People may think I’m crazy but I’m simply using this blog as a forum to expose the fact that it’s all of you who are crazy. Shit, now I’ve got friends of mine coming up with skits of me being main characters in classic movies and posting this drivel all over my blessed Facebook page –not normal behaviour. Being among a precious few of the sane and righteous members of society as well as a self taught expert on identifying psychotic behaviour and tendencies, it is my mission to enlighten the masses about the real danger that exists in our society. Those who we think are “normal”, non-paranoid and have wholesome thoughts but are actually lying in wait for moments when they can alter our lives with their psychosis. Such as my roommate Matt.
To most people, Matt is a nice guy, a pleasant fellow, an active musician, someone who goes with the flow and someone who buys food that I like to eat. Recently he purchased a bottle of Green Vibrance, which is a very healthy supplement that I regularly use in my morning power shake, and he said I could use a little bit of it if I needed to before I replaced my bottle. Sounds fair enough? One roommate helps out the other roommate -the team concept. Of course, timing is everything and I had just run out of my supply so, I used some of his supply. Then I used a little more, then a little more…and eventually got addicted to using it every day. What a pleasure to not have to trek to the store, reach in my pocket for money and lug the bottle all the way home! Any sane person can see the benefit of this! With my daily use, I did notice that there was sharpie lines drawn on the bottle that would line up when it was closed tightly as well as clear tape which needed to be set back in it’s place when closed and I thought to myself, “That clever J*w! Who does he think he is trying to monitor my usage of his Green Vibrance with these primitive methods??? Does he think he’s slick?? Is he bold enough to think he even has a chance to discover just how much of this I am using???” Ha-HA…fool! I simply lined the sharpie marks up, replaced the tape and continued on with my clever, money saving plan. One day Matt approached me indignantly with, “Hey bro. Are you using my Green Vibrance???” I was like, “Just once or twice man, calm down.” Then, Matt revealed his true psychotic self and divulged that the Sharpie marks and tape were actually decoys and that he had been weighing the bottle daily with a digital scale before he used it and was also recording the “pre-use-weight” on a notepad as the weight decreased each day!!! My jaw hit the ground as I realized I was not only living with a very “frugal” person but, a psychotic person as well. I fessed up to some usage and thought about having surveillance equipment and Private Investigators hired to watch him from that point. I feared for my life at times in light of this new information about his capacity for insanity.
As if that wasn’t enough. Matt decided one day that he was going to sing “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley on his way to the shower wearing only a towel (as referenced in the UPDATED: CBR-STR Ranking Blog). The first time I witnessed this, it was humorous and I threw up in my mouth a little. Within a short period of time, I realized that this wasn’t some playful gag and the vision began to burn and distort my thoughts and dreams. I soon realized that he was trying to destroy my mind and soul with this repeated image and make me pay for the Green Vibrance usage. One time I got home and heard the musical intro being hummed from within the confines of the bathroom because he heard the door open!! He couldn’t even miss one time of engraining that song in my head due to his mission to turn me into a lunatic like he is. I am now considering seeking professional help because I cringe whenever I hear these words in any combination: “Never, Gonna, Give, You, Up, Never, Gonna, Let, You, Down…”
So readers, your ole pal ZFJ isn’t the one with the lunacy issues as you can plainly see. I am here, rising like a mountain above the trees of insanity and publically defending those who among us who are sane yet misrepresented by all of those who are simply “out to get us”. If I can find any of you that is…
~ZFJ
Showing posts with label zero fun john. Show all posts
Showing posts with label zero fun john. Show all posts
Friday, February 25, 2011
Monday, February 21, 2011
A few thoughts about Ammo
Here's some background on Ammo. Ammo is my dog. She is a tiny "Min-Pin" (miniature Pinscher for those who don't know the slang) who I inherited from my son's mother. Ammo is half the size of a standard Min-Pin which adds to her cute-ness. Ammo had a brother named Gunner who unfortunately got hit by a car -rest his soul.(Gunner was the first dog resident in the house until the much smaller Ammo moved in. See? Gunner and Ammo -get it??) Ammo is extremely cute and novel. Because of her dimunitive size people basically drool over her or are just really amused. I've never pictured myself as the owner of a tiny dog such as her but rather, I pictured myself as owning a German Shepard and running through fields and streets playing, terrorizing people and it protecting me when people try to mug me. The best laid plans...
So, instead, I find myself with Ammo and we have been locked in a battle of wills for some time now. And I'm not winning this battle. Ammo doesn't seem to have much sense of loyalty and kind of goes with the hot hand -meaning, whoever is available/in the mood to coddle her, give treats or focus all their attention strictly on her. Strike one.
Ammo is very smart as dogs go. Selectively smart though. For example, the main battle we have is based on couch sitting protocol. She is welcome to sit on the couch when I, Matt (my roommate) or guests are in the room but I'd rather her not hang out there in most other cases. She has a slick bed/food area but seems to have no use for it. She IS a dog and of course DOES prefer "human" food, sitting locations and other things "Human" related over things deisgnated for a dog -I get it. Here's the issue: she knows that she isn't supposed to sleep on the couches at certain times -as evidenced by how many times I come down the stairs only to hear/see Ammo high-tailing it from the living room into the kitchen where she is supposed to be sleeping. On one occassion, Matt walked down the stairs first followed by me and Ammo didn't even budge! She only thought Matt, who is not even close to being as militant as myself about the "couch sitting", was coming down the stairs and therefore posed no threat to her extreme relaxation. She didn't even bat an eye. Until she saw that I was there. She jumped off the couch in a flurry of confusion and speed and headed into the kitchen to continue her rigorous sleeping regimen from that point. The issue is that she knows she isn't supposed to be making the couches her usual hangout but she is just determined to keep on with what she's doing. The straw that broke the camel's back was one day when I saw that she had actually moved doggie toys and her blankets from her dog bed onto the couch where she was chillin'!!! WTF??? Strike Two.
She broke protocol once again the other day prompting me to raise my voice towards her saying" "RE-cruit!!" She perked up and stood up quickly -which gave me considerable joy and humor- and then I issued the following command of: "GO-GO-GO-GO..." which sent her scurrying into the kitchen like a military recruit in boot camp! Well, now quite a few people have witnessed the boot camp that Ammo has unintentionally gotten herself into and many of them have joined in the training process when she is on the couches in non-designated times saying: "REEEE-Cruit!! Go-go go-go-go-go go-go...!!!"
One way or the other, this little dog will learn to become a "real" dog with some level of loyalty and obedience through this training. If you stop by the house, I would appreciate the use of "Recruit" as her interim name until further notice. Any advice on how I can add to my training program is appreciated.
Over.
~ZFJ
So, instead, I find myself with Ammo and we have been locked in a battle of wills for some time now. And I'm not winning this battle. Ammo doesn't seem to have much sense of loyalty and kind of goes with the hot hand -meaning, whoever is available/in the mood to coddle her, give treats or focus all their attention strictly on her. Strike one.
Ammo is very smart as dogs go. Selectively smart though. For example, the main battle we have is based on couch sitting protocol. She is welcome to sit on the couch when I, Matt (my roommate) or guests are in the room but I'd rather her not hang out there in most other cases. She has a slick bed/food area but seems to have no use for it. She IS a dog and of course DOES prefer "human" food, sitting locations and other things "Human" related over things deisgnated for a dog -I get it. Here's the issue: she knows that she isn't supposed to sleep on the couches at certain times -as evidenced by how many times I come down the stairs only to hear/see Ammo high-tailing it from the living room into the kitchen where she is supposed to be sleeping. On one occassion, Matt walked down the stairs first followed by me and Ammo didn't even budge! She only thought Matt, who is not even close to being as militant as myself about the "couch sitting", was coming down the stairs and therefore posed no threat to her extreme relaxation. She didn't even bat an eye. Until she saw that I was there. She jumped off the couch in a flurry of confusion and speed and headed into the kitchen to continue her rigorous sleeping regimen from that point. The issue is that she knows she isn't supposed to be making the couches her usual hangout but she is just determined to keep on with what she's doing. The straw that broke the camel's back was one day when I saw that she had actually moved doggie toys and her blankets from her dog bed onto the couch where she was chillin'!!! WTF??? Strike Two.
She broke protocol once again the other day prompting me to raise my voice towards her saying" "RE-cruit!!" She perked up and stood up quickly -which gave me considerable joy and humor- and then I issued the following command of: "GO-GO-GO-GO..." which sent her scurrying into the kitchen like a military recruit in boot camp! Well, now quite a few people have witnessed the boot camp that Ammo has unintentionally gotten herself into and many of them have joined in the training process when she is on the couches in non-designated times saying: "REEEE-Cruit!! Go-go go-go-go-go go-go...!!!"
One way or the other, this little dog will learn to become a "real" dog with some level of loyalty and obedience through this training. If you stop by the house, I would appreciate the use of "Recruit" as her interim name until further notice. Any advice on how I can add to my training program is appreciated.
Over.
~ZFJ
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Speculation of a scene, pretense and delusions, oh what a wonderful time!
I approached Saturday with some optimism. I left with MORE optimism...
but not in the normal, comforting sense. I had a conversation the night before with a good friend and former bandmate in regards to the show Saturday. He said it seemed like a lot of people were coming out, many even had a sense that it may be the start of a new "scene". Everybody talks about "the scene is dead..." or "music sucks around here now...". Not really, it's just hard to find an enjoyable event sometimes. Anyway, I foolishly agreed with my friend about the feeling of something being started anew. Wrong about the scene, right about something starting.
My singer booked the show a few months ago and set the lineup with the owner of the venue, who by the way, puts any club owner to shame with his promotional efforts and genuine advocacy for original bands. Fast forward to the show: one band showed up early, set up all their stuff and basically tried to dictate the lineup putting our back to the wall to clarify things with the other band who was bitching about going last. Don, the owner, told us the actual lineup and then the band going last started sulking and bitching through the bar. When I told the guitar player that they would have to go last and he says to me "Oh, that kind of sucks. We told everyone we were playing at 10 and they were going to watch our set and then leave..." Wow...WOW. Perhaps I just heard it wrong?? What the fuck is that??? The other band demanded the slot right before my band and they deserved it because they were the other band on the bill with us the whole time. They played their music. They broke down their gear and then, none of them were seen in the bar during our set. As if they are really something??? It's ok, a couple hundred other people decided to stay in the room to watch our set. My band's never been anything but cool to this crew but they sure like to talk shit about my band for some reason. It is endlessly flattering when you're a relatively big target. Shit like that doesn't nurture a scene. It destroys it. The fucking self serving, self consumed and delusional musicians that have such tiny visions for themselves they can't even see beyond their own recognition or praise seeking. I'd love to see musicians out supporting each others shows, saying decent things, not being jealous when other bands get success but rather using it to fuel their fire...it's nearly impossible to succeed alone.
Something DID get started after Saturday. A few key people are on fire again and that means some fucking good things are going to happen. So, people, get together. Drop your storylines, issues and what you think you know and we all may get the vibes we want again.
This is the first post for the new blog: zero fun John.
but not in the normal, comforting sense. I had a conversation the night before with a good friend and former bandmate in regards to the show Saturday. He said it seemed like a lot of people were coming out, many even had a sense that it may be the start of a new "scene". Everybody talks about "the scene is dead..." or "music sucks around here now...". Not really, it's just hard to find an enjoyable event sometimes. Anyway, I foolishly agreed with my friend about the feeling of something being started anew. Wrong about the scene, right about something starting.
My singer booked the show a few months ago and set the lineup with the owner of the venue, who by the way, puts any club owner to shame with his promotional efforts and genuine advocacy for original bands. Fast forward to the show: one band showed up early, set up all their stuff and basically tried to dictate the lineup putting our back to the wall to clarify things with the other band who was bitching about going last. Don, the owner, told us the actual lineup and then the band going last started sulking and bitching through the bar. When I told the guitar player that they would have to go last and he says to me "Oh, that kind of sucks. We told everyone we were playing at 10 and they were going to watch our set and then leave..." Wow...WOW. Perhaps I just heard it wrong?? What the fuck is that??? The other band demanded the slot right before my band and they deserved it because they were the other band on the bill with us the whole time. They played their music. They broke down their gear and then, none of them were seen in the bar during our set. As if they are really something??? It's ok, a couple hundred other people decided to stay in the room to watch our set. My band's never been anything but cool to this crew but they sure like to talk shit about my band for some reason. It is endlessly flattering when you're a relatively big target. Shit like that doesn't nurture a scene. It destroys it. The fucking self serving, self consumed and delusional musicians that have such tiny visions for themselves they can't even see beyond their own recognition or praise seeking. I'd love to see musicians out supporting each others shows, saying decent things, not being jealous when other bands get success but rather using it to fuel their fire...it's nearly impossible to succeed alone.
Something DID get started after Saturday. A few key people are on fire again and that means some fucking good things are going to happen. So, people, get together. Drop your storylines, issues and what you think you know and we all may get the vibes we want again.
This is the first post for the new blog: zero fun John.
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