Friday, July 6, 2012

At Dunkin Donuts Customers can...F*CK OFF!


Quick one here folks, because my mind was just blown. Now, we've all had hit or miss service at the various Dunkin Donuts we all frequent from time to time. Right? Of course! I mean, there's no way we should expect that people can be happy who are sitting in a little booth (drive through), or taking orders at the counter in front of an impatient line of sleep-deprived people in horrid need of caffeine. That can't make a person happy...but that IS what they signed up for.

Just sayin'...

So just about an hour ago, after picking up my sidekick from school, I decided to swing by the drive through at a Dunkin Donuts on King St. It's quickly apparent to me that they're in a busy stretch as I fall into the line of cars, full of people wanting stuff from Dunkin Donuts. I finally get to the giant order "menu" and I am greeted with a very un-enthused young womans voice mumbling what I thought was "ulcone-a-bwintow-indon...utzayee ta untwah"? (Translates to "Welcome to Dunkin Donuts, may I take your order?" I say "I'm sorry, I can't hear you."

Bad fucking move.

She lashes out with a non-mumbled greeting of "What would you like??" (with extra snap to it). I give her the information for what I would like: "I'd like a large Ice Coffee please. Cream and Sugar, but can you just add a bit of cream? I don't like it when it's too light." She replies with "Uh huh". I thank her and she says, in the most "fuck-my-life" sort of way, "Drive up"....barely even pronouncing the words as she utters them. I pull up to the window and she presents me with my large Ice Coffee.

Of course, it is almost white from the amount of cream she's put in it.

I politely ask Wanda (that's her name) if she can prepare me another Ice coffee because I don't like it like that. Folks, she literally gave me a look of "are-you-fucking-seriously-asking-me-to-go-and-prepare-you-another-coffee-with-the-day-I'm-having-you-jerk-off??" ....She actually then says to me "Seriously??" My mind was rather blown at this point because, I am just a person who wants to pay Dunkin Donuts to make me a coffee the way I would prefer it. No personal attack. No ill-will. No animosity towards her. I just wanted an Ice coffee with not a ton of cream in it, dammit. Anyway, while she's giving me attitude (and not going to prepare me a new coffee by the way) I have to say to her, "No, Seriously. That's why I asked you at the drive up for a very small amount of cream. Because I don't like it too light..."

Well, that part got through to her because she huffed and puffed her way through the 15 second ordeal of making me a new coffee (with some extra saliva in it now, I'm sure). She returns to the window with a demonstrative "How's this?? Light enough for you??" (readers, this all really happened...I know it seems far-fetched, but it did actually happen). I say "Yeah, that looks good...thanks!" But Wanda wasn't quite finished showing me how she treats asshole customers like myself. She sarcastically asks if I'd like to sample the Ice Coffee before I leave, to make sure it tastes good too. I said "No thanks, I'm sure it's fine...", as I try to escape her evil presence.

But Wanda hadn't yet completed my "lesson" of "how to not be a fucking selfish, pushy customer". Wanda wryly says, "No really, please taste it to make sure it's ok" I chuckle a bit now, the kind of chuckle I give to someone who is fucking with me. A chuckle of, "shit. You better be fucking happy that I'm in a good mood Wanda. Or else I'd blow up the building with you in it. Or at least be a tattle-tale and let your manager know how you do things around here...". Meanwhile, a dude approaches the window and gives me the wrong change ($.73 short, I had given Wanda a $20 before she went to "fix" me up with a new coffee. The bill was $2.37), this happened quickly --and added to my confusion--, as I was being forced to try the new and improved Ice coffee (which I'm sure Wanda added a lil' something to).....I taste the coffee and it is indeed right-on-the-money, taste-wise. I let her know this and I get the most insincere, sarcastic "fuck you" of an exit greeting: "Have a nice daay".

Shit. I wasn't even pissed. And I think I learned something today? You will get your fucking coffee how THEY want you to have it. And if you ask for it to be YOUR way, they will give you holy hell for that, at Dunkin Donuts....From time to time....


Sunday, July 1, 2012

"Eye of The Tiger", a message from a Champion.

"Champions aren't made in the gyms. Champions are made from something they have deep inside them - a desire, a dream, a vision." --Muhammad Ali

"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever." --Lance Armstrong

"I can beat anyone, either male, female, animal, vegitable, or mineral." --Jim Cornette

"The time your game is most vulnerable is when you're ahead, never let up." --Rod Laver

"I don't run away from a challenge because I am afraid. Instead, I run toward it because the only way to escape fear is to trample it beneath your feet." --Nadia Comaneci

"Just when you think you know the answers, I change the questions." --"Rowdy" Roddy Piper

"I'll beat him so bad he'll need a shoehorn to put his hat on." --Muhammad Ali

"To win takes a complete commitment of mind and body. When you can't make that commitment, they don't call you a champion anymore." --Rocky Marciano

"My power is discombobulatingly devastating. It's ludricrous these mortals even attempt to enter my realm." --Mike Tyson

"Lie down so I can recognise you." --Willie Pep

Hello readers.

As I sit here reflecting, on this eve-of-the-eve of a day that will prove to contain what will be considered one of my greatest achievements, I've chosen to include some quotes delivered by some of my fellow "Champions". I feel these quotes epitomize me amazingly well as a current, and reigning Eating Champion. "Champion" meaning, many people have challenged me, but no person has defeated me. Yes...You did read that correctly, " person has defeated me." I know, I know. It seems unreasonable that a person could exist at such a lofty height with not only the title of "Champion" but also the day-to-day fulfillment of being a natural-athlete within the esteemed sport of, Eating. Well readers, this person does exist at that level.

So, for your reading pleasure, here's a couple stories of shattered dreams, fractured lives and regret-filled existences from just a couple of the many who have been defeated, bettered by your champion, in Fully-Sanctioned eating contests, of course....

Quite a spell ago, a man called "The Yetti", a large, dull, blowhard type of a man, an uninformed man....a man who for some reason really thought he could defeat me. He even made a scene about it whilst mutually attending our friend's wrestling event in Enfield CT, filling the room with so much hot air that a couple people fainted, as he publicly challenged your champion (Me). Yes indeed, The Yetti had a large, loud mouth. And subsequently, whilst mutually attending Hollywood G-Man's Gala Wrestlemania Sunday event, was destroyed; humiliated; changed; at the hands of your champion. The Yetti, for all his dullard size and oxen strength, could only muster up the grit to consume 15 pieces of Pizza Makers (brand) Party Size Combination pizza. Your champion had already consumed 17 pieces by the point of his surrender, and decided to continue eating until number 23 was down the hatch. The Yetti has not been seen anywhere near a Fully-Sanctioned eating event since, but he is always welcome in under-card matches sometimes held before a main event.

And then there was Gary....Gary was the "resident eating master" at a former job. Oh yes, all my colleagues crooned about his electrifying eating-feats...."oh, nobody can eat more than Gary..." ....."Gary's incredible..." ....."he ate 55 wings at Thodores while we all watched Monday Night Football...". Boy, they really thought Gary had the blood of a Champion; The Eye of The Tiger.

I thought Gary was a casual hack; a light joke --when it came to eating.

The gauntlet was dropped! Gary and I would do battle at Theodores to see who could consume the most wings at a Fully-Sanctioned Monday Night Football Wing Eating Event (the wings were cheap on this night). The wings were ordered. They arrived. I set upon them like a starving lion....methodically devouring them -rarely taking a breath- , ....after just under an hour, I came out of the trance-like sexual blackout I had been in while eating those wings to find, I had eaten 56 wings in just under that hour!!! Co-workers were cheering, reveling and back-patting. I was taken aback by this reception because, after all, Gary was their hero, their champion. Then I found out that Gary had indeed eaten 55 wings, IN A WHOLE NIGHT. I ate 56 wings in one hour. Gary stopped at 55 wings that night, he said, "out of respect for what you've accomplished here tonight...".

But why do I tell you these grand tales of victory? Well, because I am soon to be faced with what could be my fiercest competitor to date, George Lenker ( And I want George to hear of my prowess....See folks, George is a writer, a food/restaurant taste-maker (pardon the pun) and quite possibly delusional. Delusional only because he has challenged me, your champion, to a Fully-Sanctioned Pizza Eating Event!! (To be held on July 3rd) Readers, as I sit here, preparing my Body, mind and spirit for the battle of destony looming ahead, I feel a serenity come to me, much like a woodland lake just before dusk.... I feel in advance the salvation of awareness I shall soon bestow upon a human who does not yet know who he is. He will soon know that he can't eat quite as fast as he thought....For I shall reign supreme against Mr. George Lenker on July 3rd.


It's also a pizza party and charity event, Donations at the door and the "saltine challenge" table will given to The United Way.

Facebook Event: