Thursday, August 18, 2011

Getting the edge?

Hi there.

I finally got over my debilitating addiction to Angry Birds. If you don't know what that is, don't look it up. Don't start playing either...just don't.

Anyway, I'm gearing up for my annual full-blown NFL football addiction which by all counts seems to be more intense than ever before. As an added bonus, I've got some extra time right now to nurture my addiction as I happened to lose my job last week. More about that funny little situation later, it's a good thing overall --other than financially of course. This post is just a thought stream, a discovery and an "insider" money making idea though. You'll be both reassured and wondering why you read the whole thing by the end of it.

So, occasionally the items that make their homes in the nooks of the shower end up mysteriously on the floor of the shower approximately every 3-5 weeks. These are just simple items such as shampoo and body wash, including "Domain" body wash. They all fit nicely and methodically in these nooks and are not ever in jeapordy of falling. But they do fall sometimes with no obvious explanation, and there they were again today. My analytical and uncomfortably accurate brain went through it's automatic qualifying and default processes and came up with the only logical answer:

It's a ghost.

Now, of course I cycled through the possibilities of other causes such as a very small earthquake, a large wind burst hitting the house or possibly me, Matt or one of the neighbors slamming a nearby cabinet door or falling into the adjacent shower enclosure thus causing enough force to shake the items off. I went through various other possibilities including other underground phenomena and various human errors that could cause this. I deduced that it is a ghost who musters up just enough energy every 3-5 weeks to be able knock almost all the things off the shower every few weeks. Wow ghost, you're making a real "big" statement there huh?

Seriously. If that's all you've got then by all means proceed, if that's what floats your boat. Just keep yourself in line and while you're floating around (if you even have enough energy built up to consistently do that), make sure to take note of how much overall energy I have over here on the human side of things. That's right buddy. I know you see me running all over the place doing all sorts of tasks requiring energy don't you? Yeah that's right, so if you get out of line I will find a way to fuck you up. Clear? I'm not really "moved" by your invisible-ness and your pushing of relatively light weight shower items off of their perches anyway, ok? Plus you can't even knock ALL the items off! It seems that you're not something or a former "someone" I am worried about.

However, we may be able to find a way to profit from this partnership. If you posess powers that can allow you to see into the future, I'd like to chat. Assuming you're reading this blog of course, which most likely you are. I don't really know how to reach you otherwise because the only signs of you that I've seen are from your little shower enclosure antics. Anyway, I'd be interested in the outcomes of certain sporting events if ya know what I mean?? Hint hint...ok? Going forward, please save your energy and make an appearance or something. I'd like to ask you if you have the aforementioned powers or not, and the NFL regular season is only a few weeks away so hop to it!!! If you can in fact see into the future then I think you've found yourself a permanent home.

If not, please stop knocking shit off the shower nooks and put yourself to better float around and dust the furniture or something? THAT would be impressive. And don't get any ideas of trying to "scare" anybody around here. Not gonna fly pal, just not gonna fly ok? to you soon.

There you have it readers. I know it's quite reassuring to know that your house is not the only one with a ghost(s) in it.

Bye now.


Monday, August 8, 2011

The Common Sense Cowboys

Sooo, Work is not in the cards today for good ole' ZFJ. Got some shit to take care of...

I had to make a stop at Radio Shack to purchase a new HDMI cable in hopes that it can fix my ailing TV's issues. A quick sidenote, Radio Shack employees go for the throat, sales-wise that is. The guy working there asks a few basic questions about the way my TV has been acting and I answer him. He goes into the "...that doesn't sound like a HDMI cable thing. That sounds like a TV issue..." spiel. Conveniently enough they just happen to sell TV's at Radio Shack. You think he would have liked for me to just say "Fuck it. How much for that 40" Flat Screen over there rather than this $15 cable?" Anyway. The new cable fixed the problem...

Driving by Autozone on the way out I view an Autozone employee standing outside having a cigarette. He looks like his life depended on that cigarette break. He had an smirky, over-confident and almost cocky look to his grizzled face. I've often wondered why these Autozone employees seem to all have this "look" when they're out on cigarette break? Behind the counter they look like they're just tired of your shit and they just can't believe you don't know what ball joint is. They work hard dealing with the stupid general public all day long but when they get on those cigarette breaks, it's time to spread their wings! If you look closely, it's like they're looking down on the rest of the world when they're donning the Autozone colors.

Are these people superior to other people? Should I know all this shit about car parts? This used to perplex me to the point that I would avoid the store until I studied and built up enough knowledge of any part I may have needed in order to not feel like a stupid piece of shit walking out of there.

But the answer hit me today and I figured it out. They just have WAY more common sense than we do in the first place and while on their cigarette break, it is their time to vent and snicker about how fucking stupid we all are. Think about it, they spend hours dealing with driveling, confused dullards who ask too many questions about how to install the alternator they just bought, or which air freshener is best for their car. One after the other the hapless customers ask a million stupid questions, effectively whittling down the customer service temperment of these car-repair/part seller gurus. Through the course of the day they realize just how much more common sense they have than we do. A whole shit ton more! As a result we see them standing out on front of the store like some kind of celebrity, comparing "stupid customer" stories with each other and generally reinforcing their unusually high common sense levels.

Eventually you would be the same if you worked there. Shit, after answering two thousand questions about spark plugs and air filters that in your opinion any person should know, you'd have the same reaction when on your cigarette breaks. You'll develop such acute common sense skills when prescribing the correct type of wax to use on your car that it will naturally give you a feeling of superiority which you then can radiate to your colleauges while on your cigarette breaks. Oh and, don't you worry if you don't smoke cigarettes, you will within one month of working that job.


Wednesday, August 3, 2011

True love?

Greetings readers.

Have you ever questioned your love? Have you ever questioned whether what you are doing or involved in is really the right thing for your life and your soul? Have you ever stepped back and asked yourself the "difficult" questions?

I sure have.

First, I must preface this post with some facts. The NFL Football season time of year is hands down my favorite time of year. No matter what may be going on in my life during this time of year, it is positively enhanced when there's football. I love it. I also have been a loyal fan of the Miami Dolphins football team for a million years.

That said, recently I've been doing some intense soul searching after a trusted ---albeit ball-busting--- friend challenged the very essence of my life with regards to my love for the Miami Dolphins football team. Wow. To question a persons love/loyalty of their chosen football team is huge but this questioning was much bigger than even he could have imagined. See, he didn't just question my love for the Miami Dolphins football team.

He accused me of loving the New England Patriots football team!

Now, anyone who has even a vague idea of NFL football would know that, considering the Dolphins and Patriots are rivals in the same division, it is not only horrible to like two teams in the same division but would actually render a person a "pink hat" football fan if they liked rival teams in the same division. If you do that you may as well pick your favorite team based on their uniform colors or which players have the nicest asses. You just cannot do that kind of thing in NFL Football. Loyalty, honor and trust are keys when indulging in Football "life" and I've spent many years as a Dolphins fan through the good times and the shit times. The shit times unfortunately have been abundant and have decisively overshadowed any "good" times as of late.

But I stay loyal. I stand by the team every year despite their lack of effort to get a quality Quarterback. Despite their questionable choices for head coaches. Despite the fact that season after season they have managed to waste excellent defenses and solid running games by NOT EVER GETTING A QUALITY QUARTERBACK TO LEAD THE OFFENSE SINCE FUCKING DAN MARINO RETIRED. I stay loyal. Yes, each season admidst the orgy of multiple Football games happening at once, betting, fantasy football, shit talking, beer drinking, cheering, booing, bad food eating, reveling, general good times, and still more shit talking. But my dear reader, shit talking gets difficult as I get to watch friends teams make the playoffs --even the Super-- Bowl and think "Gee. It must be nice to have this fun while having the confidence that your favorite team is actually a feared and winning" I think, "Gee. It must be nice to be a fan of a team who's front office not only talks about putting a competitive team on the field every season but actually does it." Admittedly, I've had to endure good doses of chop-busting from friends and family who are N.E. Patriots fans season after season as the Pats whip up on the Dolphins. I've commented that their head coach is "The best coach in NFL history" and that "Tom Brady is a Hall Of Fame Quarterback". Etc. I do think they're right up there. I'd be lying if I said I don't admire an organization that has their act together. One that has a focus for what they need to do to win and who scouts, drafts, trades for and retains players that will fit into their system. An organization that has everyone on the same page from parking attendants to the owner. An organization that not only has won a few Super Bowls in recent memory but is in the mix for Super Bowl possibilities seemingly every year. Indeed, it IS possible to win often with the right leadership, great QB and vision for the teams "identity". It IS possible to admire a team like that.

But are they my true love???

My thoughts raced. As I watch Miami prepare for their 2011 campaign with a backfield that consists of a rookie running back, paired with a recently signed running back with "great potential" who hasn't yet lived up to it. I watched them sign a street bum named Matt Moore who will compete for the starting job with their existing number one QB --Chad "The Bum" Henne. I watch as the defense, which is very good, stays intact but may go to waste for another year with a potentially hapless offense leading the way. I watch as the receiving corps stays full of playmakers but they simply WILL NOT SIGN A TOP NOTCH QUARTERBACK to throw these players the football. I watch as they don't sign a QB who even has some precident for being able to win or even one who can manage a game effectively.

My thoughts drift to the Patriots as they sign a big name Wide Receiver who will fit in to their system well...they sign a big name defensive tackle....shit, they were 14-2 last year and they may be as good or better this year??? My thoughts ran to them meeting the Dolphins the first week of the season and winning heart sank. Was my chop-busting, ball-breaking, son-of-a-bitch friend who likes the Chicago Bears right??? Did he see something in me that not even I knew existed?? Was my "praise" of the Patriots due to respect for their coach and quarterback or, do I subconsciously really prefer them as my team and am only sticking with the Dolphins out of comfort-zone-familiarity and blind loyalty? Was my current distaste of the Dolphins based on my perception that they do not have urgency to put a winning team on the field? Did I just want to be excited again by following a winning team???

Considering my deep, deep love for NFL Football and the fast-approaching 2011 regular season, I had burning questions that needed answering. Quickly.

I realized that, sometimes love is "tough". Sometimes you need to be patient and understanding and realize that the other person (or team) is doing the best that they can. Maybe they are going through things that I simply cannot understand and they really need my support? Granted, the definition of "insane" is doing the same things every day and expecting things to change --like NEVER GETTING A QUARTERBACK WHO IS A WINNER SINCE DAN MARINO RETIRED. Anyway, I was reminded that true love is unconditional and not always easy. I was reminded that love is what you make of it.

That said, I realized that the Dolphins are indeed MY team and I should start acting like it once again. I will blindly launch into my love of the Miami Dolphins with an optimistic and clean slate after answering the tough questions from the depths of my soul: "Am I a New England Patriots fan or am I a Miami Dolphins fan?"

After my sould-searching had run it's course, the dust settled and I am a Miami Dolphins fan. I will be here for them when they are ready to win again and I will talk so much shit in their defense this year even if it borders on delusional. They shall soon return to their lofty post of Lords of the AFC EAST!!!

Maybe sooner than I/we think?