Monday, November 21, 2011

Dark Corners & Lifestyle Messages

Happy Monday reader!

And happy holiday season...which, if you have turned on the television, entered a retail store, listened to the radio or have generally been not-sleeping to any extent, you have already been innundated with holiday messages, huge sales alerts and various other messages. All serving to drive home the point of how we "need" to get out and buy shit.

But first, I'd like to mention that I had a great weekend full of recording music, attending "Friendsgiving" and watching the Dolphins win their third straight game. I don't know what the future of "The Bastion of Despair" will be now that the Fins just can't stop winning... I'll just have to cross that bridge when it is time. On Saturday evening, right after the studio session, we drove to Cambridge for "Friendsgiving", and despite our fatigue, it was a fun holiday time as per usual. Friendsgiving really kicks off the holiday season, in my opinion. Prior to the evenings festivities in Cambridge, our Saturday recording session was rewarding and liberating, as recording sessions usually are for us. Not many things can replace the feeling of "making it official", with regards to the music we've been working on for the last year or so. Here's a shout out to Zeuss, Metal music Producer/engineer extraordinaire --and also our drum track engineer for this album. We don't play Metal music but we sure do like the raw drum tones he can get!! The guy is meticulous. The guy is awesome.


While at the studio with drum tracking in-progress, we engaged in our tradition of perusing the selection of Metal magazines in order to find Metal band names and album titles that are funny to us. We not only found a few gems, but also realized how dead fucking serious these bands are about striking fear into the hearts of the listener. And how serious they are about tapping into the "black" parts of the soul and the mind in their album titles. It occured to us that Metal bands, especially "Death" Metal, "Black" Metal, "Viking" Metal and the like, will forever be locked in an everlasting quest to create super-fast, highly agressive and very evil music. Equally important to the quest of fast, evil music is the quest to name their albums in the most fear-inspiring, "dark", occult-like and sickening-thought-conjuring nature. Which is funny. Here's a few samples:

Baptized in Blood, "Baptized in Blood"
Carnifex, "The Diseased and the Poisoned"
Hell Within, "Asylum of the Human Predator"
With Blood Comes Cleansing, "Horror"
Arsis, "We Are the Nightmare"
Dimmu Borgir, "Death Cult Armageddon"
Cradle Of Filth, "Damnation And A Day"

Wow. Take it easy? Life isn't that bad? Try to tell that to these bands though and they will gladly kill you with their evil bare hands or, and surely most preferably to them, with a human sacrifice --of YOU-- to Satan, or whatever other dark entity they're singing about. Watch it?

*sigh*

Well reader, Happy Holidays, again. Now is the time of year that hopefully we can unwind and spend quality time with loved ones, family and friends. It's the time of year for giving. And it's the time of year that retail operations in this country energetically and methodically drill this message into our brains and souls. We know, we know...we "have" to give presents. We have to spend money and they, the various retail operations, love receiving our money. This is not a secret, we all know that they're in business to make money. We just endure the blitzkrieg that begins around Halloween....Every season.......Every channel....Every commercial... Every radio.....Every website.....Every possible form of pressure to buy, both subtle and overt.

But that's not even my point. What I'm getting at is how all this effort only enhances my personal distaste for their corporate tag lines. Millions of marketing research dollars spent....then millions of advertising dollars spent, to get...our money. Your money. My money. They need to have their "brand" positioned correctly in the marketplace in order to get our money. They attempt to "disarm" us with positive affirmations, empowering lifestyle messages and clever plays-on-words. But still, we know they don't really care about our lives being "better". We know they just want "it", our money.

*sigh*

And they know that times have changed from the commonplace, everyday mindless, controllable-consumer to the savvy, internet-researching, powerful and resourceful consumer. They know we are armed with information and therefore will be difficult to control. So they needed to make their tag lines "stroke" us a little bit more while still conveying the message of: "Buy shit from our store". They needed to appeal to our intelligence with "lifestyle" messages in order to reinvent their brand and image, to get us to buy shit at their store. New tag lines have emerged that are assertive, confident, reassuring, simple, elementary, clever and, most importantly: THE MESSAGE HAD BETTER NOT TELL ME WHAT TO DO. For example, Lowes used to be:

"Let's Build Something Together".

No, let's not. I don't want to build something with you. I want to build something my fucking self thank you, because I can. I don't need your shitty help, Lowe's. I want to build it with the incredible information that I recently acquired. I have the power...So Lowe's changed it to:

"never stop improving".

Which sounds like a chorus to an 80's Arena-Rock hit single! THAT'S what I want right there. A tag line that makes me feel more uplifted and empowered while I "Never stop improving" my home... with the materials I just bought at your store...fuck you Lowe's.

Or Wal-Mart with:

"Save Money. Live Better"

Simple. Nasty. Appeals to my "just-keep-it-simple-for-me-and-don't-insult-my-intelligence-because-I-have-so-much-power-through-information-that-I-won't-fall-for-any-fucking-sales-pitches" sense of mind. Their old tag line was:

"Always Low Prices"

You think I don't fucking know that Wal-Mart????? You think I didn't just look up on the internet that your store boasts lower prices than other stores, all the time??? I can't tell that's your "niche" huh??? You think I'm stupid??? Fuck off, I'm not going to your store.

Or perhaps, JCPenny's new tag line (Yes, they are still in business...surprised me too reader!):

"We Make It Affordable. You Make It Yours."

"Cool". Now that they matter-of-factly told me that things are affordable there, if I decide, through my extensive research process of "where things are affordable", that's the place to go, I might just go "make it mine". Confidently mine because I researched it.

But JCPenny can't be happy with just one tag line from what I hear. They also have an ongoing tag line to force on us from time to time. That's right reader, they have two corporate tag lines going simultaneously!! This borders on insulting my intelligence. Here's that tag line:

“New look. New day. Who knew!"

That's it! My intelligence is insulted now. That sounds like a stupid line from "Sex In The City" or some fucking Rachel Ray cooking show! It sucks and you know what? Just writing it has officially made me angry enough to never go to JCPenny's. Get with it you assholes!!!


Anyway, for kicks over the weekend, my genius-level administrative team and myself decided that things need to change in the constant barrage of corporate tag lines and Metal band album names. We feel that it would be refreshing to live in a world where Metal Band album names and corporate tag lines traded places. Like, I'd be listening to Cradle Of Filth's new album "America Runs on Dunkin" while driving to: Lowe's ("Asylum Of The Human Predator") to get some plumbing fixtures.


Maybe while shopping in Wal-Mart, (tag line "We Are The Nightmare"), I decide to purchase the new Baptized In Blood album entitled, "Never Stop Improving"???

Or, I'd be watching American Football or something and a commercial airs for McDonalds, "Death Cult Armageddon". I like cults. I don't currently like McDonalds. But with a tag line containing the word "cult"?? ....I'll have a Big Mac please. Actually, make it two.

You get it?

Anyway, this would serve to not only "lighten up" some of the Metal bands of the world but also to carve out the edgy tag lines that all of us super-informed/empowered consumers will eventually need to be stimulated. AND, since we're "always playin' games" here at ZFJ Blog (thinking of this for the ZFJ Blog tag line), we encourage you to have good times of your own this holiday season with friends and family by switching Metal band album names and corporate tag lines!!!

Ok, I'm outta here...going to listen to the new With Blood Comes Cleansing album, "We Make Smiles", while doin' some cardio at the gym.

Bye!



~ZFJ

4 comments:

SoffanSays said...

your blogs are far too long lately.

Zero Fun John said...

Hi friend.

I agree.

Merry Christmas!

~ZFJ

Durocher said...

Nicely done. However, no retail advertising rant would be complete without some reference to the "black and white life" commercials.

Zero Fun John said...

Durocher,

That's just too easy! Just too damn entertaining and too damn easy...

~ZFJ