Why the fuck does my dog (Ammo) go outside and just bark for extended periods of time?? I've already been watching her for a half hour straight and there is nothing at all to bark at. She's not even trying to make it look convincing. I understand there is the possibility of a few mosquitoes, "holding out" to take one last swipe at me before winter really falls, or some random ghosts, which are always a very real concern. I wish I could actually see or understand why she just goes out there and barks? Her high pitched, ridiculous and ineffective bark --aimed at NOTHING, increases in volume and intensity at times to the point where she almost blows her chippy little vocal chords out. Designed to methodically pierce my thoughts and mind? ...Again I look outside, thinking surely there is a reason for this consistent level of barking she feels the need to employ, but nobody and nothing is there...she stands on the porch just barking into the distance...no "threats" to the backyard can be seen. No wind blowing or squirrels running. It continues. I feel my skin crawling and my breath tighten. Why Ammo? Why must you always do this? Is it to further torment me? There is nothing to bark at in the backyard...nothing. Why Ammo?? Really... If she could talk I bet she would say "Fuck you zero fun John".
Why must dudes post pictures of their new back tattoos complete with flexing/posing in front of the mirror?? Why? C'mon dude...just why?? We don't give a fuck.
Why do people issue status updates about their husband and every little interaction they have, IN EVERY STATUS UPDATE THEY ISSUE ON FACEBOOK?? WE just may not care, at all. Actually, we don't.
I'm not going to mention the nine million updates on the power being out and/or the snow. It just sucked. Sucks more to peruse your news feed and see 15 million updates of this nature.
Why do I keep using "we" in these little gripes?? Like I've got some army? Maybe I do?
Why do I think any of this material is fit for a blog post??
I guess sometimes we just take advantage of online platforms such as Facebook or Blogger to just blurt out whatever the fuck we want to? Foregoing our sense of "Hmmmm...now, why the fuck would anyone care about this other than myself?" Or, "Why would any of my Facebook friends give a flying shit about this???"
I've Been dying to use the expression "give a flying shit" in a post for quite some time now. If I told you that this whole blog post was created just so I could use it, and that the content within doesn't even matter (which I'm sure you're used to by now)...would you believe me? If so, why?
Ammo prefers to blurt her dog concerns and other shit out into the vast unknown of, the backyard. To further dig her knife of annoyance into my side and continue her agenda to attempt to rule this household, I'm sure of it.
Why?
~ZFJ
Showing posts with label Ammo. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ammo. Show all posts
Monday, November 7, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
UPDATED Top Ten CBR-STR Rankings
Hello readers. Through the duration of the last month, the CBR-STR efforts of the "elite" athletes were relatively laughable and almost a disgrace. Still, some contenders proved resiliant and creative while others were just plain consistent and diligent. Some have even made it to the CBR-STR for the first time. Either way, it all adds up to them having good times while making "fun" out of "me", my life, my soul and my dreams.
"Chop Bust Rating" or “CBR” is a designated number between 1-100 and will be reflective of recent and/or long standing ball busting, combined with the intensity of the shit talk & skit-making-up and divided by other numbers...then multiplied by still more numbers.
The "STR" -also known as the "Shit Talk Ratio" is an hourly over daily fraction such as “24/7” which represents the bulk amount of ball busting/shit-talking/chop busting that is done weekly. The Top Ten CBR-SBR Rakings will be updated periodically. Below are the current top ten rankings.
1) Christopher "Maurice" Deprey (aka San Fransisco Cocksucker, Iron Chris Deprey) Top Attributes: Good looking, creative, musician, lunatic.
Made The Top Ten because: Although Chris slipped drastically in his consistency in his shit talking and had minimal chop bust intensity last month, he did contribute excellent, thoughtful movie plots scenarios featuring good ole ZFJ as the main characters on my FB wall. However he stopped leaving actually-mean, not-joking messages as FB comments on my profile such as “you piece of shit” and/or “fuck you” which cost him points. He also took the initiative and posted Anita Baker videos on my page, which gained him points. And, he’s planning something new I'm sure.
STR: 24/7
CBR: 93
2) Rich Tardy (aka Rich, Tardy)
Top attributes: Intelligent, band-mate, sells the sizzle, best amigo.
Made the Top Ten because: He is still consistently the most productive person in either coming up with shit to bust on about my life both in my face and/or behind my back. Rich was highly successful in his first political campaign as he took down the most votes via readers poll for the best movie skit posting on my FB wall. Yay! Rich is a key enabler of Rob Driscoll, who has been sitting at the bar late nights drawing pictures of, “supposedly” ZFJ. He also led a recent shit talking session at the bar with Eric Arena, Mick Hubis, my neighbor Scott and of course Rob and Jenni, “The Artists”.
STR: 24/7
CBR: 92
3) Recruit (Aka: Ammo, Seppulon)
Top Attributes: Very cute, brilliant, methodical, calculating
Made The Top Ten because: Wow. Just had to yell at her again because, as I’m typing this, she is tickling my fucking elbow trying to burrow into one of the pillows of my "command station" here on the couch! Damn…Refer to blog post “A few thoughts about Ammo” for background on the battles with my dog. After her defiance reached unprecedented levels of audacity, I was forced to research and find that, my dog is actually trying to out-think me! The pissing on the floor…the couch sitting…flipping her food out of her dog bowl to eat it off the floor...or to enrage me?
STR:(N/A because she can’t talk. Would be: 24/7)
CBR: 90
4) Hollywood G-Man (aka Mike Govoni)
Top Attributes: Can legally shoot me, musician, lives on his own planet, Norm.
Made the Top Ten because: Although G-Man had a generally weak month, after writing the post “Imagine, Nothing to die for. Nothing to kill for. Part I”, it reminded me of how that man destroyed my dear, sweet sport and stripped me of my innocent and honorable thoughts about life. He also contributed solid movies skits and shit talking right on my FB wall. He still does not approve of my lifestyle or existence. Hates my former band. Hates my current band. Hates my future band.
STR: 15/6
CBR: 84
5) Rob Driscoll (aka Bobby D)
Top Attributes: Painfully good looking, hip, musician, artistic.
Made the Top Ten because: He remains a strong administrative/behind the scenes player in Rich's anti-ZFJ efforts. He is enthralled with trying to make me look like shit by drawing ZFJ pictures while drinking his life away at the bar and he continues to enjoy running skits with Rich and other people right in my face. Hates my current band.
STR: 11/7
CBR: 69 :)
6) Anonymous (aka “A Face In The Crowd”)
Top Attributes: Reads ZFJ Blog, hates my current band, has decent vocabulary, plays drums?
Made The Top Ten because: Runs at the mouth via text on this very blog, that is a GOOD thing. Hides behind the “Anonymous” tag which is lame. The mystery commenteer tries to talk all assertive and shit but ends up stammering around with untruths. Read the post, “The 'Left' Side of The Scene and How to Be A 'Northampton Band'", for exciting details.
STR: *Ranking system currently unable to process this data*
Estimate: Life is consumed with hatred of my band and Eric Suher.
CBR:38
7) Jenni Sussman(aka Jennifer Sussman)
Top Attributes: Artistic, “Sneaky Mean”, Gets to hang out with Rob Driscoll a lot, Good friend.
Made The Top Ten Because: She is a key enabler in the ZFJ drawings that Rob spends his days creating and even is gracious enough to lend her art skills to bring the drawings to "life". She also doesn’t like when we listen to mixes loud and she dates Rob, for now…
STR: 8/4
CBR: 37
8) Joseph Mancuso (aka Joey Kiss)
Top Attributes: Hot, cultured, actor, attractive.
Made the Top Ten because: He still joins in AND is a major contributor to ball busting despite being overwhelmed at times with his amazing fucking life. Hates my former band. Even with a pathetic chop bust/shit talk effort last month he did contribute rock solid, consistent movie skits to my FB wall. STR is low because last month, well, I guess his life was just too good to focus on chop busting. Good for him.
STR: 0.653/0.0236 * life still too good to focus enough for higher rating*
CBR: 41
9) Kevin Ace (aka Kevin Ace Demaria)
Top Attributes: Grammar, Wrestling Analysis, Saviour, Wiffle Ball
Made The Top Ten because: Well, let’s say he crawled in to The Top Ten CBR-STR Rankings. Due in part to the paltry efforts of other competitor's chop bust initiatives last month but mostly because of his effective movie skit placements and frequent referencing of a slight lisp I may have at times. The fact that he once raised me from the depths of hell only served to slightly magnify his sub-standard chop bust/shit talk efforts.
STR: 8/3
CBR: 25
10) Matt Silberstein (aka MAtt)
Top Attributes: Facial hair, musician, music knowledge, room-mate.
Made the Top Ten because: Persists in singing Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" en route to the shower. Told me to basically pound sand when I asked to use his bass head for a show and then proceeded to use my bass cab for practice. I wrote this just to get him pissed, which I think worked… Otherwise, his CBR/STR is just in the toilet right now. URGENT REAL TIME UPDATE!!! He just busted in the front door with aggression when I asked him if he has a certain drum stool in his posession! Wow readers, FYI his ranking was literally just "14". He gained 6 points just like that again proving that, the race ain't over until it's over!
STR: 6/2
CBR: 20
Stay tuned for updates as the world class athletes featured right here on ZFJ Blog continue to battle for prestige and power in the CBR-STR Rankings!
~ZFJ
"Chop Bust Rating" or “CBR” is a designated number between 1-100 and will be reflective of recent and/or long standing ball busting, combined with the intensity of the shit talk & skit-making-up and divided by other numbers...then multiplied by still more numbers.
The "STR" -also known as the "Shit Talk Ratio" is an hourly over daily fraction such as “24/7” which represents the bulk amount of ball busting/shit-talking/chop busting that is done weekly. The Top Ten CBR-SBR Rakings will be updated periodically. Below are the current top ten rankings.
1) Christopher "Maurice" Deprey (aka San Fransisco Cocksucker, Iron Chris Deprey) Top Attributes: Good looking, creative, musician, lunatic.
Made The Top Ten because: Although Chris slipped drastically in his consistency in his shit talking and had minimal chop bust intensity last month, he did contribute excellent, thoughtful movie plots scenarios featuring good ole ZFJ as the main characters on my FB wall. However he stopped leaving actually-mean, not-joking messages as FB comments on my profile such as “you piece of shit” and/or “fuck you” which cost him points. He also took the initiative and posted Anita Baker videos on my page, which gained him points. And, he’s planning something new I'm sure.
STR: 24/7
CBR: 93
2) Rich Tardy (aka Rich, Tardy)
Top attributes: Intelligent, band-mate, sells the sizzle, best amigo.
Made the Top Ten because: He is still consistently the most productive person in either coming up with shit to bust on about my life both in my face and/or behind my back. Rich was highly successful in his first political campaign as he took down the most votes via readers poll for the best movie skit posting on my FB wall. Yay! Rich is a key enabler of Rob Driscoll, who has been sitting at the bar late nights drawing pictures of, “supposedly” ZFJ. He also led a recent shit talking session at the bar with Eric Arena, Mick Hubis, my neighbor Scott and of course Rob and Jenni, “The Artists”.
STR: 24/7
CBR: 92
3) Recruit (Aka: Ammo, Seppulon)
Top Attributes: Very cute, brilliant, methodical, calculating
Made The Top Ten because: Wow. Just had to yell at her again because, as I’m typing this, she is tickling my fucking elbow trying to burrow into one of the pillows of my "command station" here on the couch! Damn…Refer to blog post “A few thoughts about Ammo” for background on the battles with my dog. After her defiance reached unprecedented levels of audacity, I was forced to research and find that, my dog is actually trying to out-think me! The pissing on the floor…the couch sitting…flipping her food out of her dog bowl to eat it off the floor...or to enrage me?
STR:(N/A because she can’t talk. Would be: 24/7)
CBR: 90
4) Hollywood G-Man (aka Mike Govoni)
Top Attributes: Can legally shoot me, musician, lives on his own planet, Norm.
Made the Top Ten because: Although G-Man had a generally weak month, after writing the post “Imagine, Nothing to die for. Nothing to kill for. Part I”, it reminded me of how that man destroyed my dear, sweet sport and stripped me of my innocent and honorable thoughts about life. He also contributed solid movies skits and shit talking right on my FB wall. He still does not approve of my lifestyle or existence. Hates my former band. Hates my current band. Hates my future band.
STR: 15/6
CBR: 84
5) Rob Driscoll (aka Bobby D)
Top Attributes: Painfully good looking, hip, musician, artistic.
Made the Top Ten because: He remains a strong administrative/behind the scenes player in Rich's anti-ZFJ efforts. He is enthralled with trying to make me look like shit by drawing ZFJ pictures while drinking his life away at the bar and he continues to enjoy running skits with Rich and other people right in my face. Hates my current band.
STR: 11/7
CBR: 69 :)
6) Anonymous (aka “A Face In The Crowd”)
Top Attributes: Reads ZFJ Blog, hates my current band, has decent vocabulary, plays drums?
Made The Top Ten because: Runs at the mouth via text on this very blog, that is a GOOD thing. Hides behind the “Anonymous” tag which is lame. The mystery commenteer tries to talk all assertive and shit but ends up stammering around with untruths. Read the post, “The 'Left' Side of The Scene and How to Be A 'Northampton Band'", for exciting details.
STR: *Ranking system currently unable to process this data*
Estimate: Life is consumed with hatred of my band and Eric Suher.
CBR:38
7) Jenni Sussman(aka Jennifer Sussman)
Top Attributes: Artistic, “Sneaky Mean”, Gets to hang out with Rob Driscoll a lot, Good friend.
Made The Top Ten Because: She is a key enabler in the ZFJ drawings that Rob spends his days creating and even is gracious enough to lend her art skills to bring the drawings to "life". She also doesn’t like when we listen to mixes loud and she dates Rob, for now…
STR: 8/4
CBR: 37
8) Joseph Mancuso (aka Joey Kiss)
Top Attributes: Hot, cultured, actor, attractive.
Made the Top Ten because: He still joins in AND is a major contributor to ball busting despite being overwhelmed at times with his amazing fucking life. Hates my former band. Even with a pathetic chop bust/shit talk effort last month he did contribute rock solid, consistent movie skits to my FB wall. STR is low because last month, well, I guess his life was just too good to focus on chop busting. Good for him.
STR: 0.653/0.0236 * life still too good to focus enough for higher rating*
CBR: 41
9) Kevin Ace (aka Kevin Ace Demaria)
Top Attributes: Grammar, Wrestling Analysis, Saviour, Wiffle Ball
Made The Top Ten because: Well, let’s say he crawled in to The Top Ten CBR-STR Rankings. Due in part to the paltry efforts of other competitor's chop bust initiatives last month but mostly because of his effective movie skit placements and frequent referencing of a slight lisp I may have at times. The fact that he once raised me from the depths of hell only served to slightly magnify his sub-standard chop bust/shit talk efforts.
STR: 8/3
CBR: 25
10) Matt Silberstein (aka MAtt)
Top Attributes: Facial hair, musician, music knowledge, room-mate.
Made the Top Ten because: Persists in singing Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" en route to the shower. Told me to basically pound sand when I asked to use his bass head for a show and then proceeded to use my bass cab for practice. I wrote this just to get him pissed, which I think worked… Otherwise, his CBR/STR is just in the toilet right now. URGENT REAL TIME UPDATE!!! He just busted in the front door with aggression when I asked him if he has a certain drum stool in his posession! Wow readers, FYI his ranking was literally just "14". He gained 6 points just like that again proving that, the race ain't over until it's over!
STR: 6/2
CBR: 20
Stay tuned for updates as the world class athletes featured right here on ZFJ Blog continue to battle for prestige and power in the CBR-STR Rankings!
~ZFJ
Monday, February 21, 2011
A few thoughts about Ammo
Here's some background on Ammo. Ammo is my dog. She is a tiny "Min-Pin" (miniature Pinscher for those who don't know the slang) who I inherited from my son's mother. Ammo is half the size of a standard Min-Pin which adds to her cute-ness. Ammo had a brother named Gunner who unfortunately got hit by a car -rest his soul.(Gunner was the first dog resident in the house until the much smaller Ammo moved in. See? Gunner and Ammo -get it??) Ammo is extremely cute and novel. Because of her dimunitive size people basically drool over her or are just really amused. I've never pictured myself as the owner of a tiny dog such as her but rather, I pictured myself as owning a German Shepard and running through fields and streets playing, terrorizing people and it protecting me when people try to mug me. The best laid plans...
So, instead, I find myself with Ammo and we have been locked in a battle of wills for some time now. And I'm not winning this battle. Ammo doesn't seem to have much sense of loyalty and kind of goes with the hot hand -meaning, whoever is available/in the mood to coddle her, give treats or focus all their attention strictly on her. Strike one.
Ammo is very smart as dogs go. Selectively smart though. For example, the main battle we have is based on couch sitting protocol. She is welcome to sit on the couch when I, Matt (my roommate) or guests are in the room but I'd rather her not hang out there in most other cases. She has a slick bed/food area but seems to have no use for it. She IS a dog and of course DOES prefer "human" food, sitting locations and other things "Human" related over things deisgnated for a dog -I get it. Here's the issue: she knows that she isn't supposed to sleep on the couches at certain times -as evidenced by how many times I come down the stairs only to hear/see Ammo high-tailing it from the living room into the kitchen where she is supposed to be sleeping. On one occassion, Matt walked down the stairs first followed by me and Ammo didn't even budge! She only thought Matt, who is not even close to being as militant as myself about the "couch sitting", was coming down the stairs and therefore posed no threat to her extreme relaxation. She didn't even bat an eye. Until she saw that I was there. She jumped off the couch in a flurry of confusion and speed and headed into the kitchen to continue her rigorous sleeping regimen from that point. The issue is that she knows she isn't supposed to be making the couches her usual hangout but she is just determined to keep on with what she's doing. The straw that broke the camel's back was one day when I saw that she had actually moved doggie toys and her blankets from her dog bed onto the couch where she was chillin'!!! WTF??? Strike Two.
She broke protocol once again the other day prompting me to raise my voice towards her saying" "RE-cruit!!" She perked up and stood up quickly -which gave me considerable joy and humor- and then I issued the following command of: "GO-GO-GO-GO..." which sent her scurrying into the kitchen like a military recruit in boot camp! Well, now quite a few people have witnessed the boot camp that Ammo has unintentionally gotten herself into and many of them have joined in the training process when she is on the couches in non-designated times saying: "REEEE-Cruit!! Go-go go-go-go-go go-go...!!!"
One way or the other, this little dog will learn to become a "real" dog with some level of loyalty and obedience through this training. If you stop by the house, I would appreciate the use of "Recruit" as her interim name until further notice. Any advice on how I can add to my training program is appreciated.
Over.
~ZFJ
So, instead, I find myself with Ammo and we have been locked in a battle of wills for some time now. And I'm not winning this battle. Ammo doesn't seem to have much sense of loyalty and kind of goes with the hot hand -meaning, whoever is available/in the mood to coddle her, give treats or focus all their attention strictly on her. Strike one.
Ammo is very smart as dogs go. Selectively smart though. For example, the main battle we have is based on couch sitting protocol. She is welcome to sit on the couch when I, Matt (my roommate) or guests are in the room but I'd rather her not hang out there in most other cases. She has a slick bed/food area but seems to have no use for it. She IS a dog and of course DOES prefer "human" food, sitting locations and other things "Human" related over things deisgnated for a dog -I get it. Here's the issue: she knows that she isn't supposed to sleep on the couches at certain times -as evidenced by how many times I come down the stairs only to hear/see Ammo high-tailing it from the living room into the kitchen where she is supposed to be sleeping. On one occassion, Matt walked down the stairs first followed by me and Ammo didn't even budge! She only thought Matt, who is not even close to being as militant as myself about the "couch sitting", was coming down the stairs and therefore posed no threat to her extreme relaxation. She didn't even bat an eye. Until she saw that I was there. She jumped off the couch in a flurry of confusion and speed and headed into the kitchen to continue her rigorous sleeping regimen from that point. The issue is that she knows she isn't supposed to be making the couches her usual hangout but she is just determined to keep on with what she's doing. The straw that broke the camel's back was one day when I saw that she had actually moved doggie toys and her blankets from her dog bed onto the couch where she was chillin'!!! WTF??? Strike Two.
She broke protocol once again the other day prompting me to raise my voice towards her saying" "RE-cruit!!" She perked up and stood up quickly -which gave me considerable joy and humor- and then I issued the following command of: "GO-GO-GO-GO..." which sent her scurrying into the kitchen like a military recruit in boot camp! Well, now quite a few people have witnessed the boot camp that Ammo has unintentionally gotten herself into and many of them have joined in the training process when she is on the couches in non-designated times saying: "REEEE-Cruit!! Go-go go-go-go-go go-go...!!!"
One way or the other, this little dog will learn to become a "real" dog with some level of loyalty and obedience through this training. If you stop by the house, I would appreciate the use of "Recruit" as her interim name until further notice. Any advice on how I can add to my training program is appreciated.
Over.
~ZFJ
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