...and everything looks good if you know the right way to put it on.

ZZ Top said it best, "The girls go crazy for the sharp dressed man."


As I've mentioned in previous instances, Northampton Massachusetts is a cool fucking place to live, visit and party in. We have forward-thinkers, active culture, beautiful architecture, diversity and generally lot's of cool-looking people. We have a reputation for having an active music scene here too. Why, even Saturday Night Live recently ran a skit about that. The skit wasn't funny or accurate but still, that is Saturday Night Live talking about "us". We've got crosswalk laws that will make your head spin, complete with people who saunter across these crosswalks while you fucking wait to pull into your desired street. We even have people who will simply jump out into the crosswalk with nary a glance at potential oncoming traffic -because they can. We foster a "locally-based-do-the-right-thing-for-the-Earth-and-your-community" atmosphere --which is very commendable. Yes indeed, we have intelligent, cultured, detailed and professional people out here and naturally, a hipster population that will also make your head spin. They wear the "right" clothes. They listen to the "right" music. They watch the "right" films. They're fierce individuals who stick together and also kind-of do the same things, and oftentimes look the same way. They ride the "right" bikes. But this post is not about the wonderful hipster community of Northampton, at least they are generally cultured people. This is about Northampton's high number of what would appear to be, avid bicycle enthusiasts. Well dressed bicycle enthusiasts, mind you. See, it's not the amount of bikes and bikers that impresses me, it's the attention to detail that goes into what outfit to wear while riding the bicycles that impresses me. I mean, say what you want about Northampton but we, hands down, have the most well dressed bike people in the world....right here in this town.


Early Saturday afternoon as I drove to my destination, I was stopped at a light waiting to make a right turn onto Route 9. It was a rather busy intersection complete with pedestrians trying to figure out the crosswalk schedule --they obviously don't live here-- and oncoming traffic from multiple directions. Soon, the coast looked clear so I hit the accelerator to manipulate the turn but almost in the same motion, I was forced to jump on the brakes. I would have run over a fast-moving/cool-looking guy on a bike who shredded past the front of my car if I had continued to accelerate. The rouge riders bike was leaning toward the "vintage" style of ten-speed rather than a newer model, of course. Still, despite the lack of technology built into his bike, due to the technology not being in existence when his bike was manufactured, he had that fucker flying down the street at an impressively high rate of speed. But, my dear reader, this is not about his bike. Check his outfit out: Cool looking beard, sunglasses, cool looking hair --despite the wind resistance, cigarette in mouth. One more time, cigarette in mouth. That's right....anyway, I also noted the brown, fashionable, boots, grey pants, black shirt and one of those "cool" looking backpacks that actually had black/brown trim, matching the overall outfit. Wow. He probably was just going down the street to get a new pack of cigarettes but he sure looked cool doing it. I was more jealous by how cool he looked with that cigarette in his mouth while shredding around on his bike, than I was startled by almost hitting him with my stupid car. I mean, we do get that a lot out here, the cool/aloof-looking-hipster-bike-rider opting for a vintage-style 10 speed bike and possibly wearing clothing (for men) that will resemble something James Dean would have worn. And/or (for women) something "80's" looking on either a vintage style bike or an absolutely clever/quirky-style bike. ***Disclaimer: These fashion styles will change in approximately 6 months. Or may have already? Who knows? I'm not too hip***.....Anyway, looking cool, slashing around on a vintage bike and now, smoking cigarettes -which really makes a person look cool. All while riding a bike??? That's right....Not a care in the world.

We also feature the more "settled", professional and ultra-serious bikers out here. They're not hipsters but are forward-thinkers, career-oriented, possibly innovators(?), perhaps a bit judgemental(?), outwardly organized and detail-oriented. These people may work in high-tech, cultural and/or think-tank style jobs. They wear the tight spandex-ish biking outfits with company sponsors all over the taut material, even though they're most likely not sponsored riders. Their bikes are in the $5,000-$15,000 range and feature Carbon Fiber, lasers and computerized shifters. These people pride themselves on doing everything right. Everything. No detail, or expensive accessory is left out of their biking pusuits. Their bikes make me realize how little I know about bikes, spandex and having excessive money available to buy that kind of bike. They employ every biking etiquette and road signal while touring 3-6 blocks from their driveway to their "green", poshly-decorated Main Street office -where work life balance is highly enforced, of course.

We even have a trash and recycling service out here called "Pedal People", which I am not dissing at all. Total kudos out to them to be able to do that kind of work, hauling bins of stuff around town to it's appropriate places, on their bikes. My point is, if you're going to come to Northampton thinking you're going to impress us with your hip outfit as you ride through town on your vintage bike, you're not. Or if you think we'll be intimidated by your spandex outfit with feigned sponsors on it and your super-high-end bike, we won't. We're all very used to this by now.


And it's cool....That's it.



~ZFJ

Introducing: "Suck it dry Sunday"

Last night it occurred to me, and I still almost don't believe it. See, I was settled in and unwinding with some Ghost Adventures --not an episode from the new season which are full of "hammed-up" acting and flimsy claims of demonic possessions by the shows three Ghost Hunters-- but an episode from a previous season where they actually still managed to catch ghosts talking and floating around on video. Anyway, then it happened. A retail operation ran a commercial for their wares...It started out routinely enough with mentions of Black Friday deals and what they're selling, and why I should buy it. The commercial ended with a plug for deals that run from Black Friday to "Cyber Monday"

Cyber Monday??? What the fuck is this shit?

Maybe you are aware of this? Maybe you already know what the "brand" for Cyber Monday is supposed to be? I assume it's THE day where you and I can get super-deals online??? Not like we can do that EVERY day or anything. It occurred to me that the retail operations and the media are actually attempting to brand a full "shopping" weekend in this country, rather than just the Friday after Thanksgiving, and are actually naming (branding) certain days so us sheep -err, "Consumers", can rush out and buy when we are told. Don't believe me? Well then how do you explain "Small Business Saturday"? That's right reader! A short time after I learned about Cyber Monday I got hit with a commercial for Small Business Saturday, which featured all sorts of actors posing as consumers, proclaiming that they're going to buy at least one thing from a local "small" business in their area --on Saturday! What. The . Fuck. Is. This. Shit???? I have not yet heard what the branding name for Sunday of this shopping weekend is called but I'm sure it's out there, or in development in some retail operations lavish conference room as we speak. Wow....it's all so lame....my teeth are turning and turning.

Two other things that got me down about the current state of our country and Hollywood entered my consciousness a short time after the aforementioned revelations. One of them is a product called "Forever Lazy". People, these are fleece "Footy" pajamas for adults. One piece, with flaps in the front and back so when we have to take shit or piss while wearing this outfit, we don't even have to remove it. Nice! They are currently available in three awesome colors: "Workday Blues" --a nice play on words reminding us of how much it sucks to have to go to work, especially if you're wearing this shit, "Hanky Pinky Fuscia" --no comment, and of course "Asleep On The Job Gray" --that's really it's name. Like we really need to be more lazy in this country??? C'mon!!! Then, while still in the throes of annoyance from learning about this fucking shit, I get hit with a commercial for the upcoming holiday movie, "New Years Eve". It seems to be about a group of young attractive friends and lovers who, want to party in Times Square. On New Years Eve. That's it? I mean, how bout' a movie where the Earth gets attacked by aliens on New Years Eve?? Or a movie where someone successfully thwarts a terrorist attack on New Years Eve?? It's been done but at least it has some kind of a believable story set on New Years Eve, rather than just being about New Years Eve. But not in our current times, nope, we get holiday movies about peoples aspirations to go party on New Years Eve. Wow Hollywood......wow America.

Anyway, I realize that I have watched too much TV already in this holiday season and today I hope to find a nice sand pile, or maybe a pile of debris in the street in which to bury my head for a quick reprieve from the bombardment. While writing this I have come up with a name for the Sunday portion of America's new shopping weekend:

"Suck it dry Sunday"

Like it?

You heard it here first reader....hopefully it will catch on!


See ya!



~ZFJ

Oil & Water, Black Friday, and other things that turn the teeth

Good evening reader.

The NFL Network has these two analysts. One of them, Brad Nessler, is monotone and calm while the other, Mike Mayock, has either done a bunch of coke, or needs to punch someone hard, with a lot of sustained intensity and aggression. I'm actually worried as of this writing that he could find me somehow. Makes my teeth turn when I have to endure their broadcast along with an otherwise quality NFL game.

Also, while driving to the kin-folks house today with my sidekick, the music sucked particularly hard, in case you were wondering. It, the radio, was mostly of the background-noise nature due to the ongoing conversation between Jack and I. Unfortunately, he fell asleep and I just drove with that shit on from there. My rigged-up ipod is still on the fritz, also unfortunate. It just stays in a funk, on the fritz, sometimes for a few days. One day...a week? It's tough to tell when the device will decide to wake up...Anyway. 99.3 was on by default, as I had been conducting research on it the other day, and then Kid Rock came on. Not one, but two full songs. Kid Rock makes my teeth turn.

Black Friday. The concept. The term. And the really overbearing and annoying branding being done with it, MAKES MY TEETH TURN. It is really up our asses, so bad. Seems more intense this season? I could be wrong, or maybe I simply haven't paid as much attention in the recent past. I'm not even joking. It turns my teeth when I hear it. I've tried to actually find the reasons inside my heart for why it is bothering me so much. Can't I just "play ball" with the artillery bombardment-like conditioning effort that the media will unleash upon us all?? Not like it's anything new...No. I can't. It sucks. Spending quality time with friends and family should be our focus. But that gets interrupted by signals on the TV to, Buy...on fucking Black Friday. Shit, one store has a fucking jingle with a girl singing "blaack Friday...Black Fridaaaaay..." Hey Kohls. (that's right, I know which store it is. See, I hated it so much the other day that I made sure to find out which store was responsible...) Fuck you Kohls. I know it's my own fault that I had the radio on and was also watching a good dose of TV Football, then TV in general. Just hate that shit man...I just hate it.

Chris Deprey turns my teeth. Because he's the one that, at least in my life, first uttered the phrase "Turns my teeth".

Ammo's barking is currently turning my teeth.


Otherwise, I'm having a solid Thanksgiving holiday so far. Hope you are too.



~ZFJ