Well well well intelligent and informed readers. It's been nice writing for you and also personally knowing many of you. You see, according to Harold Camping, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer from Oakland, CA, who founded an independent Christian ministry called Family Radio Worldwide, Jesus will return to the Earth THIS Saturday to take some people to Heaven.
Shit.
Looks like the jig is up folks! And here I am making plans for the weekend and researching road bike brands with hopes of riding at least 1000 miles this summer??? Damn. What's the point of that now?? Anyway. It is "neat" that people like Harold exist in this world. You know, people who devote their life to figuring our when the world will end so they can say, "I told you so!". Even sillier is that MANY people around the planet seem to be buying into this claim. Wow! It's amazing how many humans think they somehow are privy to this sort of information and rather than live fulfilling, productive lives they focus their soul on this type of shit. C'mon now! But wait, Harold has proof:
"Camping's prophecy comes from numerological calculations based on his reading of the Bible, and he says global events like the 1948 founding of Israel confirm his math."
Good enough for me! I am disappointed though. I always planned to party like hell when The Rapture was coming around and considering Harold's in-depth research is probably true, I wish I could go out tonight and really rip it up but alas, I've got other committments. I am unprepared for The Rapture...Dammit!
Here's a link to a story about Harold and The Rapture:
http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2011/05/end_of_the_world_on_may_21_how.html#incart_hbx
Amazing how people can convince themselves of anything.
There is a silver lining to The Rapture for most of us. You see, only the "good" people will be brought to Heaven to enjoy eternal salvation while Earth will exist in a period of turmoil until the planet is eventually destroyed. Considering that most priests, preachers and many other people will no longer be on the Earth past Saturday, we will have opportunities galore! Let's start a business like Bart Centre did. Bart Centre is an Atheist from New Hampshire who started Eternal Earth-Bound Pets in 2009 for pets who won't be joining the "chosen" few in Heaven. All you have to do is pay the premium for a 10 year coverage plan and your pet will be cared for. Awesome! Recently his subscriptions have gone up.
My plan is much more grandoise than that and I know many of you brilliant readers will be excited to hear this idea. I intend to start a massive cult that I will feign as a new religion (don't tell anyone that it's a cult or, YOU WILL BE DESTROYED). So, as you know there isn't a lot of money in cults these days but there is a ton of money to be made in organized religion and I'm planning on getting my cut after Saturday passes!! I will be referred to as "Seppulan the Great" going forward for the sake of mystique and power. I'm looking for dedicated, passionate and convincing people who want to be in the "inner circle of power and clarity" (working title) with me...we can brainstorm for majestic sounding titles and other necessities over the weekend as we are kind of strapped for time to get this "religion" a foothold around the world. Also, I'll need some very creative and organized people to help me come up with what we're actually worshopping, our new rules and other necessary shit. People with previous experience running cults are encouraged to contact me through this blog. I'm looking for unique and original ideas please, no fucking spaceships, UFO's or bullshit like that please. I want this to be very "authentic" so we can all cash in and revel in it....at least for a little while.
~Seppulan the Great (ZFJ)
12 comments:
short list~ 7 things i would consider when plotting a takeover.
1.One of my advisors would be a child. Any flaws in the plan that he/she is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
2.When i employ people as advisors, (minus said child- see #1) i will occasionally/never listen to their advice.
3.No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
4.Our ventilation ducts at base should be far too small to crawl through.
5.No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
6.When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my child advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project INNER CIRCLE OF POWER" OR “PROJECT OVERLORD” & leave it lying on top of my desk.
7.Mind control & brainwashing will be implemented.
You’re welcome,
Velora the Magnificient
(SoffanSays)
Velora,
Thank you for this sensible and well researched list. As I stated to you in our previous stratgey meeting, I am aware of the need for extra small ductwork in the complex as most would-be evil doers will try to gain entrance this way.
Also, the guards will not only treat camera malfunctions and late pizza deliveries as full scale emergencies. They will also scurry around within the complex in disarray while shooting their laser guns in erratic manners at infiltrators. Their outfits will be of a "plastic" material and will be off-white with a red leather belt. Comfortable music will be playing over the complex's PA system while infiltrators are dealt with -ultimately being handled by yourself, Seppulan The Great or other members if the "inner circle of power and clarity" because our minions (guards and various members of the forthcoming administrative team) can't shoot straight for some reason.
~Seppulan The Great
short list ~ 8-14 things i would consider when plotting a takeover.
8. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the mountain of despair beyond the river of fire. It will be in my safe-deposit box, the same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
9. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexi-glass visors, not face-concealing ones.
10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If so needed, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger : Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Danger: Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, any ON/OFF switches will not clearly be labeled.
11. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum as to not tarnish & contaminate the legion-- a small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
12. I will feel no need to prove my superiority by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat. I will be secure in my superiority.
13. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
14. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons & train my troops in their use. That way, even if outlanders manage to neutralize my power generator &/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun, but turn into savages armed with spears & rocks.
Valora the magnificient
Valora (or Velora, for short),
You have been anointed as Operations Manager for the Cult's posh/hi-tech headquarter complex. You title shall be "Velora the Magnificent, The Righteous Decider".
Some of Seppulan's ideas are:
1) Subjects are to refer to Seppulan The Great in the third person (as Seppulan just gave an example of), when called upon.
2) Development of new, extremely biased and subjective ideas about common sense.
3) Verbal arguments between humans shall result in inprisonment. Going forward, arguments shall be settled via physical combat only, a fist fight for example. The person who is "wrong" will be the one on the ground, un-victorious.
4) CT drivers (the vast majority of whom will surely remain on this planet after The Rapture) shall be punished. Punishment TBD.
shit, Seppulan the Great is fresh out of ideas...anyway, people, we need a couple of tag lines and something to worship! Quickly...
~STG (ZFJ)
Seems like all the good jobs are going fast... Do you have anything in IT? I'll even settle for accounting...
Boonack the Destroyer
Boonack,
Excellent choice of title! As your moniker points out, you will be in charge of "destroying". Granted, many things will be in ruin after Saturday and Earth will be in turmoil in general which is our reasoning for this hasty organization. Prepare your troops!
Also, the position of Propaganda Minister (integral position) is still open and we're accepting applications if you know anybody.
~STG
My designation is: Mu-Infiltrator-P5471. ("Name" according to the Earth language "English")
As you can see by my designation I have devised a clever method for naming important individuals in the inner circle!
Use a Google search I found the following website:
http://webspace.webring.com/people/pz/zircher/ang3.htm
By seizing the power of this website we can assume titles such as: Thege Lodhahnash or Chude Yede... Better still we can create a Master Language known only by the inner circle!
Mu-Infiltrator-P5471
Note: Word verification for this post was "Flentarc" It seems some other forces are pursuing my chosen destiny.
Mu-Infiltrator-P5471
http://webspace.webring.com/people/pz/zircher/ang3.htm
An unknown force removed part of the address...
Re-post
Mu-Infiltrator-P5471
short list~ 15-22 things i would consider when plotting a takeover
15.)No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bedchamber.
16.)the door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
17.)cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
18.)I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions like pizza delivery.
19.)When I capture an outlander, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around.
20.)I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if within the “anointed hierarchy ” there is a screw up I will draw my weapon, point it at said fuck up , & say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
21.)I will not tell my Legion "TAKE NO PRISONERS ALIVE!" The command will be "try to take him/her alive if they suffer from lunacy/practicality”
22.)If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, & am about to finish him off & he glances behind me & drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
Velora the Magnificient, the righteous decider
i was wondering... can i be "princess" Velora the magnificient, the righteous decider?
Mu-Infiltrator-P5471,
Your intergalactic intellect in the efforts of "ICOPAC" (short for "inner circle of power and clarity, which you figured out before I wrote that)are appreciated by Seppulan the Great. I can tell that you hastily devised that website to translate your language into "English" in order to communicate with us. Brilliant and resourceful. Considering that you've proven that Alien life forms actually read this blog and you are in fact developing a new language for "ICOPAC", your new designation shall be:
"Mu-Infiltrator-P5471, Minister of Propaganda,the Controller".
Too lengthy?
~STG
Shit.
Unless that was a VERY low key Rapture it looks like we're back to the drawing board.
Thanks to Velora, the Magnificent, The Righteous Decider, Boonack the Destroyer and Mu-Infiltrator-P5471 for their excellent and timely work in attempting to launch "ICOPAC"...we shall see you minions at the next Rapture!!!
~STG (ZFJ)
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