Friday, July 22, 2011

Your driving sucks, death cloud, BBQ time

Hey there hot reader! ZFJ is back in action with a post that will ramble, bore, inform, enlighten and help you waste a few minutes at work until you're free. If you're not working today then, well, fuck you. Then again, it IS like 150 degrees out there so I'm not missing much.


So I stopped at the Mall a minute ago to get some gear/supplies for tomorrow's BBQ (the Chris Nelson Gala BBQ Bash) and I get stuck driving behind some asshole who: was going slow, then fast, then slow...who also doesn't use a turn signal at any point to let anyone know he was intending to turn. The guy was also throwing trash out of his window sporadically, adding to my displeasure of him and his car being temporarily in my life. Nice. The littering did answer why he was going slow off and on though. Apparently he was busy opening shit in the car (slowing down)--most likely junk food-- then he would throw out a wrapper or two, (he would then speed up after unwrapping the tasty morsel he was working on), then he slowed down again (most likely opening the next slice of junk food). Then, more littering. Sped up. Slowed down. No signal to turn. Altered my life for a few minutes. Wanted to kill. Douche bag.

I've often said that the way people drive is a reflection of the way they live. No further comments.

Now, on to some exciting news! As advertised, I am taking fairly extensive measures to ensure that my guests for the Chris Nelson Gala BBQ Bash are not going to be overly harassed by awful, malicious mosquitoes all day and night while partying. I've got some sweet sunblock/anti-bug repellant (no DEET in it), some Non-DEET bug wipes, citronella candles and tiki torches. That's a recipe for a strong mosquito defense shield in my opinion. Still, I felt a void. Something was missing in my elaborate web of mosquito defense. I realized that I needed to find a way to bring the war closer to where these creatures live and to strike a decisive blow against them on their home turf. All the defense in the world is great, but the abhorrent little devils would still get to fly around on the attack, harassing people while they are trying to party.

That void was filled when I stumbled upon "Cutter. Backyard Bug Control" at Target. "Cutter. backyard Bug Control" is a spray can fogger that "Treats up to 1,200 cu feet. For use in backyards, patios, Decks & Picnic Areas. Kills annoying Mosquitoes, Gnats, Flies, Wasps, Flying Moths & Ants."

I was joyful, to say the least, with the discovery of my new weapon and I felt complete. Now I, "The Angel of Death", will descend upon the homelands of these vile creatures, fogger can in hand, and will release a death cloud upon them the likes of which they cannot possibly anticipate or prepare for!

bwaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Rest easy party-goers.

Now, if I could just find a way to get the temperature below 80 (it's going to be around 100 degrees tomorrow, fuck that.)

I know, I know...I write about my battles with mosquitoes a lot. It' just that I despise them, and also have no life. What do you want from me???

I know, I know...this blog sucked, bad. But it's better than being outside doing hard labor in this opressive heat. Right? See everything is in fact, relative.


Saturday, July 9, 2011

Bruce Lee

Last night...

I was chillin, had some brief banter with Matt in the kitchen and I had just grabbed a bag of Red-Hot tortilla chips to feed on during the banter. Sudddenly, Matt alerted me to the presence of a malevolent marauding mosquito who was lying in wait for blood on the bathroom door.

Without any hesitation or pre-meditated attack plans, I move in the direction of the blood-sucking would-be villan, still with the bag of Red-Hot Tortilla chips in my left hand.

The over-confident vile insect immediately flew towards me in what it thought would surely be the easiest target of its parasitic evening considering my left hand was "occupied". Without any thought or what seemed like pre-meditated attack plans, it saw me and flew right at me to attack. And I could tell it had no visions of anything other than success....and blood.

The two impromptu combatants moved dutifully towards each other with calm urgency. They would confront each other on this relaxing evening and unbeknownst to them, were destined to be immortalized in the chronicles of combat history in what would come to be known as a "clash of titans". Both competent and completely self-assured of achieving their lustful objectives, there could only be one victor.

My enemy flew into range. I release the bag of Red-Hot Tortilla chips from the clutches of my left hand --effectively activating the other half of what has come to be known by mosquitoes as "The Death Clap" weapon, but better known to humans as "my two hands"-- and in one fluid and efficient motion as the bag falls to the floor, I lock my sights onto the over-confident flying fool, swing both halves of "The Death Clap" weapon, and with precise and deadly accuracy, I connect on the target with a righteous and decisive --"SLAP!!"

....the bag hit the floor at the exact point when the "SLAP!!" resonated around the battleground (my kitchen), much like the shot heard round the world. It was all over in less than one second. Crushed in my left hand, I verify the end of this loathesome and fool-hardy mosquito. I calmly wash my hands of it, retrieve the bag of Red-Hot Tortilla chips and move on with my relaxing evening.

To that mosquito, I was Bruce Lee.


Friday, July 8, 2011

There is no escape...

From reality TV.

People who know ZFJ know that I like TV shows that catch ghosts on video, take still shot photos of things that are obviously ghosts and otherwise prove their existence by whatever means necessary.

I am currently watching "Paranormal Challenge".

What is "Paranormal Challenge" you ask?? Well my dear reader, I think this question is best answered by taking a journey into the past with good ole' ZFJ...a journey to a time when things were pure.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a few years ago and I was home on a Friday night in late summer-- Yeah?? So what? Anyway....So, as I was saying, I was home on a Friday night and was flipping through the channels looking for something that would further enforce the period of relaxation I was having. I hit the Travel Channel and much to my delight, I discovered "Ghost Adventures".

Life changed.

My life rapidly changed from the things I witnessed on this TV show where Zak Bagans, a muscle-bound menace and Ghost Hunter, ERR, *ahem* excuse me, he is a "Paranormal Investigator", and his crew Nick and Aaron go hunt down ghosts and demons around the globe. Turns out Zak is also the glorious founder of the show. My excitement was exceeded only by my accelerated faith that ghosts did in fact exist, as evidenced from the Ghost Adventures TV Show!! I knew it. My jaw dropped as I could not believe the visions captured by the Ghost Adventures crew during their journies into hardcore "underground" haunted places. There were shadow figures getting caught on cameras, "EVP",s (Electronic Voice Phenomenom, aka "Disembodied Voices"), obvious ghosts lurking around and caught in still photographs and many other noises and stuff. Not to mention, Zak goes around the "lockdown area" taunting, challenging and talking shit to these ghosts and demons that are inhabiting the "lockdown area" to the point that it made me feel safe in my own home. Tension. Suspense. Fear. Terrifying music. I naturally rejoiced upon my discovery of this TV show that was exposing real ghosts to the world and general public. Indeed, A show that proved I was right and that ghosts did in fact exist! I didn't sleep much that night. Mostly due to the excitement of this new TV discovery, and the realization that ghosts were more than likely floating around my house.

But Everything in life had suddenly become clear.

Next season was different though. It almost seemed like this whole thing wasn't real anymore. It was like they were acting or something. Zak was more jacked up and muscle-bound than ever, "lockdown areas" were getting more mainstream and sensationalized while Zak, Nick and Aaron, "The Crew", hammed it up maybe a little too much? No, definitely too much. They would suddenly flip out, get "sick" and "possesed" as they allegedly felt a spirit float by. Or sometimes they claimed it flew through their body....Ooooooooooh....They made scary faces with their eyes popping out and varied other broken looks as they feigned confusion and possession from the wandering spirits. However, they still managed to catch many ghosts walking around on video, still recorded many disembodied voices, took still photos of things that were obviously ghosts, and other weird stuff was also caught on video.

But something wasn't "right" and things didn't feel as clear as they once did.

And tonight, as I relax once again, I decide to check out the Travel Channel. There a find a show airing called "Paranormal Challenge" and I happened to tune in right as they were reviewing video and other evidence from a team of Ghost Hunters that I did not recognize (mind you, I know who all of the celebrity Ghost Hunters are). It was then I saw Zak Bagans. He had a few other people around him, seemingly in consultative and/or advisory roles and I didn't get it right away....they were comparing video from opposing Ghost Hunter teams......then, as if waking from a dream, I realized that Zak Bagans, the legendary Ghost Hunter and founder of Ghost Adventures was the distinguished host of A REALITY GAME SHOW THAT PITTED GHOST HUNTING CREWS AGAINST EACH OTHER TO SEE WHO CAN GET THE BEST EVIDENCE!!! What. The. Fuck??

Please read this excerpt from Wikipedia:

"Paranormal Challenge is an American paranormal competitive reality spinoff television series that premiered on June 17, 2011 on the Travel Channel. The series was created and is hosted by Ghost Adventures lead investigator Zak Bagans, who challenges ghost hunters from all over the country to go head-to-head in a weekly ghost hunting competition to gather paranormal evidence by spending a night in haunted locations in the United States. New episodes air on Fridays at 9 p.m. Eastern Time on the Travel Channel."

Well now. I guess I'm just old fashioned but it seems to me that something as serious and important such as Ghost Hunting probably shouldn't be dumbed down and commercialized into a competitive reality show for bragging rights. Going forward, I can't see the ghosts and demons at the various "lockdown areas" "playing ball" anymore. I don't think the ghosts are going to appreciate being slighted in this manner. I don't think they're going to take kindly to being treated like some afterthought by the competitors and the host of this reality TV show. I think they will strike back with decisive proof that they should not be "slept on" like the competitors and host of this show are currently doing, and I'll be watching...waiting for it.

Gosh, was I rambling there?

Nope. All rambling back there, just re-read it...that was well written indeed, anyway. Zak Bagans, like my good friend Kevin "Ace" Demaria once did, raised me from the depths of hell when I needed it most. But unlike Kevin "Ace" Demaria, Zak Bagans dragged me right back to hell the first chance he got.

My faith is tested still.


Grey area...


Been on a bit of a mental hiatus recently.

Lot's going on though.

Will continue with this blogs content very soon.

Once I feel like going off about stuff.

Or, whatever...