Wednesday, February 23, 2011

The Silent Revolution

As my friend Bobby Roast Beef, http://bobbyroastbeef.blogspot.com, once told me: "There is no shame in condiments bro -be strong!"

This past Saturday I stopped in to my favorite local watering hole, Tully O’Reillys in Northampton, to do a bit of drinking and unwinding. Quickly, I realized I was hungry so to remedy that I ordered some gourmet mozzarella sticks, with a side order of Coleslaw. The food comes out and I notice that a MAJOR component is missing: WHERE IS THE RANCH DRESSING??? I simply ask politely “Hey man, can I have a side of Ranch Dressing?” Then, the shit hit the fan. Rich, the bartender there, gets all loud with “Oh, here we go with the Ranch dressing!!…of course!!...etc”. (Rich was previously mentioned in the “UPDATED: CBR-STR Rankings blog”) This promoted Andy (resident Chef) to shake his head in disapproving disappointment while begrudgingly preparing the side of RANCH DRESSING for me. As this unfolds, two patrons hastily make their way out of the bar looking sideways at me with disgust and utter disbelief. I was made to feel like a sub-human and a dullard. What a scene for a guy who’s just trying to unwind and enjoy something that tastes really good!! The worst part? This isn’t the first time that “my kind” (i.e. those who love Ranch Dressing) have gotten jeered at, questioned, persecuted or otherwise attacked for just having Ranch Dressing with: Shepards Pie, Pizza, Mozzarella Sticks, Meatloaf, Turkey Stir Fry, Chicken Tenders or Filet Mignon. I've even been accused of owning a "Ranch Plant" in the past (by Colleen K -also mentioned in the UPDATED: CBR-STR Rankings blog)! This has been going on for many years…and I know I am not alone in my plight. But still, this begs the question of why? WHY??? Why do people go crazy when someone asks for a side of ranch dressing??? Why are we looked at differently than other humans?? Why are we laughed at and made to feel alienated and/or inferior?? Why do bartenders and cooks question us as to why we “need” that side of RANCH dressing then compare us (not in a favorable light mind you) to others who “annoy” the bartenders and cooks when they request RANCH dressing as a dipping sauce?? Why are we cast aside with pointed fingers when we’re eating, watching football and generally just trying to live??? Readers, unfortunately, I don’t have the answers…other than this; there are MANY of “us”.

The silent revolution begins now.

I encourage my people to stop cowering, second-guessing and feeling like we’re doing something “wrong” when ordering our dipping sauce choice. I encourage us all to be proud, stand and be counted, and to continue to order that buttery, on-the-sour-side-of-the-taste-spectrum, creamy and versatile dipping sauce known as RANCH DRESSING!!! Maybe, if we stand together and educate the citizens that seem to not understand our passion for RANCH, we can achieve the equal right to just be allowed to enjoy the taste of what we’re eating without the needless brow beating? Maybe if we stand fast to our commitment to RANCH as a dipping sauce and versatile cooking ingredient we will not have to endure countless hours of chop-busting and persecution for using it to dip everything in -or pour on top of Shepards Pie? If we stand tall, understand our self-righteousness and stand by our commitment we may just enlighten the rest of the world to how good things can be when eating gourmet bar food.

So citizen, next time you order your delicious bar food, stand tall with confidence, stick your chest out, and proclaim: “I WOULD LIKE A SIDE ORDER OF RANCH DRESSING PLEASE!!”


~ZFJ

12 comments:

Lynelle The Great said...

I too, as a fellow ranch addict, feel your pain ZFJ. Power to the people!

rich tardy said...

perhaps it's just the thought of dipping things with little or no nutritional value like fried cheese into something with absolutely zero nutritional value that is disgusting. at least matt silberstein breathes a sigh of relief every time you are out somewhere filling your belly up with fattening food, as that means that his food that he purchased with his hard earned money sits safely at home. for the moment. your eating habits could produce an entire series of blogs. from your late night gas station bins of pepperoni and cheese cubes, to procol harem's "whiter shade of pale" playing as the escalator takes you gently down to the food court to purchase your daily dose of chemically enhanced holyoke mall bourbon chicken.

The Immortal Hollywood Gman said...

Perhaps, with your current condition and state of shape, you should consider "lite" ranch dressing. It's available at Pizza Makers. I suggest a side of it to dip the crust on your combo with onions, x-sauce, x-cheese pizza. Oh, I also suggest you order a combo with onions, x-sauce, x-cheese pizza.

Matty Swills said...

This whole blog can be summed up easily. The reason why people frown upon ranch, is it will take over the flavor that any cook was trying to achieve. The flavor of Ranch is Fat! Its not even the nutritional value, its just the lack of flavor it actually has. But then again ZFJ <3ZNV , so continue on.

Anonymous said...

can you get a new background? it's really ugly.

soffansays said...

to truly consider food as art, you must also consider the audience it serves. today chefs serve an audience that's different from the audience of 10 years ago. in a very literal sense, our audience’s tastes have changed & they need to change with it. i am by no means condoning drowning a beautiful bowl of shepards pie in ranch dressing, but what if THEY as culinary artists found a way to endue a bowl of the pie with those salty, sweet & pungent qualities that zfj & many other americans find so pleasing about ranch dressing?

the jobs of our chefs are to interpret the tastes of the day & to elevate them to art for the public. after all we pay them, they should be making things we like to eat. I do think that it may be time for them to put aside they're notions of good food vs. bad & focus on how they can make tasty food reflective of our modern collective pallettes. doing so may mean that many a chef will be buying his or her first bottle of ranch dressing. the stuff is pretty tasty...

Zero Fun John said...

Well well well...looks like some of the "opposition" has chimed in! ...As suspected. Thanks to those with logical comments such as Lynelle's and the one about the background.

Noted AND appreciated.

~ZFJ

Matty Swills said...

I guess the best analogy I can come up with(and I know how much ZFJ loves my analogies), is if you wanted to start a band. You hire and pay top dollar for all the best musicians. You buy premium instruments and recording equipment. Then you only play RATT covers!

The Immortal Hollywood Gman said...

@mattyswills

Sounds like a recipe for a winning band to me

Zero Fun John said...

@ mattyswills

"Round and Round...what comes around goes around! I'll tell you why! ...(why)...(why)...round and round.."

~ZFJ

jf said...

The reason I don't use 'Ranch' dressing is clear: the hidden valley where the dressing comes from has the most sex offenders per capita.

soffansays said...

i wish i could "like" that post jeremy. blogs suck.