"These are not the Droids you are looking for"

Hi there, you cutting-edge-brilliant-person-who-decided-to-click-the-link-to-get-to-the-vital-and-possibly-life-changing-information in this here blog post! I hope you are well.

So, just to let you know, I love TV marketing, corporate "tag lines" and/or little slogans and advertising in general. I love to see who their "targets" are depending on what I'm viewing and what time I'm viewing it, and I love the absolute bullshit that most companies spew out to try and get our money. While watching Spongebob Squarepants with my sidekick (my son) a few days ago, a commercial aired for some new toy cars that light up, flip around and who knows what else. My sidekick (son) excitedly points and proclaims, "My want those!". My friend who was here chillin' with us quips, "Imagine that. Very clever how they put a commercial for a kids toy in the middle of programming that kids --and their parents-- may just be watching..." (sarcasm, in case you didn't pick up on that). That's just one fun example of TV marketing right there...well, fun for me anyway.

Ok, ok... I'll start getting to my long-winded point here. I own and operate an iphone. The iphone is one of the best devices I have acquired in my life. It's easy to use, extremely useful for many things --even phone calls. It's streamlined, cool and empowering. The marketing behind the iphone kind of reflects a sort of "I'm-intelligent-casual-streamlined-resourceful-clever-type-of-phone", made for and used by "intelligent-casual-streamlined-resourceful-clever-type-of-person"...at least that's how I feel when I see their commercials. Seems clear and consistent and I feel like I made the right move getting it. Just saying...

Last night after a mighty Swillmerchants rehearsal, I unwound and lightened up a bit with a viewing of "Saving Private Ryan". At commercial break, a marketing piece came on that threw me for a loop at first. It showed an object flying at high speeds through a city, powerfully and easily slicing through street lights, street signs and other objects throughout the metropolitan area. My first thought was, "Oh shit! Yes! It's an advertisement for yet another big budget movie where a seemingly unstoppable-alien-threat-terrorizes-a-city-and/or-the-world-killing-millions-of-humans-as-we-shrivel-away-in-horror-eventually-demonstrating-our-human-ingenuity- resilience-and-resolve-by-finding-a-way-to-end-the-planet-wide-bloodbath-thus-uniting-the-planet-complete-with-images-and-foreshadowing-of-the-entire-human-race-living-in-harmony-upon- the-realization-that-we-should-work-together-rather-than-battle-each-other-to-make-the-Earth-a great-place-to-live-once-again!!"

Wrong. It was just a commercial for the Droid "Razr" phone. (Note the edgy spelling of "Razr"!)

Anyway, the Droid came out a few years ago (I think) and it was supposed to try and compete for market share with the iphone. Maybe the Droid line of phones is doing this? I don't really give a shit but I do hope you proceed with caution if you intend to purchase a Droid phone. Their marketing seems to suggest that this phone will be able to fly through the air and cut right through metal, bone and concrete. Very cool, if that's what you want your phone to do?? I probed further into the marketing for Droid phones and what I discovered was terrifying to say the least. A particular marketing piece showed a young executive involved in an obviously important board meeting. He spies the Droid phone on the table and decides to pick it up, no doubt thinking that the device can help with his job and/or presentation at the board meeting. Wrong!!! The joke is on him as his hands and arms began to morph into robot arms as he manipulates the device!! Wow, I guess the Droid is capable of turning every day, well-meaning humans into robotic clones??? Okaaay......

Still another marketing piece featured a young man hiding in an alleyway, covertly following a black SUV of interest. The SUV pulls up at a corner convenience store in the city and two important yet tough-looking men urgently exit the vehicle and enter the convenience store. They quickly proceed to the ATM machine and key in a secret code, which opens a secret staircase. The young man is right behind them, unseen, wide-eyed and moving fast to discover what they are doing here. He manages to make it down the secret staircase without detection and continues to trail the two men from a short distance behind. The tough-looking men continue moving through the various uber-high-tech security levels and eventually they make their way into the awaiting and futuristic complex. Inside the complex, the young man stares in awe at massive robots and various machines putting hi-tech stuff into other stuff, huge computer screens showing what resembles a nuclear combustion in progress, and many "top secret" looking people are gathered around coordinating the whole process. He turns around quickly as the steel doors to the entrance of the complex slam shut right behind his back. Undaunted, he regains focus on the overwhelming process unfolding right before his eyes and stares in awestruck horror as a huge, semi-controlled explosion occurs in the center of the complex. The explosion produces: a Droid phone. Fuck. Was I hoping for something "more" from this scenario? Possibly? He seemed happy though.

Shit.

Damn folks. I just want to make a phone call, or text someone, or play Angry Birds (lots of it) and feel like an "intelligent-casual-streamlined-resourceful-clever-type-of-person" while doing it. I don't want to slice through metal, bone and concrete. I don't want to develop robot arms and I surely don't want to take my chances enduring a huge explosion in the company of "top-secret" type people just to get a phone. Wow. Could be just my take on it, but I don't think Droids marketing is really appropriate for consumers other than those who have plans to take over the world, overthrow a government, become a robot or generally strike fear into the hearts of all who oppose them.

Wait....maybe I should get one?

Anyway, to finally conclude todays overly-boring post, I'd like to leave you with an example of what I feel is spot-on, easy-to-consume and to-the-point TV marketing. Not surprisingly it's for "Liftmaster" Garage Door Openers. In their marketing piece they explain how their garage door opening systems are awesome and even have battery backup for use in the event of power outages! Their tag line?

"Liftmaster. Get in your garage every time."

Real fucking simple folks. Your garage door will fucking open. Period. Every time --if you buy Liftmaster, of course.

Now that's effective TV marketing if I've ever seen it!

Until later...I surely hope you have an iphone for your phone-ing needs. But if not, and you own a Droid, I hope you're putting it to "good use". If ya know what I mean (hint hint)...



~ZFJ

If you diss ZFJ, you diss yourself.

Had a power meeting with my administrative team last night about some key topics such as music, blog content and mostly, where the hell is Billdo??? After him ranking rather high on the Top Ten CBR-STR Rankings we thought he would be more active in his paltry attempts at humiliating me. One trusted insider has reported that he’s “saving up” for some real big time chop busting in the near future. I really worried…”oh no”. Thing is, Billdo, as a trash-talking-athlete is as good as it gets. He’s not usually too clever with his efforts but is very mean and effective in most cases. For example: “One time at rehearsal I dubbed myself as ‘Sugarfoot’. Bill slurred out “More like Saltfoot” from behind the drum set. Just one example of his “brilliant” shit talking abilities. Still, some of his insults and physical attacks have left me scarred for life (reference Double leg dropkick in “UPDATED: CBR-STR Rankings post). As a result, I’ve been training for at least two years to defeat him in the only thing he really cares about: Madden Football.

…and, I hope he remembers that I am a natural athlete. I’ve been playing Madden on my iphone (which is probably more difficult than Xbox or Playstation, in case you people don’t realize this) in training for the moment where I can take it all away from him. When I can leave him with mental and spritual scars like he has done to me. I know I am ready after what I accomplished the other day.

Using the Green Bay Packers in “season” mode, I played against the vaunted Minnesota Vikings Football club on the frozen tundra of Lambeau Field (it was actually snowing in the game!!). The final score was Green Bay – 116 and Minnesota - 38. Go ahead, read that again. That’s right Bill, 116-38. Comin’ your way buddy. The game started neck and neck with Minnesota scoring first on 3 straight Brett Favre completions followed by a 40 yard TD run by Adrian Peterson. Peterson did not enjoy the rest of the match as he finished the game with a total of 52 yards rushing due to my overpowering defense. Minnesota’s run defense did a fair job of containing Ryan Grant and the running game and, heading into the second quarter the score was so close that I was actually sweating: 21-14 in favor of Green Bay. At this point my back was to the wall and I applied my exemplary coaching and game management skills –which Billdo unfortunately will soon find out about- and unleashed Aaron Rodgers upon the Vikings. The scales quickly tipped in my favor as Rodgers could not be stopped. His skill level when under the guidance of an electrifying play caller seems to be a deadly combination and he finished the game with a passer rating of 143.8. Passing for 1,164 yards, 13 TD’s against 4 INT’s and completed 50 of 68 pass attempts. Unreal. In the process my defensive play calling impressed even myself holding the hapless Vikes to a 6% 3rd down conversion rate and a 0% 4th down conversion rate. My Redzone TD average was 87%.

Readers, I know you’re asking yourself “why the fuck did this zero fun John just write this shit?” and/or “Why the fuck did I just read this shit??”. Sometimes…some certain people eventually are going to have to pay for their previous insolence. So, why did you read this? Why was it written?? Why does good ole' ZFJ take up valuable blog space with this outpouring??? Your answer is this: I have just publically challenged Billdo to a match of Madden 11’. Bill, it’s time to pay.

Note: Readers, I apologize that you will never reclaim the few minutes you’ve just spent reading this post. Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

~ZFJ
“The Natural Athlete”