Unprepared for The Rapture?

Well well well intelligent and informed readers. It's been nice writing for you and also personally knowing many of you. You see, according to Harold Camping, an 89-year-old retired civil engineer from Oakland, CA, who founded an independent Christian ministry called Family Radio Worldwide, Jesus will return to the Earth THIS Saturday to take some people to Heaven.

Shit.

Looks like the jig is up folks! And here I am making plans for the weekend and researching road bike brands with hopes of riding at least 1000 miles this summer??? Damn. What's the point of that now?? Anyway. It is "neat" that people like Harold exist in this world. You know, people who devote their life to figuring our when the world will end so they can say, "I told you so!". Even sillier is that MANY people around the planet seem to be buying into this claim. Wow! It's amazing how many humans think they somehow are privy to this sort of information and rather than live fulfilling, productive lives they focus their soul on this type of shit. C'mon now! But wait, Harold has proof:

"Camping's prophecy comes from numerological calculations based on his reading of the Bible, and he says global events like the 1948 founding of Israel confirm his math."

Good enough for me! I am disappointed though. I always planned to party like hell when The Rapture was coming around and considering Harold's in-depth research is probably true, I wish I could go out tonight and really rip it up but alas, I've got other committments. I am unprepared for The Rapture...Dammit!

Here's a link to a story about Harold and The Rapture:

http://www.masslive.com/news/index.ssf/2011/05/end_of_the_world_on_may_21_how.html#incart_hbx

Amazing how people can convince themselves of anything.

There is a silver lining to The Rapture for most of us. You see, only the "good" people will be brought to Heaven to enjoy eternal salvation while Earth will exist in a period of turmoil until the planet is eventually destroyed. Considering that most priests, preachers and many other people will no longer be on the Earth past Saturday, we will have opportunities galore! Let's start a business like Bart Centre did. Bart Centre is an Atheist from New Hampshire who started Eternal Earth-Bound Pets in 2009 for pets who won't be joining the "chosen" few in Heaven. All you have to do is pay the premium for a 10 year coverage plan and your pet will be cared for. Awesome! Recently his subscriptions have gone up.

My plan is much more grandoise than that and I know many of you brilliant readers will be excited to hear this idea. I intend to start a massive cult that I will feign as a new religion (don't tell anyone that it's a cult or, YOU WILL BE DESTROYED). So, as you know there isn't a lot of money in cults these days but there is a ton of money to be made in organized religion and I'm planning on getting my cut after Saturday passes!! I will be referred to as "Seppulan the Great" going forward for the sake of mystique and power. I'm looking for dedicated, passionate and convincing people who want to be in the "inner circle of power and clarity" (working title) with me...we can brainstorm for majestic sounding titles and other necessities over the weekend as we are kind of strapped for time to get this "religion" a foothold around the world. Also, I'll need some very creative and organized people to help me come up with what we're actually worshopping, our new rules and other necessary shit. People with previous experience running cults are encouraged to contact me through this blog. I'm looking for unique and original ideas please, no fucking spaceships, UFO's or bullshit like that please. I want this to be very "authentic" so we can all cash in and revel in it....at least for a little while.

~Seppulan the Great (ZFJ)