The Silent Revolution

As my friend Bobby Roast Beef, http://bobbyroastbeef.blogspot.com, once told me: "There is no shame in condiments bro -be strong!"

This past Saturday I stopped in to my favorite local watering hole, Tully O’Reillys in Northampton, to do a bit of drinking and unwinding. Quickly, I realized I was hungry so to remedy that I ordered some gourmet mozzarella sticks, with a side order of Coleslaw. The food comes out and I notice that a MAJOR component is missing: WHERE IS THE RANCH DRESSING??? I simply ask politely “Hey man, can I have a side of Ranch Dressing?” Then, the shit hit the fan. Rich, the bartender there, gets all loud with “Oh, here we go with the Ranch dressing!!…of course!!...etc”. (Rich was previously mentioned in the “UPDATED: CBR-STR Rankings blog”) This promoted Andy (resident Chef) to shake his head in disapproving disappointment while begrudgingly preparing the side of RANCH DRESSING for me. As this unfolds, two patrons hastily make their way out of the bar looking sideways at me with disgust and utter disbelief. I was made to feel like a sub-human and a dullard. What a scene for a guy who’s just trying to unwind and enjoy something that tastes really good!! The worst part? This isn’t the first time that “my kind” (i.e. those who love Ranch Dressing) have gotten jeered at, questioned, persecuted or otherwise attacked for just having Ranch Dressing with: Shepards Pie, Pizza, Mozzarella Sticks, Meatloaf, Turkey Stir Fry, Chicken Tenders or Filet Mignon. I've even been accused of owning a "Ranch Plant" in the past (by Colleen K -also mentioned in the UPDATED: CBR-STR Rankings blog)! This has been going on for many years…and I know I am not alone in my plight. But still, this begs the question of why? WHY??? Why do people go crazy when someone asks for a side of ranch dressing??? Why are we looked at differently than other humans?? Why are we laughed at and made to feel alienated and/or inferior?? Why do bartenders and cooks question us as to why we “need” that side of RANCH dressing then compare us (not in a favorable light mind you) to others who “annoy” the bartenders and cooks when they request RANCH dressing as a dipping sauce?? Why are we cast aside with pointed fingers when we’re eating, watching football and generally just trying to live??? Readers, unfortunately, I don’t have the answers…other than this; there are MANY of “us”.

The silent revolution begins now.

I encourage my people to stop cowering, second-guessing and feeling like we’re doing something “wrong” when ordering our dipping sauce choice. I encourage us all to be proud, stand and be counted, and to continue to order that buttery, on-the-sour-side-of-the-taste-spectrum, creamy and versatile dipping sauce known as RANCH DRESSING!!! Maybe, if we stand together and educate the citizens that seem to not understand our passion for RANCH, we can achieve the equal right to just be allowed to enjoy the taste of what we’re eating without the needless brow beating? Maybe if we stand fast to our commitment to RANCH as a dipping sauce and versatile cooking ingredient we will not have to endure countless hours of chop-busting and persecution for using it to dip everything in -or pour on top of Shepards Pie? If we stand tall, understand our self-righteousness and stand by our commitment we may just enlighten the rest of the world to how good things can be when eating gourmet bar food.

So citizen, next time you order your delicious bar food, stand tall with confidence, stick your chest out, and proclaim: “I WOULD LIKE A SIDE ORDER OF RANCH DRESSING PLEASE!!”


~ZFJ