Remembering, The Beard.

Hi. I was forced to shave my beard. I'll tell you why...


But first, I've got a couple resolutions to share for the new year.

1) I will try to use parmesan cheese on many more things I eat.

2) At some point I will grow the balls and commit to an awesome moustache. And it will be on my face for a minimum of one month when I do commit. Maybe longer?


Ok, so I started a new day-job. It's cool, offers some freedom and I worked there in the past and really liked it. It's a nice environment to get back into. But I did have to shave my beard because of their attack on my personal freedom (i.e. a policy about facial hair they have)....Whatever, I needed a change anyway --as the cool kids, Robbie and Rich, have pointed out quite a bit. And I do what the cool kids want. Anyway, I started today and, after the long morning drive, had to hit the bathroom with some urgency upon arrival.

In the bathroom I was re-acclimated to "Devils Claw". (If you don't know what Devils Claw is, here you go: http://zerofunjohn.blogspot.com/2011/05/devils-claw.html )

It was not fun.

After trudging through a few piles of paperwork, my new manager (who is cool as fuck by the way. Aren't they all in the beginning??) informed me that I am going to have to watch their training video course again. He was somewhat apologetic about this. I soon found out why and after fighting back the tears of boredom, almost went to sleep. But I woke up when I realized that training video role playing skits can easily be translated into porn skits. I had new life and renewed interest breathed into my brain!!! I felt as if I had discovered a secret --all my own-- that could get me through the tedium of these company-wide brainwashing attempts. I was giddy, and attentive. I Loved it! Now tomorrow when I resume my training, instead of hearing:

Attractive Female Customer: "There's a hole in my garage wall and wasps are flying out of it!!.... you didn't even check the garage on your service call last week.....why, my poor husband even got stung a couple times!"

Technician: "I apologize for missing that on my last treatment, I simply forgot to check the garage somehow. Let me see where the problem is and I'll correct it for you." (teaching us accountability)

Going forward I'll hear:

Attractive Female Customer: "Hi there (she moves closer to the unassuming technician -he gasps a little)...I have a problem, I'm just so restless.....after my husband got stung by those wasps you missed last week, he hasn't...let's say , 'been attentive to my needs'. How are you going to fix my problem you big bad technician?? (she looks down at the crotch area)

Technician: "Well ma'am *gulp*, I hate to see a valued --and if I may say, 'HOT'-- customer unsatisfied...I'm pretty sure I have a tool that can help fix your problem ..heh heh (upon his realization that she's coming on to him)...why don't we start the inspection in the bedroom?"

Cue the cheesy drums and techno music. They embrace in furious, unbridled passion. And off they go for the "service call"!!


That's along the lines of what I'll be "learning" tomorrow. As always in the ZFJ Blog, this advice can be applied to many different situations and in many different contexts. However, it works extremely well for company-wide training videos. Feel free to apply this technique if you find yourself trapped in a room, by yourself, with a rather "outdated" VCR....cornered.....with those training videos.



~ZFJ

The Devils Claw

Hello readers.

Hunter S. Thompson was once quoted as saying, "I have a theory that the truth is never told between 9-5 business hours."

I think what he's getting at here is the generally un-natural premise of getting up in the morning, dressing in a certain pre-determined manner, engaging in an often-times violent and competitive commute and eventually arriving at your detination of: Work. When at work, let the rat race begin.

Work:
"Noun
1. exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something; labor; toil.
2. something on which exertion or labor is expended; a task or undertaking: The students finished their work in class.
3. productive or operative activity"

Work:
"Verb (used without object)
16. to do work; labor.
17. to be employed, especially as a means of earning one's livelihood: He hasn't worked for six weeks.
18. to be in operation, as a machine."

So, we work. We plug right in and we work. We want to make money to pay for things we enjoy/need and hopefully we have money left over to actually enjoy our lives and make OUR decisions. It's a fact of life for the majority of Americans that we will work for someone who is calling the shots and we will be subject to their decisions and parameters for how we will conduct ourselves during the 9-5 hours. When they "own" our time, we will do what it takes to succeed and even "get ahead" in this environment to hopefully ensure more money and maybe even decision making powers down the line.

However, my point is not that people work. It is about some of the tactics employed by CEO's and other decision makers use to help ensure productive and attentive employees. I'm not talking about job perks such as a healthy work/life balance, bonus time off or money for jobs well done or flexible arrival schedules. No dear readers, I am referring to tactics employed at the most basic level. Tactics that not only save the company money but also remind us who the fuck is making decisions around here!

I'm talking about "The Devil's Claw".

What is Devil's Claw you ask? Well, you've heard of Angel Soft toilet paper perhaps? Angel Soft is a "bath tissue" we get to enjoy when we are making the decisions! When we are in control and looking out for our own best interests! We choose Angel Soft, among other beneficial decisions, because it is wonderfully soft and, DOESN'T BREAK INTO LITTLE FUCKING PIECES THAT GET LODGED IN OUR FUCKING ASS CRACKS!!! Here's an example of where CEO's apply the expression "The devil is in the details". See folks, there is a "brand" of general/bulk products designated for use by employees while at work. This brand is "cost effective". This brand is "good enough" for us commoners who are not in the drivers seat between 9-5. While this brand encompasses many types of products it seems to feature a particular type of "bath tissue" for the general worker.

This "bath tissue" is the CEO's best friend. It usually has two-ply paper which contributes to it's ease in breaking apart, it is flimsy at best, and may even have hints of wonderful wood grains in it. Inevitably, during a work day, a worker will have to take a break or three, in order to relieve themself via the toilet. CEO's have been briefed by their middle and upper management teams that this type of activity detracts from one's productivity. As a result, CEO's and other 9-5 decision makers have made provisions that will guarantee "attentive" employees upon returning from these little breaks.

So, you take a break and you return. You're relieved in one sense and tormented in another. You can't sit still, are agitated and have no choice but to "get mad"! You are attentive by force and productive by choice from that point. While this kind of tactic really "chaps my ass", I realize that the writing is already on the wall for me and my bathroom breaks and that writing ominously reads:

"The Devils Claw"

And on that note...

~ZFJ