Why the fuck does my dog (Ammo) go outside and just bark for extended periods of time?? I've already been watching her for a half hour straight and there is nothing at all to bark at. She's not even trying to make it look convincing. I understand there is the possibility of a few mosquitoes, "holding out" to take one last swipe at me before winter really falls, or some random ghosts, which are always a very real concern. I wish I could actually see or understand why she just goes out there and barks? Her high pitched, ridiculous and ineffective bark --aimed at NOTHING, increases in volume and intensity at times to the point where she almost blows her chippy little vocal chords out. Designed to methodically pierce my thoughts and mind? ...Again I look outside, thinking surely there is a reason for this consistent level of barking she feels the need to employ, but nobody and nothing is there...she stands on the porch just barking into the distance...no "threats" to the backyard can be seen. No wind blowing or squirrels running. It continues. I feel my skin crawling and my breath tighten. Why Ammo? Why must you always do this? Is it to further torment me? There is nothing to bark at in the backyard...nothing. Why Ammo?? Really... If she could talk I bet she would say "Fuck you zero fun John".
Why must dudes post pictures of their new back tattoos complete with flexing/posing in front of the mirror?? Why? C'mon dude...just why?? We don't give a fuck.
Why do people issue status updates about their husband and every little interaction they have, IN EVERY STATUS UPDATE THEY ISSUE ON FACEBOOK?? WE just may not care, at all. Actually, we don't.
I'm not going to mention the nine million updates on the power being out and/or the snow. It just sucked. Sucks more to peruse your news feed and see 15 million updates of this nature.
Why do I keep using "we" in these little gripes?? Like I've got some army? Maybe I do?
Why do I think any of this material is fit for a blog post??
I guess sometimes we just take advantage of online platforms such as Facebook or Blogger to just blurt out whatever the fuck we want to? Foregoing our sense of "Hmmmm...now, why the fuck would anyone care about this other than myself?" Or, "Why would any of my Facebook friends give a flying shit about this???"
I've Been dying to use the expression "give a flying shit" in a post for quite some time now. If I told you that this whole blog post was created just so I could use it, and that the content within doesn't even matter (which I'm sure you're used to by now)...would you believe me? If so, why?
Ammo prefers to blurt her dog concerns and other shit out into the vast unknown of, the backyard. To further dig her knife of annoyance into my side and continue her agenda to attempt to rule this household, I'm sure of it.
Why?
~ZFJ
Monday, November 7, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Fear and Loathing, In Massachusetts.
Hello.
First off, before boring you further, I'd like to send warm wishes out to friends and family who are still without power in the aftermath of the Nor'Easter we had right before Halloween. Some tough weather we've had since June 1st this year:
Tornado!
Hail Storms!
Earthquake!
Weak-ass Hurricane, but still a hurricane!
Nor'Easter that wiped out power in half of Massachusetts!
Damn!!
I've also found some other tough shit to deal with in our shifty lil' state. Also, I'm rather fond of swearing and will do it often in this post, but first, a tidbit of information from 2004.
In 2004, my sweet ass was fired from a job I had held for 6 years. Yes it was bullshit of course, and had to do with a petty little newbie-manager who would cut the nose to spite the face. Anyway, I ended up receiving some unemployment benefits for a short spell in 2004.
Then the beady-eyed manager went to an unemployment hearing I didn't know about.
Then he fought the claim.
Then the state said I had to repay the benefits they gave me.
Okaaaay...that's also bullshit --but still very real-- now let's get back to the current times.
So, in August I got fired from a shitty job I held for 3 & 1/2 years by a petty manager who would cut the nose to spite the face. Wait. Either I am a shitty employee (nope!) or I just don't respond well for extended periods of time to petty-thinking, negative, micromanaging managers?
Naturally, I go file an unemployment claim and It all seems to go normally at first. No mention of any over-payment. No "red flags" come up at the filing or for three weeks of weekly claims. Good thing too, because the unemployment benefits would be my only income for a while.
Then a few weeks go by with no payment, as they said to expect.
Then another week...
Then the fun starts.
I call the unemployment department and sit on hold for approximately one hour. A man gets on the phone, sounds like he is half asleep, and I ask him about an automated message I heard when I filed my weekly claim. The message said "Your weekly benefit amount is being applied to an existing over-payment..." Fuck. The man from the state says not to worry, "the only reason you are getting that message sir is because someone is reviewing your account right now, sir. Someone will call you by the end of this week or next week to review your claim." He assured me that this was why I heard that message and the ONLY reason I had heard the message. After some basic qualifying of his answer, I reluctantly trust him. Why shouldn't I? He is a state employee after all.
No one from the state calls by the end of the week.
No one from the state calls the next week.
I called back at the end of this week, waited on hold for approximately 47 minutes and 17 seconds, and after getting bounced between departments for awhile I was introduced to the "Over-payment Department".
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy such as the Over-Payment Department.
A woman answered the line and slurred the words ..."over-payment...". I could barely hear her so I say, "hello"? She utters the words "over-payment" again. I could tell I had woken her up and in efforts to break the silence that followed her phone introduction, I ask if she would like my social security number so she can at least see who she is talking with? She says, "oh, yeah". I'm not making this up folks. After pulling up my account she informs me that my entire benefit is being applied to the 2004 over-payment! What the fuck??? That story is a BIT different from the story I heard a week and a half ago! I explain to her that I really will need my full benefit amount. We haggle. She tells me of a waiver form that I can send in which will take 2-3 months to process, of course. At the conclusion of the process it will either find me "not liable" or "liable" for the 2004 over-payment. I haggle onward and get "awarded" with the information that I can receive half of my benefit amount. That sucks but it's still better than zero. I ask if there is ANY option to get the full benefit. She repeatedly says "no". I resign to my fate and hang up. I assume she falls back to sleep.
A few weeks pass and the job market remains tough. No respectable job is found. I decide to review the over-payment paperwork they sent to me. I also review the waiver form again. The over-payment paperwork has a code of "NR" on it which translates to "Not Responsible". I research further and it hints at me not being liable for the over-payment in the first place. I read the explanations that accompany the waiver form. In a round-about way, it basically tells me that I am not liable. What. The. Fuck?? So why am I getting stuck with it??? I call the over-payment department. A man answers, half asleep, and greets me with "...over-payment, what's your question." I ask if he would like my social security number so he can know who he is talking with? He says, "oh, yeah." Readers, this literally happened again. I try to explain my situation but he repeatedly and aggressively asks what my question is, uninterested in anything but retorting to my question. I abandon my attempt to give him background information as to why I'm calling and ask if there is ANY way to receive my full benefit amount while I search for a new job. He deflects my question twice with dance-around "no" answers. I say to him that I have been directly lied to previously by a few people within the unemployment departments and that I really need an answer to whether there is ANY recourse for me to receive the full benefit amount.
He explains that when they receive the waiver form, it goes into "process" and at that point I would receive my full benefit amount until a decision is reached. What??? That is exactly opposite from what the sleepy woman in the department told me last time!!!
I send in the form that I once viewed as futile. I file my weekly claim to find that I'm getting the full benefit amount now but I am furious and awestruck that: 1) The state where I live, pay taxes, fees and etc won't support me when I find myself unemployed by no fault of my own? 2) That they would "mislead" me when I ask for accurate information pertaining to my options for this?? --Repeatedly?!? 3) If not for my research and my repeated phone calls --resulting in different answers each time, I would have continued to sacrifice benefit money that it seems I may not even have to be paying???
My mind was blown.
But things got even sillier when I applied for insurance through the state. I sat with an informative employee (who works for a non-profit) who's job it is to guide citizens through the labyrinth of the Massachusetts insurance "system". She repeatedly joked how confusing it is. She asked if I pay child support? I told her I do. She then explained that the state does not consider this to be a debit. What??? It debits from my checking account each month!!! We continue...I am still trying to understand this part. Eventually she explains that, because of my current income, I will still have a formidable deductible to pay off on my new insurance when I need to use it. Like for very expensive prescriptions to control asthma, for example. Funny, the child support that the state does NOT consider a debit but DOES consider a credit for those receiving it, put me over the "line" and caused the formidable deductible. While completing the application, the cheerful and informative employee and I jokingly go back and forth with the "logic" to this. She finally says to me, "It's not fair."
"It's not fair." That's the best and most honest answer I've heard as to why things like this exist in Massachusetts.
And no, it isn't fair I guess. Anyway, I appreciate you sacrificing five minutes of your day to read this ranting drivel about my incredibly exciting life. The good news through all this is that I went from furious and awestruck, to genuinely impressed with the state of Massachusetts. They have confusion and double standards down to a science and they have even hired the right employees to pull the whole thing off! Kudos!! I mean, what other business can can you call and get a different answer each time??? What other business would honor a credit but not the corresponding debit??? You're right my dear reader, not many places of business would be able to pull this off consistently like the state of Mass can!! I do appreciate the public services we enjoy in the "Commonwealth", but then I remember that I/We are paying for this with our taxes and fees and etc's so it provides little comfort.
Cheers! And no, I'm not moving out of the state. I am a glutton for punishment.
~ZFJ
First off, before boring you further, I'd like to send warm wishes out to friends and family who are still without power in the aftermath of the Nor'Easter we had right before Halloween. Some tough weather we've had since June 1st this year:
Tornado!
Hail Storms!
Earthquake!
Weak-ass Hurricane, but still a hurricane!
Nor'Easter that wiped out power in half of Massachusetts!
Damn!!
I've also found some other tough shit to deal with in our shifty lil' state. Also, I'm rather fond of swearing and will do it often in this post, but first, a tidbit of information from 2004.
In 2004, my sweet ass was fired from a job I had held for 6 years. Yes it was bullshit of course, and had to do with a petty little newbie-manager who would cut the nose to spite the face. Anyway, I ended up receiving some unemployment benefits for a short spell in 2004.
Then the beady-eyed manager went to an unemployment hearing I didn't know about.
Then he fought the claim.
Then the state said I had to repay the benefits they gave me.
Okaaaay...that's also bullshit --but still very real-- now let's get back to the current times.
So, in August I got fired from a shitty job I held for 3 & 1/2 years by a petty manager who would cut the nose to spite the face. Wait. Either I am a shitty employee (nope!) or I just don't respond well for extended periods of time to petty-thinking, negative, micromanaging managers?
Naturally, I go file an unemployment claim and It all seems to go normally at first. No mention of any over-payment. No "red flags" come up at the filing or for three weeks of weekly claims. Good thing too, because the unemployment benefits would be my only income for a while.
Then a few weeks go by with no payment, as they said to expect.
Then another week...
Then the fun starts.
I call the unemployment department and sit on hold for approximately one hour. A man gets on the phone, sounds like he is half asleep, and I ask him about an automated message I heard when I filed my weekly claim. The message said "Your weekly benefit amount is being applied to an existing over-payment..." Fuck. The man from the state says not to worry, "the only reason you are getting that message sir is because someone is reviewing your account right now, sir. Someone will call you by the end of this week or next week to review your claim." He assured me that this was why I heard that message and the ONLY reason I had heard the message. After some basic qualifying of his answer, I reluctantly trust him. Why shouldn't I? He is a state employee after all.
No one from the state calls by the end of the week.
No one from the state calls the next week.
I called back at the end of this week, waited on hold for approximately 47 minutes and 17 seconds, and after getting bounced between departments for awhile I was introduced to the "Over-payment Department".
You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy such as the Over-Payment Department.
A woman answered the line and slurred the words ..."over-payment...". I could barely hear her so I say, "hello"? She utters the words "over-payment" again. I could tell I had woken her up and in efforts to break the silence that followed her phone introduction, I ask if she would like my social security number so she can at least see who she is talking with? She says, "oh, yeah". I'm not making this up folks. After pulling up my account she informs me that my entire benefit is being applied to the 2004 over-payment! What the fuck??? That story is a BIT different from the story I heard a week and a half ago! I explain to her that I really will need my full benefit amount. We haggle. She tells me of a waiver form that I can send in which will take 2-3 months to process, of course. At the conclusion of the process it will either find me "not liable" or "liable" for the 2004 over-payment. I haggle onward and get "awarded" with the information that I can receive half of my benefit amount. That sucks but it's still better than zero. I ask if there is ANY option to get the full benefit. She repeatedly says "no". I resign to my fate and hang up. I assume she falls back to sleep.
A few weeks pass and the job market remains tough. No respectable job is found. I decide to review the over-payment paperwork they sent to me. I also review the waiver form again. The over-payment paperwork has a code of "NR" on it which translates to "Not Responsible". I research further and it hints at me not being liable for the over-payment in the first place. I read the explanations that accompany the waiver form. In a round-about way, it basically tells me that I am not liable. What. The. Fuck?? So why am I getting stuck with it??? I call the over-payment department. A man answers, half asleep, and greets me with "...over-payment, what's your question." I ask if he would like my social security number so he can know who he is talking with? He says, "oh, yeah." Readers, this literally happened again. I try to explain my situation but he repeatedly and aggressively asks what my question is, uninterested in anything but retorting to my question. I abandon my attempt to give him background information as to why I'm calling and ask if there is ANY way to receive my full benefit amount while I search for a new job. He deflects my question twice with dance-around "no" answers. I say to him that I have been directly lied to previously by a few people within the unemployment departments and that I really need an answer to whether there is ANY recourse for me to receive the full benefit amount.
He explains that when they receive the waiver form, it goes into "process" and at that point I would receive my full benefit amount until a decision is reached. What??? That is exactly opposite from what the sleepy woman in the department told me last time!!!
I send in the form that I once viewed as futile. I file my weekly claim to find that I'm getting the full benefit amount now but I am furious and awestruck that: 1) The state where I live, pay taxes, fees and etc won't support me when I find myself unemployed by no fault of my own? 2) That they would "mislead" me when I ask for accurate information pertaining to my options for this?? --Repeatedly?!? 3) If not for my research and my repeated phone calls --resulting in different answers each time, I would have continued to sacrifice benefit money that it seems I may not even have to be paying???
My mind was blown.
But things got even sillier when I applied for insurance through the state. I sat with an informative employee (who works for a non-profit) who's job it is to guide citizens through the labyrinth of the Massachusetts insurance "system". She repeatedly joked how confusing it is. She asked if I pay child support? I told her I do. She then explained that the state does not consider this to be a debit. What??? It debits from my checking account each month!!! We continue...I am still trying to understand this part. Eventually she explains that, because of my current income, I will still have a formidable deductible to pay off on my new insurance when I need to use it. Like for very expensive prescriptions to control asthma, for example. Funny, the child support that the state does NOT consider a debit but DOES consider a credit for those receiving it, put me over the "line" and caused the formidable deductible. While completing the application, the cheerful and informative employee and I jokingly go back and forth with the "logic" to this. She finally says to me, "It's not fair."
"It's not fair." That's the best and most honest answer I've heard as to why things like this exist in Massachusetts.
And no, it isn't fair I guess. Anyway, I appreciate you sacrificing five minutes of your day to read this ranting drivel about my incredibly exciting life. The good news through all this is that I went from furious and awestruck, to genuinely impressed with the state of Massachusetts. They have confusion and double standards down to a science and they have even hired the right employees to pull the whole thing off! Kudos!! I mean, what other business can can you call and get a different answer each time??? What other business would honor a credit but not the corresponding debit??? You're right my dear reader, not many places of business would be able to pull this off consistently like the state of Mass can!! I do appreciate the public services we enjoy in the "Commonwealth", but then I remember that I/We are paying for this with our taxes and fees and etc's so it provides little comfort.
Cheers! And no, I'm not moving out of the state. I am a glutton for punishment.
~ZFJ
Monday, October 24, 2011
The Bastion of Despair
Damn, this blog fucking sucks lately!
Sooo, let's talk about some NFL Football. I've documented my affinity for this before I believe? Yes, well...it's fun stuff ok?!? My friend Rich, a real cool guy, has created a fan cult called "Cutler Corner" to enhance his game time fan-dom for the Chicago Bears. Now that's a cool name for a fan club! Rolls of the tongue and even cleverly incorporates a players name in it. Nice! It's been growing in popularity for a couple seasons already and even has a sweet nylon sign which is hung on the wall of Tully O'Reilly's (Sports Bar in Northampton) on days that the Chicago Bears play. I have to hand it to them Cutler Corner people, they're all rabid Bears fans, make lots of annoying noise that winners tend to make, they get delusional, they hoot, they holler and generally have too much fun. Thing is, the Bears are also a competitive football team and this makes it even more exciting for these beady-eyed fans in Cutler Corner.
Gee..it must be nice to follow a football team that you can get excited about.
I got a little jealous about not having a fan club for the Miami Dolphins to support the way they "play football". I decided to take the appropriate action to reflect the way us true fans feel about our team. To reflect and personify the way we feel when watching the Dolphins "compete". I created a fan club of my own, in honor of the Miami Dolphins. It's called "The Bastion of Despair". The name doesn't rhyme, doesn't roll of the tongue and doesn't feel good. That's also how it feels when you watch the Dolphins play. Now, while Cutler Corner has a snazzy nylon banner with a dazzling picture of their dreamboat Quarterback Jay Cutler on it, our banner simply has a black and white picture of doomed Jewish holocaust prisoners milling about the yard in a Nazi concentration camp. It has no writing on it (that shit cost money!) and it has no color or excitement on it or about it. Like the Dolphins.
Cutler Corner went mobile yesterday as Tullys was closed this Sunday. They showed up en-force to support the Bears at another local venue, and I heard it was fun and boisterous.
Our fan club started yesterday.
The Dolphins played against the Denver Broncos and their new starting Quarterback, "Jesus" Tim Tebow. We watched the game, all five of us. Six if you include my dog Ammo who I chained to a shelf in my basement and who wouldn't stop barking the whole fucking time. Yes, The Bastion of Despair is to be held in my damp, bleak and cold basement each Sunday. There we sat with emaciated faces...clutching our knees, biting the lower lip and rocking back and forth, shivering, shattered and timidly confused as we watched the football "contest". One fan sits on my roomates wet laundry, unaware of his surroundings. We cringe as Matt Moore narrowly avoids throwing another interception...we witness the Running Backs dancing around the line of scrimmage in terror of getting hit and of course, the defense is generous enough. We just stare blankly as the offense does not move the ball. We have been conditioned to this. We look at each other nervously, afraid of eye contact...wailing and grinding of teeth can be heard amidst the silence and the crackle of the black and white television that barely receives a signal, causing poor reception but somehow not adding to our frustration.
Inevitably, the reprieve of Halftime arrives and we head upstairs during for some "light" torture in order to lighten our moods, and also for our ceremonial shot of whiskey in my roomates rather cluttered bedroom. One member of The Bastion of Despair trips on some clothing that had been strewn about and sustains a very real head wound. We calmly drag her body downstairs as we pass a Denver Broncos fan in the kitchen who is coked out of his mind and screaming in our faces while wearing a Tim Tebow jersey. He is momentarily halted in his reveling in order to ask if that is a blood trail from the body we're dragging? I tell him it is only ketchup. He does some more coke. We don't. We continue our methodical descent back to the basement to determine what to do with the body. We have not checked to see if she is alive or dead but we do share an unspoken sense of relief for her either way as she will either miss the rest of this game or every Dolphins game going forward.
We make our way down to The Bastion of Despair for the second half. Still dragging the accident victim behind us, we hear Ammo's high-pitched barking increase in volume as we descend. Ammo has obviously tried to free herself from the tiny Dolphins "Doggie Jersey" that I made her wear. She almost got out from the looks of it too. Funny, she seemed more focused on getting that off of her than freeing herself from being tied up??
The game resumes and we see Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano, under pressure to get more asses in the seats, prancing up and down the sideline wearing ass-less leopard print spandex, with high heeled boots pulled up over the knees. Sassy! He dons a leather belt, bedazzled with the words "Daddy's Little Girl" and a black leather vest with tassels...he cheerleads his team, complete with ass-slaps to certain players who got a measly three yard gain(???), to a 15-0 lead in the fourth quarter. But then, after kneeling in prayer on his sideline, "Jesus" Tim Tebow struck back. He ran, he threw, he hustled and he completed a pass or two to a player wearing a Broncos jersey with the number 777 on it. The player also had sandals and what appeared to be a white robe of sorts flowing beneath his untucked non-regulation jersey...the player flew through the air for numerous big gains and seemingly in the same manner that winter arrives in New England every year, we are tied 15-15 and heading to overtime. Shuffling of the feet can be heard in between barks from the still-chained-up-and-now-agitated Ammo. We approach overtime and await our predetermined fate...wailing and grinding of the teeth continues along with subtle groans of doom. The Dolphins go on to lose 18-15 and fall to 0-6 on the year. Our halftime falling victim has awoken in time to see the outcome, it's another loss. She decides to kill herself. Can't wait for next weeks session of The Bastion of Despair...just can't wait.
Could this have all been in my head? Possibly a delusional skit of the Dolphins futility with particular relevance to my following of their team and brought on by continuous feelings of futility and hate??? Was it somehow real but challenged and thus repressed by my subconscious mind, refusing to believe that I had sunk this low???
I may never know but all I can remember is that there are only two rules of The Bastion of Despair:
Rule #1) You do not talk about The Bastion of Despair.
Rule #2) You do NOT talk about The Bastion of Despair.
...Other than in this blog post of course, which is relatively safe because no-one reads it.
~ZFJ
Sooo, let's talk about some NFL Football. I've documented my affinity for this before I believe? Yes, well...it's fun stuff ok?!? My friend Rich, a real cool guy, has created a fan cult called "Cutler Corner" to enhance his game time fan-dom for the Chicago Bears. Now that's a cool name for a fan club! Rolls of the tongue and even cleverly incorporates a players name in it. Nice! It's been growing in popularity for a couple seasons already and even has a sweet nylon sign which is hung on the wall of Tully O'Reilly's (Sports Bar in Northampton) on days that the Chicago Bears play. I have to hand it to them Cutler Corner people, they're all rabid Bears fans, make lots of annoying noise that winners tend to make, they get delusional, they hoot, they holler and generally have too much fun. Thing is, the Bears are also a competitive football team and this makes it even more exciting for these beady-eyed fans in Cutler Corner.
Gee..it must be nice to follow a football team that you can get excited about.
I got a little jealous about not having a fan club for the Miami Dolphins to support the way they "play football". I decided to take the appropriate action to reflect the way us true fans feel about our team. To reflect and personify the way we feel when watching the Dolphins "compete". I created a fan club of my own, in honor of the Miami Dolphins. It's called "The Bastion of Despair". The name doesn't rhyme, doesn't roll of the tongue and doesn't feel good. That's also how it feels when you watch the Dolphins play. Now, while Cutler Corner has a snazzy nylon banner with a dazzling picture of their dreamboat Quarterback Jay Cutler on it, our banner simply has a black and white picture of doomed Jewish holocaust prisoners milling about the yard in a Nazi concentration camp. It has no writing on it (that shit cost money!) and it has no color or excitement on it or about it. Like the Dolphins.
Cutler Corner went mobile yesterday as Tullys was closed this Sunday. They showed up en-force to support the Bears at another local venue, and I heard it was fun and boisterous.
Our fan club started yesterday.
The Dolphins played against the Denver Broncos and their new starting Quarterback, "Jesus" Tim Tebow. We watched the game, all five of us. Six if you include my dog Ammo who I chained to a shelf in my basement and who wouldn't stop barking the whole fucking time. Yes, The Bastion of Despair is to be held in my damp, bleak and cold basement each Sunday. There we sat with emaciated faces...clutching our knees, biting the lower lip and rocking back and forth, shivering, shattered and timidly confused as we watched the football "contest". One fan sits on my roomates wet laundry, unaware of his surroundings. We cringe as Matt Moore narrowly avoids throwing another interception...we witness the Running Backs dancing around the line of scrimmage in terror of getting hit and of course, the defense is generous enough. We just stare blankly as the offense does not move the ball. We have been conditioned to this. We look at each other nervously, afraid of eye contact...wailing and grinding of teeth can be heard amidst the silence and the crackle of the black and white television that barely receives a signal, causing poor reception but somehow not adding to our frustration.
Inevitably, the reprieve of Halftime arrives and we head upstairs during for some "light" torture in order to lighten our moods, and also for our ceremonial shot of whiskey in my roomates rather cluttered bedroom. One member of The Bastion of Despair trips on some clothing that had been strewn about and sustains a very real head wound. We calmly drag her body downstairs as we pass a Denver Broncos fan in the kitchen who is coked out of his mind and screaming in our faces while wearing a Tim Tebow jersey. He is momentarily halted in his reveling in order to ask if that is a blood trail from the body we're dragging? I tell him it is only ketchup. He does some more coke. We don't. We continue our methodical descent back to the basement to determine what to do with the body. We have not checked to see if she is alive or dead but we do share an unspoken sense of relief for her either way as she will either miss the rest of this game or every Dolphins game going forward.
We make our way down to The Bastion of Despair for the second half. Still dragging the accident victim behind us, we hear Ammo's high-pitched barking increase in volume as we descend. Ammo has obviously tried to free herself from the tiny Dolphins "Doggie Jersey" that I made her wear. She almost got out from the looks of it too. Funny, she seemed more focused on getting that off of her than freeing herself from being tied up??
The game resumes and we see Dolphins head coach Tony Sparano, under pressure to get more asses in the seats, prancing up and down the sideline wearing ass-less leopard print spandex, with high heeled boots pulled up over the knees. Sassy! He dons a leather belt, bedazzled with the words "Daddy's Little Girl" and a black leather vest with tassels...he cheerleads his team, complete with ass-slaps to certain players who got a measly three yard gain(???), to a 15-0 lead in the fourth quarter. But then, after kneeling in prayer on his sideline, "Jesus" Tim Tebow struck back. He ran, he threw, he hustled and he completed a pass or two to a player wearing a Broncos jersey with the number 777 on it. The player also had sandals and what appeared to be a white robe of sorts flowing beneath his untucked non-regulation jersey...the player flew through the air for numerous big gains and seemingly in the same manner that winter arrives in New England every year, we are tied 15-15 and heading to overtime. Shuffling of the feet can be heard in between barks from the still-chained-up-and-now-agitated Ammo. We approach overtime and await our predetermined fate...wailing and grinding of the teeth continues along with subtle groans of doom. The Dolphins go on to lose 18-15 and fall to 0-6 on the year. Our halftime falling victim has awoken in time to see the outcome, it's another loss. She decides to kill herself. Can't wait for next weeks session of The Bastion of Despair...just can't wait.
Could this have all been in my head? Possibly a delusional skit of the Dolphins futility with particular relevance to my following of their team and brought on by continuous feelings of futility and hate??? Was it somehow real but challenged and thus repressed by my subconscious mind, refusing to believe that I had sunk this low???
I may never know but all I can remember is that there are only two rules of The Bastion of Despair:
Rule #1) You do not talk about The Bastion of Despair.
Rule #2) You do NOT talk about The Bastion of Despair.
...Other than in this blog post of course, which is relatively safe because no-one reads it.
~ZFJ
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