Thursday, December 1, 2011

The road to glory ain't paved in gold

Here's a little thought train for your Thursday reading pleasure.



Last night, I drove Robert back to his home-base feeling very accomplished after a fantastic writing session for our upcoming new album. Of course, we had a scheduled stop at Taco Bell. Readers, I want to tell you about the Taco Bell "Steak Stack" now. Because It is bliss. Pure, raw, greasy bliss.....layers of "steak-material" lovingly embraced by layers of "cheese-material" all in an easy-to-eat-and-chew type of "pita bread-material"....simply delicious, simply decadent. On the way back to my base camp/recording facility, I had 102.1 FM on in the vehicle because my ipod, after waking up the other day and letting me listen to music, went back to sleep for a bit...I guess. Anyway, I enjoyed a couple jingles for local businesses on the short trek home. One was for O'Reilly's auto parts, and was pretty darn good. It had a nice cheesy melody to it and a catchy hook. Kudos to O'Reillys auto parts for that decent jingle!!! Then, I heard the jingle for "Sleepy's" (Mattresses) and it almost brought me to tears. "Sleeep-ieeees....for the rest of your liiiiiiife".....wow! It hit me hard....so passionate! So romantic! ....just absolutely soul melting....I will surely consider them for my next mattress purchase considering the power of their jingle and the way it hit me this night.

Anyway, I arrive at my home-base facility and proceed to "tee-off" on the Taco Bell while enjoying another episode of "Restaurant Impossible" --which doesn't seem too impossible because musclebound Chef, Robert Irvine, seems to be able to turn every restaurant around to profitability, while also turning the restaurant owners very lives around for the better, every time. I flip a few channels and inevitably come across yet another news story about college football coaches molesting and/or having inappropriate relations with young athletes they are coaching. It caused me to reflect on a point that my administrative team and I had been debating/jesting on earlier in the evening.

Why do so many college coaches/coordinators insist on molesting/hooking-up-with/fondling/going-to-the-movies-with and/or generally diddling college athletes who they coach?!?

Hey College Football coaches and coordinators! Will you please just coach football?!? Please?!? Can you please lay off the young-leathery-stud-athletes in your charge?!? Please?????

We wondered, considering how difficult it is to work your way up to one of these positions --which requires hard work, sacrifice, "vision", determination, experience and more--, are they working their way up in order to be in positions of authority to young athletes so they can molest and diddle these young men? Like, is it their "vision" to hold a coordinator/coach position so they can consistently be around these young men when they're showering, dressing and, of course football-ing? Or is it something that evolves over time with the given influence and power they have over these young athletes?

We decided it must be the latter.

We imagine that the evolution goes something like this: At the late-afternoon practice session, a defensive back misses a tackle compelling the coach to bark a command of, "Hey number thirty five!! You miss that tackle again and you've got 20 laps around the practice field my friend!!!"....or perhaps, "Number sixty two!!! You better learn how to block that defensive end or you get no gravy for your mashed potatoes at the team dinner tonight!!!"......"Eighty three!!! Hey! Hey you! Listen to me, you drop one more pass and it's cold water in that shower for a week!!! C'mon!...Catch that fucking ball number eighty three!!"...on and on.....but over time, as they grow accustomed to their power, you may start to hear this shit at practice: "Hey you! Number Thirty five!! You miss that tackle again and I'm gonna shove your face in that hot gravy at the team dinner"......or, "hey seventy seven!! Either you hit that block or I'm gonna slap your ass with a hot towel in that shower!!!", for example. As their comfort level with this power and influence continues to evolve, we may begin to hear commands and discipline such as: "Goddammit number twenty two! You either learn to block or I'm gonna get the Papa Smurf costume, and you're gonna get the Smurfette wig!! Comprende amigo???".....or maybe something like, "Hey quarter back!! You'd best hit that open receiver down field next time or I'm gonna smear hot gravy on your lame ass in the shower after practice!!".....and as they grow even more comfortable with their power and influence, commands may evolve into: "Hey! Number thirty five! Yeah you! Git over here!!! You missed that tackle again and now I'm gonna caress your balls and dick in that shower after practice for 45 minutes!!!".....or, "You!! Yeah you number forty four!!! Dammit. I'm tired of you biting on the play action pass....I'm gonna strip yer sorry ass naked and slap that pink, furry dog leash around your neck! Then I'm gonna parade you around the shower room while wearing a Tinkerbell outfit, with the ass cut out of it, while singing "Hurts So Good" from John Cougar Mellencamp!! Then, I'm gonna spank yer ass, smear hot gravy all over yer lower back and butt-bang you til' them cows come home!!! How do ya like that?!? That'll teach ya how to defend play action ya punk...yipeeeeee!!!"

You get it?

We think this is the most logical explanation for why college coaches and coordinators keep messin' round with their young, leathery, studly football athletes. I mean, we get it, what do you want them to do over there?!? They're only flesh and blood and they have such influence and power in their positions. You expect them to control that shit?!? Once again, flesh and blood people....they consistently have to see these athletes all lathered up in the shower and they just can't control that shit anymore. They just can't take that shit over time. And we all can't control their desire for young-college-athlete-ass, so it all adds up to be a real problem, apparently. Just please stop it. Really. Please stop.


"HEY COLLEGE FOOTBALL COACHES AND COORDINATORS. PLEASE COACH FOOTBALL. PLEASE???? PLEASE STOP MOLESTING THE YOUNG ATHLETES IN YOUR CHARGE. PLEASE, JUST COACH FOOTBALL??? PLEASE?!?"




~ZFJ

2 comments:

jf said...

why do the british always come on to our tel-i-vis-ions, and tell us what we're doing wrong?

shows:

restaurant impossible,
kitchen nightmares,
it's me or the dog,
nanny 911.

all have self serving brits scolding us then nurturing us.
it's a conspiracy, man.

Zero Fun John said...

Ironcoffin,

it's the accent, surely. It's so proper...so authoritive. In Irvines case, he also gets to trash buildings with a convenient sledgehammer from time to time...adding to the authoritive brand he's nurturing. Love it.

~ZFJ