The Ironic Journey

So, about a year ago Rich and I hit a friend's tag sale while busy wasting some time on a Saturday. We came upon many cool items there such as a black wig (which I own), a sheepskin-ish looking western vest, plenty of cheap sunglasses and more. However, none of these prizes were more special than the pack of meat stickers I found. Yes reader, stickers that are pictures of meat. We saw the ironic value of these instantly and immediately launched into detailed and elaborate plans for deploying these stickers in order to get some additional kicks.

So naturally the plan we decided on involved placing these meat stickers on various belongings of Matt Silbersteins, a friend, a musician, a legendary vegetarian and now, a power-vegan. We envisioned how he would freak out and be surprised when he came across one of them and how he would marvel at our clever-ness. Keeping the super-ironic fact that the stickers were PICTURES OF MEAT fresh in our minds, we set off to make it happen. I positioned four of these stickers back then and only two have been discovered. The first discovery was the one I put on his guitar case which was a picture of a de-feathered chicken ready to be cooked. He found it but didn't seem to enjoy the irony as much as we did. The second placement however, was special. This meat sticker --which is a picture of a nice ham steak to the best of my knowledge-- has taken on a beautiful life of it's own in our little, ironic world.

The ham steak meat sticker was placed on a liquor bottle of DiSaronno that for some reason was stationed in his bedroom. It was discovered almost a year later. Here's how it re-entered my life: I woke one morning, groggy as hell --like usual-- and I stumbled into the kitchen to make coffee. I glanced at the clock to see the time (why else would I look at the clock?) but I couldn't quite make out the hands of the clock. I momentarily accepted that this was caused by my grogginess. Undaunted, I glanced again. I still could not make out the time so I focus a bit more on the clock, now squinting and rubbing my eyes for clarity. Still I could not see the time. Annoyed, I approach the clock to find the answer to this. Well readers, I couldn't see the time because someone had PLACED THE MEAT STICKER ON THE CLOCK!!!

WOW!

I was excited to realize that Matt had finally been confronted by the sticker on the Disaronno bottle and that the meat sticker was back in my life after such a long hiatus. Obviously I had to re-position the sticker from here. I removed it from the clock and cleverly placed it on the back of Matts "Key-Tar" (for those who don't know, a Key-tar is a keyboard you hold and play like a guitar...a rather ironic instrument itself these days). I return home later and see the Key-tar is moved and my mind starts racing...I examine the back of it but THE MEAT STICKER IS GONE!!!! Where could it be? Was all of this just an extremely pleasant dream??? Did Matt find the new location already??? The moves this little sticker was making were astonishing to me!

I approach Matt with all the applicable realizations and confessions surrounding the exploits of the meat sticker. I explained how we had this whole thing planned from last year and that I was amazed at how he flipped the script on me by placing the sticker on the clock, causing me mometary and additional grief in the wee and despicable hours of the morning. I told him that I re-flipped things when I placed it on his Key-tar but during the course of the conversation I realized, something was missing. That something was THE MEAT STICKER itself!!

I vigorously interrogate Matt as to it's new whereabouts because I can tell that he knows something. He put me through a series of guesses, quizzes and even a game of "you're getting hotter/colder" until I finally discovered that Matt had pulled an unprecidented move and placed the meat sticker on Bobby D's guitar!!! The joy that washed over me hearing this news was intense! This sticker was already enhancing three people's lives and now it gets the chance to help another??? Awesome!

Well, Bobby gets to rehearsal a few days later --not in the best of moods I might add-- and he removes his guitar from it's case. He doesn't notice me taking video of this whole process or Rich and I biting our tongues in order to not break out in premature laughter. He discovers the meat sticker and seems to appreciate it despite his bad mood. Bobby, Rich, Anthony, the meat sticker and I all shared a good chuckle from there and Bobby's mood even got a little better. We then proceeded to shred our music in rehearsal and all of us were a bit happier with the meat sticker involved. Thank you meat sticker!

The meat sticker has even traveled to Brooklyn for our recent show at The Trash Bar. It made an appearance and turned some heads due to it's ironic nature. It contributed to a good set of music and good times, mingled with new friends and basically rocked the whole night away. I believe it's next appearance will be at Maximum Capacity for our concert on June 24th -unless it has other committments by that time.

I know you have one question remaining, "Where are the other two meat stickers that you placed last year ZFJ??" Well dear readers, those have yet to be discovered....AAAAAHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

~ZFJ

Jesus for Prisoners, Rock and Roll Confidential and of course, Fashion

"Yeah...oh yeah....oooh yeah!" Oh, *ahem*...pardon me readers, I was just working on some new lyrics for a song called "Oh No". Hahaa! Well then, on to today's important business of fashion, humor and intrigue.

Yeah.

Seriously, sometimes in life a person, place, event, or whatever else touches your life unexpectedly and in ways you couldn't have imagined previously. Kind of like finding Jesus. "Jesus for Prisoners", if you will (thanks Soffansays!). Sometimes they/it just seem to find you almost like they/it somehow knew you needed to be "saved" by them. Well, just when I felt like there was no more humor in my world -I'm referencing the kind of humor that can actually debilitate a person through laughter- Mr. Matt Silberstein exposed me to "Rock and Roll Confidential.Com". Because of his latest humanitarian gesture in my life (i.e. Rockandrollconfidential.com), I doubt he will see a "CBR-STR Ranking" any time in the near future.

http://www.rockandrollconfidential.com/hall/index.php

There. Now YOU are exposed to this wonderful tool to enhance your life through laughter. The giving just keeps on going here at ZFJ Blog! Don't you fucking forget it (swears are so fucking, shit cool).

Wow. Musicians surely can be a silly bunch at times but these bad-asses have set a new standard. Last evening I was enlightened by these "documentaries" about a few bands that know they are heading for the big time. Their insight and rhetoric is brilliant and they are truly inspiring.

Enjoy:

http://www.rockandrollconfidential.com/rrctv/index.php


~ZFJ

UPDATED Top Ten CBR-STR Rankings

Hello readers. Through the duration of the last month, the CBR-STR efforts of the "elite" athletes were relatively laughable and almost a disgrace. Still, some contenders proved resiliant and creative while others were just plain consistent and diligent. Some have even made it to the CBR-STR for the first time. Either way, it all adds up to them having good times while making "fun" out of "me", my life, my soul and my dreams.

"Chop Bust Rating" or “CBR” is a designated number between 1-100 and will be reflective of recent and/or long standing ball busting, combined with the intensity of the shit talk & skit-making-up and divided by other numbers...then multiplied by still more numbers.

The "STR" -also known as the "Shit Talk Ratio" is an hourly over daily fraction such as “24/7” which represents the bulk amount of ball busting/shit-talking/chop busting that is done weekly. The Top Ten CBR-SBR Rakings will be updated periodically. Below are the current top ten rankings.


1) Christopher "Maurice" Deprey (aka San Fransisco Cocksucker, Iron Chris Deprey) Top Attributes: Good looking, creative, musician, lunatic.
Made The Top Ten because: Although Chris slipped drastically in his consistency in his shit talking and had minimal chop bust intensity last month, he did contribute excellent, thoughtful movie plots scenarios featuring good ole ZFJ as the main characters on my FB wall. However he stopped leaving actually-mean, not-joking messages as FB comments on my profile such as “you piece of shit” and/or “fuck you” which cost him points. He also took the initiative and posted Anita Baker videos on my page, which gained him points. And, he’s planning something new I'm sure.
STR: 24/7
CBR: 93

2) Rich Tardy (aka Rich, Tardy)
Top attributes: Intelligent, band-mate, sells the sizzle, best amigo.
Made the Top Ten because: He is still consistently the most productive person in either coming up with shit to bust on about my life both in my face and/or behind my back. Rich was highly successful in his first political campaign as he took down the most votes via readers poll for the best movie skit posting on my FB wall. Yay! Rich is a key enabler of Rob Driscoll, who has been sitting at the bar late nights drawing pictures of, “supposedly” ZFJ. He also led a recent shit talking session at the bar with Eric Arena, Mick Hubis, my neighbor Scott and of course Rob and Jenni, “The Artists”.
STR: 24/7
CBR: 92

3) Recruit (Aka: Ammo, Seppulon)
Top Attributes: Very cute, brilliant, methodical, calculating
Made The Top Ten because: Wow. Just had to yell at her again because, as I’m typing this, she is tickling my fucking elbow trying to burrow into one of the pillows of my "command station" here on the couch! Damn…Refer to blog post “A few thoughts about Ammo” for background on the battles with my dog. After her defiance reached unprecedented levels of audacity, I was forced to research and find that, my dog is actually trying to out-think me! The pissing on the floor…the couch sitting…flipping her food out of her dog bowl to eat it off the floor...or to enrage me?
STR:(N/A because she can’t talk. Would be: 24/7)
CBR: 90

4) Hollywood G-Man (aka Mike Govoni)
Top Attributes: Can legally shoot me, musician, lives on his own planet, Norm.
Made the Top Ten because: Although G-Man had a generally weak month, after writing the post “Imagine, Nothing to die for. Nothing to kill for. Part I”, it reminded me of how that man destroyed my dear, sweet sport and stripped me of my innocent and honorable thoughts about life. He also contributed solid movies skits and shit talking right on my FB wall. He still does not approve of my lifestyle or existence. Hates my former band. Hates my current band. Hates my future band.
STR: 15/6
CBR: 84

5) Rob Driscoll (aka Bobby D)
Top Attributes: Painfully good looking, hip, musician, artistic.
Made the Top Ten because: He remains a strong administrative/behind the scenes player in Rich's anti-ZFJ efforts. He is enthralled with trying to make me look like shit by drawing ZFJ pictures while drinking his life away at the bar and he continues to enjoy running skits with Rich and other people right in my face. Hates my current band.
STR: 11/7
CBR: 69 :)

6) Anonymous (aka “A Face In The Crowd”)
Top Attributes: Reads ZFJ Blog, hates my current band, has decent vocabulary, plays drums?
Made The Top Ten because: Runs at the mouth via text on this very blog, that is a GOOD thing. Hides behind the “Anonymous” tag which is lame. The mystery commenteer tries to talk all assertive and shit but ends up stammering around with untruths. Read the post, “The 'Left' Side of The Scene and How to Be A 'Northampton Band'", for exciting details.
STR: *Ranking system currently unable to process this data*
Estimate: Life is consumed with hatred of my band and Eric Suher.
CBR:38

7) Jenni Sussman(aka Jennifer Sussman)
Top Attributes: Artistic, “Sneaky Mean”, Gets to hang out with Rob Driscoll a lot, Good friend.
Made The Top Ten Because: She is a key enabler in the ZFJ drawings that Rob spends his days creating and even is gracious enough to lend her art skills to bring the drawings to "life". She also doesn’t like when we listen to mixes loud and she dates Rob, for now…
STR: 8/4
CBR: 37


8) Joseph Mancuso (aka Joey Kiss)
Top Attributes: Hot, cultured, actor, attractive.
Made the Top Ten because: He still joins in AND is a major contributor to ball busting despite being overwhelmed at times with his amazing fucking life. Hates my former band. Even with a pathetic chop bust/shit talk effort last month he did contribute rock solid, consistent movie skits to my FB wall. STR is low because last month, well, I guess his life was just too good to focus on chop busting. Good for him.
STR: 0.653/0.0236 * life still too good to focus enough for higher rating*
CBR: 41

9) Kevin Ace (aka Kevin Ace Demaria)
Top Attributes: Grammar, Wrestling Analysis, Saviour, Wiffle Ball
Made The Top Ten because: Well, let’s say he crawled in to The Top Ten CBR-STR Rankings. Due in part to the paltry efforts of other competitor's chop bust initiatives last month but mostly because of his effective movie skit placements and frequent referencing of a slight lisp I may have at times. The fact that he once raised me from the depths of hell only served to slightly magnify his sub-standard chop bust/shit talk efforts.
STR: 8/3
CBR: 25

10) Matt Silberstein (aka MAtt)
Top Attributes: Facial hair, musician, music knowledge, room-mate.
Made the Top Ten because: Persists in singing Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" en route to the shower. Told me to basically pound sand when I asked to use his bass head for a show and then proceeded to use my bass cab for practice. I wrote this just to get him pissed, which I think worked… Otherwise, his CBR/STR is just in the toilet right now. URGENT REAL TIME UPDATE!!! He just busted in the front door with aggression when I asked him if he has a certain drum stool in his posession! Wow readers, FYI his ranking was literally just "14". He gained 6 points just like that again proving that, the race ain't over until it's over!
STR: 6/2
CBR: 20

Stay tuned for updates as the world class athletes featured right here on ZFJ Blog continue to battle for prestige and power in the CBR-STR Rankings!

~ZFJ

Green Vibrance, Rick Astley & A-guy-who-is-of-a-reputedly-frugal-ethnic-group.

People may think I’m crazy but I’m simply using this blog as a forum to expose the fact that it’s all of you who are crazy. Shit, now I’ve got friends of mine coming up with skits of me being main characters in classic movies and posting this drivel all over my blessed Facebook page –not normal behaviour. Being among a precious few of the sane and righteous members of society as well as a self taught expert on identifying psychotic behaviour and tendencies, it is my mission to enlighten the masses about the real danger that exists in our society. Those who we think are “normal”, non-paranoid and have wholesome thoughts but are actually lying in wait for moments when they can alter our lives with their psychosis. Such as my roommate Matt.

To most people, Matt is a nice guy, a pleasant fellow, an active musician, someone who goes with the flow and someone who buys food that I like to eat. Recently he purchased a bottle of Green Vibrance, which is a very healthy supplement that I regularly use in my morning power shake, and he said I could use a little bit of it if I needed to before I replaced my bottle. Sounds fair enough? One roommate helps out the other roommate -the team concept. Of course, timing is everything and I had just run out of my supply so, I used some of his supply. Then I used a little more, then a little more…and eventually got addicted to using it every day. What a pleasure to not have to trek to the store, reach in my pocket for money and lug the bottle all the way home! Any sane person can see the benefit of this! With my daily use, I did notice that there was sharpie lines drawn on the bottle that would line up when it was closed tightly as well as clear tape which needed to be set back in it’s place when closed and I thought to myself, “That clever J*w! Who does he think he is trying to monitor my usage of his Green Vibrance with these primitive methods??? Does he think he’s slick?? Is he bold enough to think he even has a chance to discover just how much of this I am using???” Ha-HA…fool! I simply lined the sharpie marks up, replaced the tape and continued on with my clever, money saving plan. One day Matt approached me indignantly with, “Hey bro. Are you using my Green Vibrance???” I was like, “Just once or twice man, calm down.” Then, Matt revealed his true psychotic self and divulged that the Sharpie marks and tape were actually decoys and that he had been weighing the bottle daily with a digital scale before he used it and was also recording the “pre-use-weight” on a notepad as the weight decreased each day!!! My jaw hit the ground as I realized I was not only living with a very “frugal” person but, a psychotic person as well. I fessed up to some usage and thought about having surveillance equipment and Private Investigators hired to watch him from that point. I feared for my life at times in light of this new information about his capacity for insanity.

As if that wasn’t enough. Matt decided one day that he was going to sing “Never Gonna Give You Up” by Rick Astley on his way to the shower wearing only a towel (as referenced in the UPDATED: CBR-STR Ranking Blog). The first time I witnessed this, it was humorous and I threw up in my mouth a little. Within a short period of time, I realized that this wasn’t some playful gag and the vision began to burn and distort my thoughts and dreams. I soon realized that he was trying to destroy my mind and soul with this repeated image and make me pay for the Green Vibrance usage. One time I got home and heard the musical intro being hummed from within the confines of the bathroom because he heard the door open!! He couldn’t even miss one time of engraining that song in my head due to his mission to turn me into a lunatic like he is. I am now considering seeking professional help because I cringe whenever I hear these words in any combination: “Never, Gonna, Give, You, Up, Never, Gonna, Let, You, Down…”

So readers, your ole pal ZFJ isn’t the one with the lunacy issues as you can plainly see. I am here, rising like a mountain above the trees of insanity and publically defending those who among us who are sane yet misrepresented by all of those who are simply “out to get us”. If I can find any of you that is…

~ZFJ

UPDATED: Top Ten CBR-SBR Rankings

As my friend and fellow Blogger, http://prewarcondition.blogspot.com would say, "All calls will be answered in the order they were received."

Hello readers. In this blog you will frequently read about things I get my balls busted for and the people responsible for it. Things I like are scrutinized and turned into fun for other people. They create fun for themselves, out of “me”...And, I'm just trying to live over here. I get my balls broken for: My love of Coleslaw, my “control station”, Ranch dressing, my "weight" problem, French dressing, fantasy football, my former band, my current band, Ammo and even the fact that I lost 11 sports bets in a row over the weekend. Hard to do...I do appreciate these people in weird ways. Not hard to do.

I've been devising this ratings report for the last few years but the overall "Chop Bust Rating" or “CBR” will be a designated number between 1-100 and will be reflective of the last year and a half or so of ball busting, combined with the intensity of the shit talk & skit-making-up and divided by other numbers...then multiplied by still more numbers.

The "STR" -also known as the "Shit Talk Ratio" is an hourly over daily fraction such as “24/7” which represents the bulk amount of ball busting/shit-talking/chop busting that is done weekly. The Top Ten CBR-SBR Rakings will be updated periodically. Below are the current top ten rankings.

1) Christopher "Maurice" Deprey (aka San Fransisco Cocksucker, Iron Chris Deprey) Top Attributes: Good looking, creative, musician, lunatic.
Made The Top Ten because: He recently created a skit where I had Gene Simmons (KISS) face makeup on but was in normal clothes during normal situations in every day life. In the skit, the people interacting with me did not ever seem to notice my makeup. He managed to work with Rich Tardy to spread this to at least 20 mutual friends and in excess of 100 different skits before I even knew about it. He also hates my former band. And, there's so much more.
STR: 24/7
CBR: 91

2) Rich Tardy (aka Rich, Tardy)
Top attributes: Intelligent, band-mate, sells the sizzle, best amigo.
Made the Top Ten because: He is consistently the most productive person in either coming up with shit to bust on about my life both in my face and/or behind my back. He also enjoys jumping in/supplementing other shit talking initiatives. And again, so much more.
STR: 24/7
CBR: 87

3) Mick Hubis (aka Demetrios Kanavaros)
Top attributes: Intelligent, grammar, musician, very outspoken.
Made the list because: He just belted me with some blogging about how lame I am. Often created(s) laughter and good times at my expense. Hates my current band. Is still awesome.
STR: 19/6
CBR: 83

4) Hollywood G-Man (aka Mike Govoni)
Top Attributes: Can legally shoot me, musician, is on his own planet, Norm.
Made the Top Ten because: He throws Biblical Proverbs at me and has inspired dullards like Dan D to also throw proverbs at me in efforts to demean me. He also does not approve of my lifestyle or existence. Hates my former band. Hates my current band. Hates my future band.
STR: 20/7
CBR: 75

5) Binaural Chinchilla-Scranton (aka Chet Thunder, Brian O'Toole)
Top attributes: Imaginative, witty, musician, writer.
Made the Top Ten because: Although we don't know each too well, he has posted two blazingly funny and demeaning versions of 1) the mint hotel album and 2) the other night's show @ Maximum Capacity. Also conducts excellent and well spoken smack talk sessions from time to time. Hates my former band. Hates my current band. Hates my future band?
STR: 13/2
CBR: 75

6) Bill Nacewicz (aka Billdo, Douchebag)
Top Attributes: Great Drummer, Whiskey, Beer, Madden (EA Sports)
Made the Top Ten because: He drop kicked me (double leg) in the back after a recording session a few years ago, shot beer into my belly button at a rehearsal and made me endure his drum overplaying for years. Hates my former band. Reads Elf Books. Hated being in a band with someone who was once in my former band :) Will probably be in my future band.
STR: 12/4
CBR: 70

7) Rob Driscoll (aka Bobby D)
Top Attributes: Painfully good looking, hip, musician, artistic.
Made the Top Ten because: He is a strong administrative/behind the scenes player in Rich's anti-ZFJ efforts. He recently worked with accomplice/girlfriend Jenni Sussman to draw the ZFJ cartoon that supposedly looks like me. This was not meant as a compliment. Rob also enjoys running skits with Rich and other people right in my face. Hates my current band.
STR: 12/5
CBR: 69 :)

8) Matt Silberstein (aka MAtt)
Top Attributes: Facial hair, musician, music knowledge, room-mate.
Made the Top Ten because: He decided one day that it is somehow humorous to sing Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" en route to the shower. Wearing only a towel -thank the Gods for the towel. My eyes and my poor little son's eyes have both seen this horror repeatedly. He is regular contributor in chop busting. Also, Just asked him to pack this bowl and he goes “Oh yes sir! Right away sir.” In Jest about me writing this and having him run along to tend to that grunt work. Hates my former band.
STR: 15/4
CBR: 67

9) Colleen Knight (aka the Knight Owl)
Top attributes: Smart, witty, well spoken, works too much.
Made the Top Ten because: I realized that there were no girls on the list. Then I also realized how intensly she busted my chops with Rich about ranch/french dressing, eating too much, Ammo, and my life in general. She, being one of Rich's best friend, has had plenty of laughs at my expense.
STR: 10/1 *too busy/life is too good to focus enough for higher rating*
CBR: 55

10) Joseph Mancuso (aka Joey Kiss)
Top Attributes: Hot, cultured, actor, attractive.
Made the Top Ten because: He joins in AND is a major contributor to ball busting. Hates my former band. Has a much better life than I do.
STR: 10/1 *his life is far too good to focus enough for higher rating*
CBR: 50

Check back for real time updates as these elite athletes and other up-and-comers battle for Top Ten CBR-SBR Ranking honors!

A narcissistic post this was - not even busting your balls there Hubis.

~ZFJ