Green Vibrance, Rick Astley & A-guy-who-is-of-a-reputedly-frugal-ethnic-group.

People may think I’m crazy but I’m simply using this blog as a forum to expose the fact that it’s all of you who are crazy. Shit, now I’ve got friends of mine coming up with skits of me being main characters in classic movies and posting this drivel all over my blessed Facebook page –not normal behaviour. Being among a precious few of the sane and righteous members of society as well as a self taught expert on identifying psychotic behaviour and tendencies, it is my mission to enlighten the masses about the real danger that exists in our society. Those who we think are “normal”, non-paranoid and have wholesome thoughts but are actually lying in wait for moments when they can alter our lives with their psychosis. Such as my roommate Matt.

To most people, Matt is a nice guy, a pleasant fellow, an active musician, someone who goes with the flow and someone who buys food that I like to eat. Recently he purchased a bottle of Green Vibrance, which is a very healthy supplement that I regularly use in my morning power shake, and he said I could use a little bit of it if I needed to before I replaced my bottle. Sounds fair enough? One roommate helps out the other roommate -the team concept. Of course, timing is everything and I had just run out of my supply so, I used some of his supply. Then I used a little more, then a little more…and eventually got addicted to using it every day. What a pleasure to not have to trek to the store, reach in my pocket for money and lug the bottle all the way home! Any sane person can see the benefit of this! With my daily use, I did notice that there was sharpie lines drawn on the bottle that would line up when it was closed tightly as well as clear tape which needed to be set back in it’s place when closed and I thought to myself, “That clever J*w! Who does he think he is trying to monitor my usage of his Green Vibrance with these primitive methods??? Does he think he’s slick?? Is he bold enough to think he even has a chance to discover just how much of this I am using???” Ha-HA…fool! I simply lined the sharpie marks up, replaced the tape and continued on with my clever, money saving plan. One day Matt approached me indignantly with, “Hey bro. Are you using my Green Vibrance???” I was like, “Just once or twice man, calm down.” Then, Matt revealed his true psychotic self and divulged that the Sharpie marks and tape were actually decoys and that he had been weighing the bottle daily with a digital scale before he used it and was also recording the “pre-use-weight” on a notepad as the weight decreased each day!!! My jaw hit the ground as I realized I was not only living with a very “frugal” person but, a psychotic person as well. I fessed up to some usage and thought about having surveillance equipment and Private Investigators hired to watch him from that point. I feared for my life at times in light of this new information about his capacity for insanity.

As if that wasn’t enough. Matt decided one day that he was going to sing “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley on his way to the shower wearing only a towel (as referenced in the UPDATED: CBR-STR Ranking Blog). The first time I witnessed this, it was humorous and I threw up in my mouth a little. Within a short period of time, I realized that this wasn’t some playful gag and the vision began to burn and distort my thoughts and dreams. I soon realized that he was trying to destroy my mind and soul with this repeated image and make me pay for the Green Vibrance usage. One time I got home and heard the musical intro being hummed from within the confines of the bathroom because he heard the door open!! He couldn’t even miss one time of engraining that song in my head due to his mission to turn me into a lunatic like he is. I am now considering seeking professional help because I cringe whenever I hear these words in any combination: “Never, Gonna, Give, You, Up, Never, Gonna, Let, You, Down…”

So readers, your ole pal ZFJ isn’t the one with the lunacy issues as you can plainly see. I am here, rising like a mountain above the trees of insanity and publically defending those who among us who are sane yet misrepresented by all of those who are simply “out to get us”. If I can find any of you that is…

~ZFJ