Ok. Well readers, it's nice that we're all still around to live our lives on this wonderful Monday morning. Unfortunately the lack of The Rapture coming puts a damper on my plans for starting a new religion to dominate the world with, but I'm sure I'll have another chance in the near future.
Anyway. The topic today is vital and of high importance. It is about motivational speeches, of any length --especially the ones found on people's Facebook status updates. I am very much in favor of motivational speeches because I not only aspire to be a professional motivational speaker, I also motivate people to become motivational speakers. I think that motivating people is really great.
Now, here's the issue. I'm including a post I saw very recently on a friend's Facebook wall, not dissing my friend at all ---well, kind of...I guess, but only for this post. Below is the motivational-speech-status-update.
"Who says u can't have problems & also smile? U don’t have 2 suffer just b.c. u have problems. U don’t have 2b happy 2 smile. U can b in a bad mood & smile, & ur mood will turn around. Just fake it 4 a while & it will become real. No, u’re not being a hypocrite if u pretend 2b something u’re not. In this case u r uplifting urself. Just the act of smiling itself will change ur mood, physically, as well as spiritually."
What. The. Fuck??
Yes it IS very motivating but we can do without the "U", "UR"'s and even "U're"'s. Here's a message to all the would-be motivational speakers of the world, and Facebook Walls: USE REAL GRAMMAR PLEASE.
Consider the impact you could have made with this version:
"Who says you can't have problems and also smile? You don’t have to suffer just because you have problems. You don’t have to be happy to smile. You can be in a bad mood & smile, and your mood will turn around. Just fake it for a while & it will become real. No, you’re not being a hypocrite if you pretend to be something you’re not. In this case you are uplifting yourself. Just the act of smiling itself will change your mood, physically, as well as spiritually."
Sounds like a mature adult/solid motivational speaker wrote that one! So, save the cute little fucking abbreviations for your text messaging and when you plan to motivate people via your Facebook Wall, please stick to somewhat proper grammar if possible. Proper grammar will enhance the "weight" of your message and appeal to a broader range of people looking for motivation. Trust me, I am an expert.
~ZFJ
Monday, May 23, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Unprepared for The Rapture?
Well well well intelligent and informed readers. It's been nice writing for you and also personally knowing many of you. You see, according to Harold Camping, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer from Oakland, CA, who founded an independent Christian ministry called Family Radio Worldwide, Jesus will return to the Earth THIS Saturday to take some people to Heaven.
Shit.
Looks like the jig is up folks! And here I am making plans for the weekend and researching road bike brands with hopes of riding at least 1000 miles this summer??? Damn. What's the point of that now?? Anyway. It is "neat" that people like Harold exist in this world. You know, people who devote their life to figuring our when the world will end so they can say, "I told you so!". Even sillier is that MANY people around the planet seem to be buying into this claim. Wow! It's amazing how many humans think they somehow are privy to this sort of information and rather than live fulfilling, productive lives they focus their soul on this type of shit. C'mon now! But wait, Harold has proof:
"Camping's prophecy comes from numerological calculations based on his reading of the Bible, and he says global events like the 1948 founding of Israel confirm his math."
Good enough for me! I am disappointed though. I always planned to party like hell when The Rapture was coming around and considering Harold's in-depth research is probably true, I wish I could go out tonight and really rip it up but alas, I've got other committments. I am unprepared for The Rapture...Dammit!
Here's a link to a story about Harold and The Rapture:
http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2011/05/end_of_the_world_on_may_21_how.html#incart_hbx
Amazing how people can convince themselves of anything.
There is a silver lining to The Rapture for most of us. You see, only the "good" people will be brought to Heaven to enjoy eternal salvation while Earth will exist in a period of turmoil until the planet is eventually destroyed. Considering that most priests, preachers and many other people will no longer be on the Earth past Saturday, we will have opportunities galore! Let's start a business like Bart Centre did. Bart Centre is an Atheist from New Hampshire who started Eternal Earth-Bound Pets in 2009 for pets who won't be joining the "chosen" few in Heaven. All you have to do is pay the premium for a 10 year coverage plan and your pet will be cared for. Awesome! Recently his subscriptions have gone up.
My plan is much more grandoise than that and I know many of you brilliant readers will be excited to hear this idea. I intend to start a massive cult that I will feign as a new religion (don't tell anyone that it's a cult or, YOU WILL BE DESTROYED). So, as you know there isn't a lot of money in cults these days but there is a ton of money to be made in organized religion and I'm planning on getting my cut after Saturday passes!! I will be referred to as "Seppulan the Great" going forward for the sake of mystique and power. I'm looking for dedicated, passionate and convincing people who want to be in the "inner circle of power and clarity" (working title) with me...we can brainstorm for majestic sounding titles and other necessities over the weekend as we are kind of strapped for time to get this "religion" a foothold around the world. Also, I'll need some very creative and organized people to help me come up with what we're actually worshopping, our new rules and other necessary shit. People with previous experience running cults are encouraged to contact me through this blog. I'm looking for unique and original ideas please, no fucking spaceships, UFO's or bullshit like that please. I want this to be very "authentic" so we can all cash in and revel in it....at least for a little while.
~Seppulan the Great (ZFJ)
Shit.
Looks like the jig is up folks! And here I am making plans for the weekend and researching road bike brands with hopes of riding at least 1000 miles this summer??? Damn. What's the point of that now?? Anyway. It is "neat" that people like Harold exist in this world. You know, people who devote their life to figuring our when the world will end so they can say, "I told you so!". Even sillier is that MANY people around the planet seem to be buying into this claim. Wow! It's amazing how many humans think they somehow are privy to this sort of information and rather than live fulfilling, productive lives they focus their soul on this type of shit. C'mon now! But wait, Harold has proof:
"Camping's prophecy comes from numerological calculations based on his reading of the Bible, and he says global events like the 1948 founding of Israel confirm his math."
Good enough for me! I am disappointed though. I always planned to party like hell when The Rapture was coming around and considering Harold's in-depth research is probably true, I wish I could go out tonight and really rip it up but alas, I've got other committments. I am unprepared for The Rapture...Dammit!
Here's a link to a story about Harold and The Rapture:
http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2011/05/end_of_the_world_on_may_21_how.html#incart_hbx
Amazing how people can convince themselves of anything.
There is a silver lining to The Rapture for most of us. You see, only the "good" people will be brought to Heaven to enjoy eternal salvation while Earth will exist in a period of turmoil until the planet is eventually destroyed. Considering that most priests, preachers and many other people will no longer be on the Earth past Saturday, we will have opportunities galore! Let's start a business like Bart Centre did. Bart Centre is an Atheist from New Hampshire who started Eternal Earth-Bound Pets in 2009 for pets who won't be joining the "chosen" few in Heaven. All you have to do is pay the premium for a 10 year coverage plan and your pet will be cared for. Awesome! Recently his subscriptions have gone up.
My plan is much more grandoise than that and I know many of you brilliant readers will be excited to hear this idea. I intend to start a massive cult that I will feign as a new religion (don't tell anyone that it's a cult or, YOU WILL BE DESTROYED). So, as you know there isn't a lot of money in cults these days but there is a ton of money to be made in organized religion and I'm planning on getting my cut after Saturday passes!! I will be referred to as "Seppulan the Great" going forward for the sake of mystique and power. I'm looking for dedicated, passionate and convincing people who want to be in the "inner circle of power and clarity" (working title) with me...we can brainstorm for majestic sounding titles and other necessities over the weekend as we are kind of strapped for time to get this "religion" a foothold around the world. Also, I'll need some very creative and organized people to help me come up with what we're actually worshopping, our new rules and other necessary shit. People with previous experience running cults are encouraged to contact me through this blog. I'm looking for unique and original ideas please, no fucking spaceships, UFO's or bullshit like that please. I want this to be very "authentic" so we can all cash in and revel in it....at least for a little while.
~Seppulan the Great (ZFJ)
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
The Devils Claw
Hello readers.
Hunter S. Thompson was once quoted as saying, "I have a theory that the truth is never told between 9-5 business hours."
I think what he's getting at here is the generally un-natural premise of getting up in the morning, dressing in a certain pre-determined manner, engaging in an often-times violent and competitive commute and eventually arriving at your detination of: Work. When at work, let the rat race begin.
Work:
"Noun
1. exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; labor; toil.
2. something on which exertion or labor is expended; a task or undertaking: The students finished their work in class.
3. productive or operative activity"
Work:
"Verb (used without object)
16. to do work; labor.
17. to be employed, especially as a means of earning one's livelihood: He hasn't worked for six weeks.
18. to be in operation, as a machine."
So, we work. We plug right in and we work. We want to make money to pay for things we enjoy/need and hopefully we have money left over to actually enjoy our lives and make OUR decisions. It's a fact of life for the majority of Americans that we will work for someone who is calling the shots and we will be subject to their decisions and parameters for how we will conduct ourselves during the 9-5 hours. When they "own" our time, we will do what it takes to succeed and even "get ahead" in this environment to hopefully ensure more money and maybe even decision making powers down the line.
However, my point is not that people work. It is about some of the tactics employed by CEO's and other decision makers use to help ensure productive and attentive employees. I'm not talking about job perks such as a healthy work/life balance, bonus time off or money for jobs well done or flexible arrival schedules. No dear readers, I am referring to tactics employed at the most basic level. Tactics that not only save the company money but also remind us who the fuck is making decisions around here!
I'm talking about "The Devil's Claw".
What is Devil's Claw you ask? Well, you've heard of Angel Soft toilet paper perhaps? Angel Soft is a "bath tissue" we get to enjoy when we are making the decisions! When we are in control and looking out for our own best interests! We choose Angel Soft, among other beneficial decisions, because it is wonderfully soft and, DOESN'T BREAK INTO LITTLE FUCKING PIECES THAT GET LODGED IN OUR FUCKING ASS CRACKS!!! Here's an example of where CEO's apply the expression "The devil is in the details". See folks, there is a "brand" of general/bulk products designated for use by employees while at work. This brand is "cost effective". This brand is "good enough" for us commoners who are not in the drivers seat between 9-5. While this brand encompasses many types of products it seems to feature a particular type of "bath tissue" for the general worker.
This "bath tissue" is the CEO's best friend. It usually has two-ply paper which contributes to it's ease in breaking apart, it is flimsy at best, and may even have hints of wonderful wood grains in it. Inevitably, during a work day, a worker will have to take a break or three, in order to relieve themself via the toilet. CEO's have been briefed by their middle and upper management teams that this type of activity detracts from one's productivity. As a result, CEO's and other 9-5 decision makers have made provisions that will guarantee "attentive" employees upon returning from these little breaks.
So, you take a break and you return. You're relieved in one sense and tormented in another. You can't sit still, are agitated and have no choice but to "get mad"! You are attentive by force and productive by choice from that point. While this kind of tactic really "chaps my ass", I realize that the writing is already on the wall for me and my bathroom breaks and that writing ominously reads:
"The Devils Claw"
And on that note...
~ZFJ
Hunter S. Thompson was once quoted as saying, "I have a theory that the truth is never told between 9-5 business hours."
I think what he's getting at here is the generally un-natural premise of getting up in the morning, dressing in a certain pre-determined manner, engaging in an often-times violent and competitive commute and eventually arriving at your detination of: Work. When at work, let the rat race begin.
Work:
"Noun
1. exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; labor; toil.
2. something on which exertion or labor is expended; a task or undertaking: The students finished their work in class.
3. productive or operative activity"
Work:
"Verb (used without object)
16. to do work; labor.
17. to be employed, especially as a means of earning one's livelihood: He hasn't worked for six weeks.
18. to be in operation, as a machine."
So, we work. We plug right in and we work. We want to make money to pay for things we enjoy/need and hopefully we have money left over to actually enjoy our lives and make OUR decisions. It's a fact of life for the majority of Americans that we will work for someone who is calling the shots and we will be subject to their decisions and parameters for how we will conduct ourselves during the 9-5 hours. When they "own" our time, we will do what it takes to succeed and even "get ahead" in this environment to hopefully ensure more money and maybe even decision making powers down the line.
However, my point is not that people work. It is about some of the tactics employed by CEO's and other decision makers use to help ensure productive and attentive employees. I'm not talking about job perks such as a healthy work/life balance, bonus time off or money for jobs well done or flexible arrival schedules. No dear readers, I am referring to tactics employed at the most basic level. Tactics that not only save the company money but also remind us who the fuck is making decisions around here!
I'm talking about "The Devil's Claw".
What is Devil's Claw you ask? Well, you've heard of Angel Soft toilet paper perhaps? Angel Soft is a "bath tissue" we get to enjoy when we are making the decisions! When we are in control and looking out for our own best interests! We choose Angel Soft, among other beneficial decisions, because it is wonderfully soft and, DOESN'T BREAK INTO LITTLE FUCKING PIECES THAT GET LODGED IN OUR FUCKING ASS CRACKS!!! Here's an example of where CEO's apply the expression "The devil is in the details". See folks, there is a "brand" of general/bulk products designated for use by employees while at work. This brand is "cost effective". This brand is "good enough" for us commoners who are not in the drivers seat between 9-5. While this brand encompasses many types of products it seems to feature a particular type of "bath tissue" for the general worker.
This "bath tissue" is the CEO's best friend. It usually has two-ply paper which contributes to it's ease in breaking apart, it is flimsy at best, and may even have hints of wonderful wood grains in it. Inevitably, during a work day, a worker will have to take a break or three, in order to relieve themself via the toilet. CEO's have been briefed by their middle and upper management teams that this type of activity detracts from one's productivity. As a result, CEO's and other 9-5 decision makers have made provisions that will guarantee "attentive" employees upon returning from these little breaks.
So, you take a break and you return. You're relieved in one sense and tormented in another. You can't sit still, are agitated and have no choice but to "get mad"! You are attentive by force and productive by choice from that point. While this kind of tactic really "chaps my ass", I realize that the writing is already on the wall for me and my bathroom breaks and that writing ominously reads:
"The Devils Claw"
And on that note...
~ZFJ
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