Thursday, November 10, 2011

"These are not the Droids you are looking for"

Hi there, you cutting-edge-brilliant-person-who-decided-to-click-the-link-to-get-to-the-vital-and-possibly-life-changing-information in this here blog post! I hope you are well.

So, just to let you know, I love TV marketing, corporate "tag lines" and/or little slogans and advertising in general. I love to see who their "targets" are depending on what I'm viewing and what time I'm viewing it, and I love the absolute bullshit that most companies spew out to try and get our money. While watching Spongebob Squarepants with my sidekick (my son) a few days ago, a commercial aired for some new toy cars that light up, flip around and who knows what else. My sidekick (son) excitedly points and proclaims, "My want those!". My friend who was here chillin' with us quips, "Imagine that. Very clever how they put a commercial for a kids toy in the middle of programming that kids --and their parents-- may just be watching..." (sarcasm, in case you didn't pick up on that). That's just one fun example of TV marketing right there...well, fun for me anyway.

Ok, ok... I'll start getting to my long-winded point here. I own and operate an iphone. The iphone is one of the best devices I have acquired in my life. It's easy to use, extremely useful for many things --even phone calls. It's streamlined, cool and empowering. The marketing behind the iphone kind of reflects a sort of "I'm-intelligent-casual-streamlined-resourceful-clever-type-of-phone", made for and used by "intelligent-casual-streamlined-resourceful-clever-type-of-person"...at least that's how I feel when I see their commercials. Seems clear and consistent and I feel like I made the right move getting it. Just saying...

Last night after a mighty Swillmerchants rehearsal, I unwound and lightened up a bit with a viewing of "Saving Private Ryan". At commercial break, a marketing piece came on that threw me for a loop at first. It showed an object flying at high speeds through a city, powerfully and easily slicing through street lights, street signs and other objects throughout the metropolitan area. My first thought was, "Oh shit! Yes! It's an advertisement for yet another big budget movie where a seemingly unstoppable-alien-threat-terrorizes-a-city-and/or-the-world-killing-millions-of-humans-as-we-shrivel-away-in-horror-eventually-demonstrating-our-human-ingenuity- resilience-and-resolve-by-finding-a-way-to-end-the-planet-wide-bloodbath-thus-uniting-the-planet-complete-with-images-and-foreshadowing-of-the-entire-human-race-living-in-harmony-upon- the-realization-that-we-should-work-together-rather-than-battle-each-other-to-make-the-Earth-a great-place-to-live-once-again!!"

Wrong. It was just a commercial for the Droid "Razr" phone. (Note the edgy spelling of "Razr"!)

Anyway, the Droid came out a few years ago (I think) and it was supposed to try and compete for market share with the iphone. Maybe the Droid line of phones is doing this? I don't really give a shit but I do hope you proceed with caution if you intend to purchase a Droid phone. Their marketing seems to suggest that this phone will be able to fly through the air and cut right through metal, bone and concrete. Very cool, if that's what you want your phone to do?? I probed further into the marketing for Droid phones and what I discovered was terrifying to say the least. A particular marketing piece showed a young executive involved in an obviously important board meeting. He spies the Droid phone on the table and decides to pick it up, no doubt thinking that the device can help with his job and/or presentation at the board meeting. Wrong!!! The joke is on him as his hands and arms began to morph into robot arms as he manipulates the device!! Wow, I guess the Droid is capable of turning every day, well-meaning humans into robotic clones??? Okaaay......

Still another marketing piece featured a young man hiding in an alleyway, covertly following a black SUV of interest. The SUV pulls up at a corner convenience store in the city and two important yet tough-looking men urgently exit the vehicle and enter the convenience store. They quickly proceed to the ATM machine and key in a secret code, which opens a secret staircase. The young man is right behind them, unseen, wide-eyed and moving fast to discover what they are doing here. He manages to make it down the secret staircase without detection and continues to trail the two men from a short distance behind. The tough-looking men continue moving through the various uber-high-tech security levels and eventually they make their way into the awaiting and futuristic complex. Inside the complex, the young man stares in awe at massive robots and various machines putting hi-tech stuff into other stuff, huge computer screens showing what resembles a nuclear combustion in progress, and many "top secret" looking people are gathered around coordinating the whole process. He turns around quickly as the steel doors to the entrance of the complex slam shut right behind his back. Undaunted, he regains focus on the overwhelming process unfolding right before his eyes and stares in awestruck horror as a huge, semi-controlled explosion occurs in the center of the complex. The explosion produces: a Droid phone. Fuck. Was I hoping for something "more" from this scenario? Possibly? He seemed happy though.

Shit.

Damn folks. I just want to make a phone call, or text someone, or play Angry Birds (lots of it) and feel like an "intelligent-casual-streamlined-resourceful-clever-type-of-person" while doing it. I don't want to slice through metal, bone and concrete. I don't want to develop robot arms and I surely don't want to take my chances enduring a huge explosion in the company of "top-secret" type people just to get a phone. Wow. Could be just my take on it, but I don't think Droids marketing is really appropriate for consumers other than those who have plans to take over the world, overthrow a government, become a robot or generally strike fear into the hearts of all who oppose them.

Wait....maybe I should get one?

Anyway, to finally conclude todays overly-boring post, I'd like to leave you with an example of what I feel is spot-on, easy-to-consume and to-the-point TV marketing. Not surprisingly it's for "Liftmaster" Garage Door Openers. In their marketing piece they explain how their garage door opening systems are awesome and even have battery backup for use in the event of power outages! Their tag line?

"Liftmaster. Get in your garage every time."

Real fucking simple folks. Your garage door will fucking open. Period. Every time --if you buy Liftmaster, of course.

Now that's effective TV marketing if I've ever seen it!

Until later...I surely hope you have an iphone for your phone-ing needs. But if not, and you own a Droid, I hope you're putting it to "good use". If ya know what I mean (hint hint)...



~ZFJ

12 comments:

MikeMcGarry12 said...

ZFJ, since you're grasping for straws here, but I do enjoy your provacative writing style, I've got a couple requests for future November blogs:
Why people take pictures of their fetuses.
Why people delete your racist or inappropriate comments from their facebook walls and photos.
Chicken Parmesan.

MikeMcGarry12 said...

A David Gilmour/Roger Waters reunion with full North American tour.
Habib Marts and cordless phones.
Office Politics.
Wine that is rather oaky with a hint of jasmin from the San Gimignano region of Tuscany.
Is a 5' bong just for showoffs or hardcore weed fiends?

Zero Fun John said...

Mike,

I appreciate you being my only reader and going to the blog approximately 94 times per day. Thank you!

Grasping at straws hardly describes my futility. I just blurt out things the way they occur to me, which is delusional and boring to put it mildly.

I have a few answers to your pressing questions, the rest may just be answered via blog post because it's obvious that I need shit to write about:

"Chicken Parmesan"
--Yes please!
"Why people delete your racist or inappropriate comments from their Facebook walls and photos?"
--They're soft.
"Is a 5' bong just for showoffs or hardcore weed friends?"
--Yes.


~ZFJ

MikeMcGarry12 said...

FIENDS! Friends was a crappy sitcom for white america...but damn monica was the corn, wasnt she?

(click 95)

Zero Fun John said...

Mike,

I like this little banter we've got going here! :) Will tackle the Friends thing at a later point...maybe. Nah.

Anyway, keep clicking and keep commenting. Makes it look like people read this drivel and then actually comment on it.

~ZFJ

MikeMcGarry12 said...

Well, if it'll really help you out, I could sit here creating different email accounts all day and commenting so that it gives off the appearance of "unique visitors". Maybe I could just use your blogspot to plug my business. So MJT John, I was MJT wondering what MJT you're doing this MJT weekend? I MJT am going to be MJT going to an art festival MJT tomorrow because we here at MJT are cultural brothas. You MJT down?

Zero Fun John said...

Another good idea...let's create a ton of email addresses just for the sake of feigning activity!

We can also promote your booming transcription business called "MJT Transcriptions", for companies that want quality transcriptions but don't want to pay high prices for them!! Woooo hooooo!


~ZFJ

Anne said...

Crap I was going to comment on your blog post until I got through all the comments and realized you were having a semi-private conversation. I think I'll go take over the world instead...

Zero Fun John said...

Anne,

I hope you have a Droid phone then...

In efforts to drive more traffic to my Facebook page, which I really like because it helps validate certain things in my life, take a moment to check out a fun comment string regarding this very blog post!!! It's located on the ZFJ Blog link. On my Facebook wall.

http://www.facebook.com/John.St.Onge.official

~ZFJ

Anne said...

I went and read the facebook comments (do you feel better about yourself now?) and I really hope the heated defense of different phones is not serious.
And unfortunately for me I do not have a Droid or any other smart phone. I guess I am lame and will have to take over the world the old fashioned way :)

Zero Fun John said...

Anne,

Thank you for the extra validation...

People are passionate about their phones. While this post was more a jesting approach at the marketing of the Droid phone rather than the phone itself, it did open my eyes to something. We people who own/operate smart phones really feel empowered, secure and resourceful (etc) with these devices. Considering this and the fact that these phones can really do a lot of shit, I can understand the attachment.

Such as the attachment I feel to my wonderful iphone.

~ZFJ

Delia Tacy said...

The NEW iPhones tell you where you can dump a body. Maybe you should have one of each for the taking-over-of-the-world?