“Morning” people, how your ipod cares about you and Social Halitosis

I know that many people are “morning” people and my hat is off to you all. I don’t know how you people are really that motivated and alert in the early morning but again, good for you. I’m not in that category. I fight it. I justify and rearrange things and I am going to change this somehow. Problem is I don’t like to go to bed earlier so I usually need to get inventive in the mornings to get moving. Ironically I end up awake in the early morning most days –just not alert.

For times like this (i.e. every morning) your ipod can step in to help. It knows about you and what your needs are. It has the power and gift of music to bestow upon you and again, it cares about you so it knows what you want to hear. For example, my ipod shuffle this morning panned out like this:

Spoon – Don’t Make Me a Target
Interpol – Obstacle 1
Failure – Solaris
Arcade Fire – Modern Man
Autolux – Subzero Fun
Robert Johnson – 32-30 Blues
Arcade Fire – Ready To Start
Kasabian – L.S.F
Europe – Rock The Night
Queens of the Stone Age – First It Giveth
Jane’s Addiction – Just Because
Spoon – The Underdog
Hall and Oates – I Can’t Go For That

Now that’s how you treat someone when you care about them! Thanks ipod, I owe you one!

Now, on to a very controversial and important subject: Halitosis. More accurately, Halitosis in social settings. Readers, I have written about this in the past but I realize it calls for continued awareness and debate so, here goes. Last night myself and some friends/bandmates were going over songs and working on vocals at my lush and hi-tech home studio when one of my friends, who shall remain nameless, emitted a black cloud of vile halitosis which I unfortunately walked through at one point. So, I pointed out to Rich Tardy that his breath was kickin’. I offered chewing gum to Rich Tardy but he said “I don’t chew gum when I’m drinking”. "Cool". So, we got to deal with it all night. Thankfully Rich is so cool that even with halitosis affecting people’s lives around him, he can just blow it off and have people “deal with it”. But what does one do when they’re not as cool as Rich??? Who will step in to save them and their unsuspecting victims??? When will YOU take action next time someone close to you is crushing you with their halitosis???

What I do for people is the caring and noble thing: I tell them they have bad breath and, if I have the means, offer a remedy to their handicap. Some people think this is rude but I think it is very considerate. If you’re out there at the bar, a date, dinner, a show, a movie or even playing in the sack, you really don’t want to be ruining people’s fun and lives with this kind of aggressive stench. For example, a person who’s lighting it up in conversation at the bar with friends has a right to know that their breath is out of line. They also have a civic duty to correct their disease from that point. Sure it may be “tough love” when you have to be the messenger of such bad news, but rather than coddle the offender and make them believe things are okay, you should step up and do the right thing. You think they really want to be spewing this kind of air at other people in conversation??? They don’t. Nobody should take offense or get mad when a concerned friend offers to help them but sometimes they do. Understandably the first reaction is usually vehement denial or self consciousness but they usually concede to getting help after calming down and digesting the news. Handing them a breath mint or slice of chewing gum is a good start to recovery and is akin to missionaries handing food and water to malnourished war victims. You’ll even sleep easier at night as you continue to extend your helping hand.

I urge you socially active and concerned citizens to begin to step up and initiate change when the vile cloud of halitosis rears its ugly head. Take a deep breath and say to your friend, “Hey man/girl/Mom/Dad/Sister/Brother/Boss etc, your breath is kickin’. Would you like some gum?” It won’t be easy at first, but with time and practice you will get used to shouldering the burden of “the messenger” and will earn the fulfillment of not only helping your friends/family but also yourself.

~ZFJ

The CT Conspiracy and the New Era

Hello readers. It’s been a hectic and crazy week full of realizations and that kind of shit but I just had to write to you about something I realized just this morning. Now, those who know good ole ZFJ know that I have a bit of “distaste” for the way people drive at times. I think the way people drive is a reflection of the way they live. I understand that people will just be inconsiderate, confused, flustered, going fast, going slow and whatever else on the road and that I just have to deal with it. I of course, am an electrifying driver who looks out for the other guy and follows my mothers sage advice of; “Just pretend that the other person does not know what they’re doing”. This has saved my life many times –including this morning.

This morning while driving down King St. in Northampton, I realized that this “wild” theory that I have been compelled to develop is actually true: Connecticut drivers are out to get me. This theory developed over time through what I percieved as coincidence, a very consistent coincidence albeit, but too consistent too ignore. This morning proved without a shadow of a doubt that my car has a “target” on it, invisible to me, but one that CT drivers attack with zeal. The first attack came from a Dunkin Donuts parking lot. I was driving down the road, heavy rain pouring–which leads to even more confusion and indecision with most drivers as it is, listening to “Sea Of Madness” by Iron Maiden and I see a Nissan Maxima lying in wait for me. There were no other cars in the immediate vicinity but as I approach and got literally 10 feet from this vehicle, it pulls out, slowly...methodically?, cutting me off and causing me to hit the brakes assertively and swerve a bit. Naturally, my skill level prevented any altercations but as I composed myself, I looked at the license plate to see: it was a CT driver. After cutting me off, the driver proceeded to go down King St at 15 MPH in an nearly successful attempt to strip me of my sanity. I did rise above this trauma and tried to put it behind me.

The next attack came from a late model Maroon Minivan on Interstate 91 South. I spent a bit of time in the passing lane due to the invalids driving like shit in the cruising lane and me wanting to go a bit faster. I’m going around 77 MPH and listening to “Wild Side” by Motley Crue and this minivan is aggressively driving on my tail and almost in my trunk with erratic urgency in it’s movements. 77 MPH is just not fast enough for entitled/important people. I got annoyed and moved to the invalid lane only to glance ahead and see: CT Plates on the minivan. Rather than give chase and investigate these "coincidences" I just let the lunatic proceed down the highway and watched as it pulled similar tactics to other drivers in the passing lane. I chocked it up to, just a complete asshole who happens to drive like a fucking inconsiderate piece of shit, who also happens to reside in CT. However, the next attack would confirm my darkest nightmares.

I pulled off the highway in Holyoke into the ridiculous line of traffic, waiting like war-time refugees in line for food rations, to begin the process of "turning left onto Whitney Ave". I’m listening to “Sub-Zero Fun” by Autolux and enjoying it while reflecting on the recent attempts on my life by the two CT drivers when I see a white Toyota Venza (a car I like quite a bit) veering into my lane from the other direction. My heart jumped as this car literally missed the side of my car by maybe 2-3 feet (in the car that seems like 2-3 inches!)and I saw the white/blue-ish CT license plate like teeth as it barreled towards my position. After running through my entire swear repertoire and making up some new ones, I calmed down and shuddered with fear. Why are the drivers from the state of CT after me??? What could I have done to earn their hatred?? Is it all of the residents of this state or just a very organized group of them who are determined to take me out??? Again, why?? Even still, one of their members consistently attacks my Facebook page with Anita Baker videos and other propaganda to taint my good name and sanity (he currently has the #1 ranking on the post of UPDATED: CBR-STR Rankings). I have no answers but only this question: “Why do Connecticut drivers drive so horribly and why have they targeted my life?”

In other news, Swillmerchants are finally hitting the studio to begin tracking drums for our forthcoming album. The writing so far has been very open and collaborative and feels of personal “evolutions” as the members of the band have really been at crossroads in life with relatively big changes going on. Still, we create our music and I can feel that it is truly reflective of where our lives are "at" and going, making me confident that it is “real”. Wednesday we got together and rehearsed the four songs that we will start with and I just feel so optimisitc and confident about what we are embarking on. This record should be “special” so, wish us luck -or bad luck (as I’m sure some of you will :) )as we “begin”. I’m sure I’ll write about the recording of the record soon but in the meantime, here’s some shameless promotion of us via YouTube video. It’s a fan video with rather explosive/distorted audio at times but still gets the point across!

Cheers.

~ZFJ