Monday, February 21, 2011

A few thoughts about Ammo

Here's some background on Ammo. Ammo is my dog. She is a tiny "Min-Pin" (miniature Pinscher for those who don't know the slang) who I inherited from my son's mother. Ammo is half the size of a standard Min-Pin which adds to her cute-ness. Ammo had a brother named Gunner who unfortunately got hit by a car -rest his soul.(Gunner was the first dog resident in the house until the much smaller Ammo moved in. See? Gunner and Ammo -get it??) Ammo is extremely cute and novel. Because of her dimunitive size people basically drool over her or are just really amused. I've never pictured myself as the owner of a tiny dog such as her but rather, I pictured myself as owning a German Shepard and running through fields and streets playing, terrorizing people and it protecting me when people try to mug me. The best laid plans...

So, instead, I find myself with Ammo and we have been locked in a battle of wills for some time now. And I'm not winning this battle. Ammo doesn't seem to have much sense of loyalty and kind of goes with the hot hand -meaning, whoever is available/in the mood to coddle her, give treats or focus all their attention strictly on her. Strike one.

Ammo is very smart as dogs go. Selectively smart though. For example, the main battle we have is based on couch sitting protocol. She is welcome to sit on the couch when I, Matt (my roommate) or guests are in the room but I'd rather her not hang out there in most other cases. She has a slick bed/food area but seems to have no use for it. She IS a dog and of course DOES prefer "human" food, sitting locations and other things "Human" related over things deisgnated for a dog -I get it. Here's the issue: she knows that she isn't supposed to sleep on the couches at certain times -as evidenced by how many times I come down the stairs only to hear/see Ammo high-tailing it from the living room into the kitchen where she is supposed to be sleeping. On one occassion, Matt walked down the stairs first followed by me and Ammo didn't even budge! She only thought Matt, who is not even close to being as militant as myself about the "couch sitting", was coming down the stairs and therefore posed no threat to her extreme relaxation. She didn't even bat an eye. Until she saw that I was there. She jumped off the couch in a flurry of confusion and speed and headed into the kitchen to continue her rigorous sleeping regimen from that point. The issue is that she knows she isn't supposed to be making the couches her usual hangout but she is just determined to keep on with what she's doing. The straw that broke the camel's back was one day when I saw that she had actually moved doggie toys and her blankets from her dog bed onto the couch where she was chillin'!!! WTF??? Strike Two.

She broke protocol once again the other day prompting me to raise my voice towards her saying" "RE-cruit!!" She perked up and stood up quickly -which gave me considerable joy and humor- and then I issued the following command of: "GO-GO-GO-GO..." which sent her scurrying into the kitchen like a military recruit in boot camp! Well, now quite a few people have witnessed the boot camp that Ammo has unintentionally gotten herself into and many of them have joined in the training process when she is on the couches in non-designated times saying: "REEEE-Cruit!! Go-go go-go-go-go go-go...!!!"

One way or the other, this little dog will learn to become a "real" dog with some level of loyalty and obedience through this training. If you stop by the house, I would appreciate the use of "Recruit" as her interim name until further notice. Any advice on how I can add to my training program is appreciated.

Over.

~ZFJ

7 comments:

Bernard said...

You could always have her move the pile of bricks from one side of the yard to another...

The Immortal Hollywood Gman said...

this k-9 sounds like he may be of relation to a young at heart dog named Norm. Who, years before Ammo was a glint in anyones eye, used to make the same couch to dog chair move as soon as the door down the hall opened. I recommend, not regular, but sturdy beatings. I do not anticipate it will curb the couch antics,(it never did for Norm) but it will make her more obedient and loyal in many other aspects of dogdom. i.e being able to hold their piss for unbelievable amount of hours and ceasing from shitting on your wallet. T.I.H.G.M

Zero Fun John said...

Maybe, if I had a German Shepard, IT could do that. One other problem with Ammo is that she can't really do anything but bark -if you can even refere to her high pitched yelps as barks that is. Brick moving? Nope.

~ZFJ

Zero Fun John said...

Gman,

Excellent advice. However, unlike Norm who could sustain sturdy beatings, one swing of my mongo-like hand would kill Ammo. Again, excellent advice but I'll have to continue the mental battle to preserve her very life. That said, I can see your clarity as a human because, in my opinion, physical conditioning is the most clear, direct and effective form of communicating things that need to "Change".

~ZFJ

rich tardy said...

i don't know what is funnier, the thought of you "running the streets and playing" with a fucking german shepard, or the thought of you getting mugged. but i enjoy this new forum so others can have your lunacy as a part of their lives on a daily basis as i have for all of these years.

Zero Fun John said...

Rich,

You'll be coming up on the forthcoming "key players" blog post really soon...so will that goddam San Fransisco Cocksucker

~ZFJ

Anne said...

Well we got it through Abby's thick head that she is not allowed on the couch by NEVER allowing her on the couch. Twice (years ago) I came down to the hall and caught her there and she just sort of looked at me with a stupid "what?" look on her face. I yelled at her and chased her off and she ran and hid in her kennel. No more couch sitting for Abby, let her have a talk with Ammo ☺