Thursday, October 25, 2012

I was only in it for the fashion

Hello readers.

I remember when I was a na├»ve young teenager and I thought “I wonder how these retail clothing stores know in advance what we’re all going to want to wear?? How do they know which fashions to invest in??...” Then, I realized that they tell us which fashions we want, and “need”. through various media and social platforms. Boy did I feel Stupid…stupid….stupid….stupid….stupid.


And the Presidential Election Race isn’t much different.

Yesiree folks. It’s a silly, silly time of the year as we watch, read, scrutinize and learn about the Presidential Candidates: Gov. Mitt Romney & Pres. Barack Obama. We analyze “facts” and details as we decide who will garner our valuable vote. But the best part is the “smear” commercials that attack their opponents life, their choices, their allegiances and any/all factors that could potentially sway votes away from their opponent and to their side. (I LOVE these by the way, absolutely hilarious) Nothing is out-of-bounds in the giant-scale popularity contest known as: The Presidential Election Race!

We Americans enjoy televised, spirited and polished debates, that mainly consist of question-dodging, finger pointing, and references to various studies and charts and research and other things. All designed to back up the claims of each particular candidate. Yep, grown men and statesmen reduced to finger-pointing “little boys” complete with accusations of incompetence, accusations of “not being able to provide details about proposed economic and social “plans”, and every other imaginable “dig”. My favorites are the assertive/hollow speeches about taking care of the “Middle Class” (this is so “token” that it makes my head spin) . The massive overall effort to paint the other candidate as an evil, lying, cheating, agenda-pushing, full-of-shit-politician just trying to get elected for every other reason other than to lead America to prosperity (which is most likely true) is fascinating. I mean, just to wrap my brain around the giant machine of money, people, media and any/all other resources that are involved in helping a candidate get elected is a daunting task. From researchers, pundits, media people, “experts” and lobbyists, to the “grassroots” army of promotion for each candidate, the campaign trail is just astounding to think about. I mean, it can’t be easy to dig up that many dirty facts about a person to use in TV commercials?? It can’t be easy (or inexpensive) to find the “right” propaganda teams to spin things to the public??

It takes real work (and real dollars) to create the impression that a presidential candidate is a true leader, an effective decision-maker, a real “answer” for America’s troubles. What fun!

Now, here’s my new genius-level idea.

We go and revise the Presidential Election Race from it’s current format, to the well-received and very familiar format that all us Americans have grown to love so dearly:


This would rule.

Think about it, we all know it’s bullshit and rhetoric just get votes anyway, the Presidential Election Race that is. We know that whoever gets elected will end up as an effective agenda-pushing, palm-greasing, big money person of influence --with the "middle class" not really getting all too much of the benefit... So why not make this inevitability more enjoyable for Americans? Give us some “real” criteria to make our decision??

Here’s an example of why this would rule: We all remember Daisy of Love, right? ( ) The reality TV show starring Daisy De La Hoya, the runner-up of the VH1 reality dating show “Rock of Love 2” ( ) featuring Bret Michaels, of Poison fame –-I watched every episode.

Here’s the basic run-down. Daisy, a bodacious, buxom-blonde-bimbo, was the star of a TV show aimed at helping her find “true love”. Daisy was also making an album of her music. She was already a noteworthy TV commodity from her stint on Bret Michaels show so, why not? They gave her a show that would help her (the record company) put out her album (meaning, yes it sucks...of course it does!! But since she is a guaranteed sell-able commodity, and with guaranteed ROI, there was little risk involved...why not cash in from a reality TV show at the same time???) --Anyway, the show featured a gaggle of juiced-up, testosterone fueled, fame-seeking douche bag male contestants, also seeking “true love”. The male contestants would be faced with contests, trials and various other tasks and challenges that would ultimately prove who would be Daisy’s “true love”. And there was plenty of behind-the-scenes juicy footage to satisfy even the most insatiable lust. Daisy did find "true love", and more importantly, she got a ton of exposure for her album. Seems logical enough?

So, why not have the Presidential candidates duke it out in a reality TV show too? We’ll set them up in a hot-ass mansion, set up challenges, situations and hidden cameras to hear their “real” thoughts about shit. The cameras will be perpetually rolling for behind-the-scenes, ultra-candid material. C’mon, enough of the stuffy debates and smear tactics. I think just getting these men together in a reality TV situation where they lower their prefabricated defenses and images, could be just the thing to get more Americans to respond with votes.

Like for example, on one episode Joe Biden and Paul Ryan head out to party at a local nightclub after a hot debate. They get trashed and Joe Biden’s general distaste for Paul Ryan (as observed in the actual Vice Presidential debate) reaches a boiling point. Biden attacks Ryan as he is hitting on some “bitches” with a flurry of wild and passionate punches and kicks. Ryan, who is too hammered to feel the pain, just laughs uncontrollably as his “bitches” look on in astonished amazement. Biden ends up banging two of them that night (observed by the night-vision cameras placed in each room).

Or, in an early episode, Romney and Obama decide to settle a random, escalating, meaningless, and well-documented argument(cameras always rolling…never forget) on the mansion’s basketball court. The battle is surprisingly close as Romney has the height advantage and has cast his entire soul into beating Obama. But the match ends with an Obama dunk over Romney, complete with nuts dangling on Romney’s defeated/surprised face. This propels Romney to claim that he lost only because Obama is “black”. And this is the shit we really want to know about these candidates!

Or perhaps, for rainy days, the candidates meet with their “Propaganda Ministers” for an "S.B.C Session" (Stands for "Smear. Bullshit. Conquer {session} Propaganda Ministers are just one of the many auxiliary-type characters to be appearing in this show with each candidate. There will also be “Enforcers”, “Money Men”, “Special Agents”, “Bitches”, and “Cleaner-uppers” among others. (Don't kid yourself, every politician has all these people on hand in real life anyway.) We will get to see new smear campaigns developed right before our eyes! The best, most convincing and most funny smear campaigns will win “points”, which will help to further each candidate’s chances of election. There will be online voting for America for that, hopefully.

Of course, we will be privy to plenty random “behind-the-scenes” footage from the mansion. Like, Biden, Ryan, Obama and Romney are sitting around getting trashed in the kitchen of the mansion, with various “bitches” and auxiliary players milling bout. Biden will drunkenly apologize to Ryan for whipping his ass with shit like, "My bad 'Paulie-Paul'....*burp*....It's all in fun, eh? Right?? ...*hiccup*, fuck...shit. I love ya Paul...yo my boy blue! ...", and Ryan will say something to the effect of “Shut the fuck up you drunken old man. I didn’t even feel that shit…” causing the two Presidential candidates to blow up, spitting their drinks in the process, in laughter. Ryan cracks a smile of accomplishment as he feels he “got” Biden. Next thing we see is Biden’s fist smashing into Ryan’s cheek, then face (repeatedly), then rib cage, then…oh you get it. He fucks Paul Ryan up. (Ryan, when directly asked at a later point, "is Biden just plain tougher than you?", manages to not answer the question at all. Instead he dances around the topic of “toughness” and if it really means anything in a man’s life…etc. Ah would simply be an amazing Presidential Election Race in this format, in my opinion.

See friends, I approach the upcoming Presidential Election with disdain, knowing the fact that I think they’re both full of shit, and so will be the next batch of candidates. It’s kind of always been like this. But, thanks to the information stream in the “Communication Age” we are currently alive in, we’re all just more knowledgeable and informed. Not like the naive people we may have been in another life.