research is probably true, I wish I could go out tonight and really rip it up but alas, I've got other committments. I am unprepared for The Rapture...Dammit!

Here's a link to a story about Harold and The Rapture:

Amazing how people can convince themselves of anything.

There is a silver lining to The Rapture for most of us. You see, only the "good" people will be brought to Heaven to enjoy eternal salvation while Earth will exist in a period of turmoil until the planet is eventually destroyed. Considering that most priests, preachers and many other people will no longer be on the Earth past Saturday, we will have opportunities galore! Let's start a business like Bart Centre did. Bart Centre is an Atheist from New Hampshire who started Eternal Earth-Bound Pets in 2009 for pets who won't be joining the "chosen" few in Heaven. All you have to do is pay the premium for a 10 year coverage plan and your pet will be cared for. Awesome! Recently his subscriptions have gone up.

My plan is much more grandoise than that and I know many of you brilliant readers will be excited to hear this idea. I intend to start a massive cult that I will feign as a new religion (don't tell anyone that it's a cult or, YOU WILL BE DESTROYED). So, as you know there isn't a lot of money in cults these days but there is a ton of money to be made in organized religion and I'm planning on getting my cut after Saturday passes!! I will be referred to as "Seppulan the Great" going forward for the sake of mystique and power. I'm looking for dedicated, passionate and convincing people who want to be in the "inner circle of power and clarity" (working title) with me...we can brainstorm for majestic sounding titles and other necessities over the weekend as we are kind of strapped for time to get this "religion" a foothold around the world. Also, I'll need some very creative and organized people to help me come up with what we're actually worshopping, our new rules and other necessary shit. People with previous experience running cults are encouraged to contact me through this blog. I'm looking for unique and original ideas please, no fucking spaceships, UFO's or bullshit like that please. I want this to be very "authentic" so we can all cash in and revel in least for a little while.

~Seppulan the Great (ZFJ)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

The Devils Claw

Hello readers.

Hunter S. Thompson was once quoted as saying, "I have a theory that the truth is never told between 9-5 business hours."

I think what he's getting at here is the generally un-natural premise of getting up in the morning, dressing in a certain pre-determined manner, engaging in an often-times violent and competitive commute and eventually arriving at your detination of: Work. When at work, let the rat race begin.

1. exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; labor; toil.
2. something on which exertion or labor is expended; a task or undertaking: The students finished their work in class.
3. productive or operative activity"

"Verb (used without object)
16. to do work; labor.
17. to be employed, especially as a means of earning one's livelihood: He hasn't worked for six weeks.
18. to be in operation, as a machine."

So, we work. We plug right in and we work. We want to make money to pay for things we enjoy/need and hopefully we have money left over to actually enjoy our lives and make OUR decisions. It's a fact of life for the majority of Americans that we will work for someone who is calling the shots and we will be subject to their decisions and parameters for how we will conduct ourselves during the 9-5 hours. When they "own" our time, we will do what it takes to succeed and even "get ahead" in this environment to hopefully ensure more money and maybe even decision making powers down the line.

However, my point is not that people work. It is about some of the tactics employed by CEO's and other decision makers use to help ensure productive and attentive employees. I'm not talking about job perks such as a healthy work/life balance, bonus time off or money for jobs well done or flexible arrival schedules. No dear readers, I am referring to tactics employed at the most basic level. Tactics that not only save the company money but also remind us who the fuck is making decisions around here!

I'm talking about "The Devil's Claw".

What is Devil's Claw you ask? Well, you've heard of Angel Soft toilet paper perhaps? Angel Soft is a "bath tissue" we get to enjoy when we are making the decisions! When we are in control and looking out for our own best interests! We choose Angel Soft, among other beneficial decisions, because it is wonderfully soft and, DOESN'T BREAK INTO LITTLE FUCKING PIECES THAT GET LODGED IN OUR FUCKING ASS CRACKS!!! Here's an example of where CEO's apply the expression "The devil is in the details". See folks, there is a "brand" of general/bulk products designated for use by employees while at work. This brand is "cost effective". This brand is "good enough" for us commoners who are not in the drivers seat between 9-5. While this brand encompasses many types of products it seems to feature a particular type of "bath tissue" for the general worker.

This "bath tissue" is the CEO's best friend. It usually has two-ply paper which contributes to it's ease in breaking apart, it is flimsy at best, and may even have hints of wonderful wood grains in it. Inevitably, during a work day, a worker will have to take a break or three, in order to relieve themself via the toilet. CEO's have been briefed by their middle and upper management teams that this type of activity detracts from one's productivity. As a result, CEO's and other 9-5 decision makers have made provisions that will guarantee "attentive" employees upon returning from these little breaks.

So, you take a break and you return. You're relieved in one sense and tormented in another. You can't sit still, are agitated and have no choice but to "get mad"! You are attentive by force and productive by choice from that point. While this kind of tactic really "chaps my ass", I realize that the writing is already on the wall for me and my bathroom breaks and that writing ominously reads:

"The Devils Claw"

And on that note...


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Jesus for Prisoners, Rock and Roll Confidential and of course, Fashion

"Yeah...oh yeah....oooh yeah!" Oh, *ahem*...pardon me readers, I was just working on some new lyrics for a song called "Oh No". Hahaa! Well then, on to today's important business of fashion, humor and intrigue.


Seriously, sometimes in life a person, place, event, or whatever else touches your life unexpectedly and in ways you couldn't have imagined previously. Kind of like finding Jesus. "Jesus for Prisoners", if you will (thanks Soffansays!). Sometimes they/it just seem to find you almost like they/it somehow knew you needed to be "saved" by them. Well, just when I felt like there was no more humor in my world -I'm referencing the kind of humor that can actually debilitate a person through laughter- Mr. Matt Silberstein exposed me to "Rock and Roll Confidential.Com". Because of his latest humanitarian gesture in my life (i.e., I doubt he will see a "CBR-STR Ranking" any time in the near future.

There. Now YOU are exposed to this wonderful tool to enhance your life through laughter. The giving just keeps on going here at ZFJ Blog! Don't you fucking forget it (swears are so fucking, shit cool).

Wow. Musicians surely can be a silly bunch at times but these bad-asses have set a new standard. Last evening I was enlightened by these "documentaries" about a few bands that know they are heading for the big time. Their insight and rhetoric is brilliant and they are truly inspiring.



Friday, May 6, 2011

Foreign Accent Syndrome & "Slutwalk"

Shit damn! I was perusing around Masslive and various other sites this morning while at the ole day job, trying to keep interested/awake because I am exceptionally T I R E D.

...Really tired.

Then, I came across an article about an Newport woman who recently had surgery and woke up with a British accent!!!

I am interested/awake now!

This is truly awesome stuff here readers, truly awesome! Shit, I want to wake up one day with a foreign accent -preferably British (or Russian). I mean, who doesn't sound cooler, more intelligent, refined, witty and cultured with a British accent??? Who doesn't sound more solemn, deadly, mysterious and exotic with a Russian accent?? Exactly. Now, I intend to forge ahead and pool the vast, worldwide resources of the ZFJ Blog into research and development for a system that will be able to intentionally transform people's accents while they're sleeping so they can wake up with a foreign accent. It will no longer be a random by-product of some other medical condition or "luck", but instead will become a very real option for people who want to sound cooler, more intelligent, deadly or exotic when they are speaking. Scientists or people in Product Development lines of work are encouraged to contact good ole ZFJ to get started.

When we get this up and running I think I'll set myself up to have a blend of British/Russian accents so I can sound: Cool, exotic, deadly and intelligent...that sounds like an unbeatable combination right there!

In other news, I discovered "Slutwalk". No,'s not what you think it is.

I just can't find any issue at all with this. Seriously, good name, good concept that involves people walking/protesting-scantily clad at times. Yes.


Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The First Cause, The Grapevine and The Movie

So, in keeping with my tradition of being on the cutting edge of information and fashion, of course I have to write a bit about America’s former #1 terrorist, Osama Bin Laden.

Regardless of my opinion and any other facts/rumors/truths/conspiracy theories about the killing of Osama Bin Laden by American Military forces in Abbottabad, this article from the NY Times paints an amazing movie scenario:

I’m betting that we’ll get a big time Hollywood movie out of this within two years! Anyone care to place a wager on this timeline?

Anyway, I’ve participated in many deep conversations over the past few days of both blind patriotism and, of course, conspiracy. I’ve fed both thought processes equally with available information. Shit, I’ve read so many reports online, watched viewpoints from CNN (Democratic backing) and Fox News (Republican backing) and have found articles to either validate or answer my “questions”. The information is readily available and was seemingly already in place to address my questions as if “they” knew I was going to ask!!! It seems like every effort was made to handle our questions in advance. Through the massive, powerful and responsive media “grapevine” of America and the world, we “commoners” have at our fingertips so much information to support just about ANY argument, if we seek diligently enough. For the OBL events, we don’t even need to seek as the news is right in our faces, blazing forth from every possible media orifice, complete with images of 9-1-1 to pull at the ole heartstrings.

For a good read on this sort of thing check out the book War Made Easy: How Presidents and Pundits Keep Spinning Us To Death, by Norman Solomon

“The most convincing lie is one sandwiched between two truths.” (Various sources)

Maybe so, but I ultimately chose patriotism for my train of belief for this event.

Despite the questions and debates we may have about what actually happened and why, we “common” folk are not privy to “First Cause”. For those of us who are unaware, First Cause is a philosophical argument used to prove the existence of “God” by the fact that we cannot prove what existed before the creation of The Universe.

Basically, we “commoners” will never be privy to First Cause with regards to these type of events (i.e. The actual realities, raw information and events). The information in it’s raw and truthful form is only available to an elite few in progressing levels of "elite-ship" and must be “edited” for the common citizen to swallow. We can debate and speculate all we like but we’re only going to get the information we have been allowed to get. “They” must get a kick out of how much we talk and how little we actually know…but then again, that’s the been whole game anyway: Put the right spin on something and get the “right” result.

My point? Rather than seek and long for the “eternal truth of things”, endlessly seeking raw, original and truthful answers, we should just choose what we want to believe. Once chosen just stick with that. It's as good as anything else. We should then get back to our real life’s work of taking care of people in OUR circle and work to find fulfillment and happiness for these “privy” people and ourselves.